The definition of 'awareness' is: having realization or consciousness.
The month of October focuses on several issues directly affecting woman. It is almost impossible to miss the constant influx of information regarding Breast Cancer Awareness and the importance of proper and timely screening. The fact that more younger women are being diagnosed is a reminder of the importance of early detection.
The month of October is also Lupus Awareness Month. Although most people have heard of Lupus, this condition often stays 'under the radar' of the average person. The fact that Lupus is a chronic condition that primarily affects women makes the 'quietness' surrounding the condition surprising. The elusiveness of Lupus makes it difficult to diagnose and challenging to treat. Chances are, someone will cross your path who is living with this condition.
Awareness and basic knowledge regarding Lupus just might help you educate someone else.
I chose to focus mainly on Domestic Abuse Awareness during the month of October because it is often a topic that seems easier to ignore. The denial that many people have in regards to this issue enables the issue and the abusers to remain hidden. The safer the hiding place is for the abuser, the more dangerous life ismay be the victim.
A woman's instincts are usually strong and in an active mode. Our ability to embrace and freely experience the strength and scope of our emotions also places us at risk to ignore our natural instincts.
When a woman believes she is in love, I personally believe she is at her most vulnerable point.
To paraphrase the insight of a very wise man. Women should take the time to ask themselves these two basic questions:
"Is their conflict between the heart and mind?"
Is there even the slightest bit of doubt regarding the man, or the situation?"
There is nothing 'simple' regarding the serious issue of Domestic Violence, but awareness, education, support, and open dialogue are components of a progressive solution to the problem.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Teens And Domestic Violence / A Woman's Perspective
Most people are capable of simply ignoring truths that are uncomfortable and unpleasant. Denial is often easier than admitting just how much darkness is in the world we live in.
I am guilty of trying not to focus on the atrocities happening to women and children in foreign countries.
How can we stay in denial about events that are close to home,,when our communities make up our 'home'.
There is a serious issue regarding teens and domestic abuse. For those who find this impossible to fathom, take a couple of minutes and google the topic in your area. The results will probably surprise you.
We live in a world where 'tweeners' speak quite openly about 'dating' someone. Granted, their definition is different from the adult definition, but they still think of themselves as having a 'boyfriend and a relationship' This boyfriend is someone the girl, who could be as young as 12, likes (a lot), listens to, and wants to keep happy. A twelve year old female with raging hormones and emotions can become quite attached to a twelve year old male who is confident enough to show her the right amount of attention. All she knows is that the attention feels good (emotionally) and the other girls are impressed. The young man is learning how good he feels (physically) and,,his friends are impressed also. The issue of abuse usually arises when the young man is from a background where aggressive, possessive, and/or dominating behavior is a part of his life. He will likely practice what he has learned from the men in his world.
The occurrences of teenage domestic abuse reaches a peak between the ages of 16 and 20 years of age.
If the young woman finds herself in a 'relationship' with a boy who displays these types of behavior, and it is also a part of her life, it is possible that she will keep quiet because she thinks this is normal behavior.
The signs are similar to abusive behavior in an adult relationship. The boy's insistence on knowing where the girl is at all times, by constantly calling. The anger displayed when she does not answer the phone. Bullying the girl into doing something she does not want to do, such as 'sexting', or defying her parents. And yes, physical abuse is quite often present.
* Monitor phone and computer use.
**Know your children's friends.
**Meet the parents of their friends whenever possible.
If you have family members,,,children, grandchildren, younger sisters, or friends, it is worth your time to find out what the red flags of teen abuse are.
* Always keep the line of communication open and active with your children; both girls and boys.
* Introduce different scenarios to your children as a way to discuss topics that might be uncomfortable for both of you.
* There should NEVER be a topic too embarrassing or uncomfortable for you to talk to your child about.
*Educate yourself before you attempt to address any issue.
* Approach your child with the confidence of a parent. They will immediately pick up on any nervousness or fear.
* Remember that you are not a police interrogator and your child is not the suspect of a crime.
* No matter how hard it might be, take the time to listen to your child; that means stay silent.
As much as we would like to, parents are unable to protect our children from every possible danger.
The best parents can do is stay aware, involved, and observant.
And above all else,,,keep your children covered in prayer.
I am guilty of trying not to focus on the atrocities happening to women and children in foreign countries.
How can we stay in denial about events that are close to home,,when our communities make up our 'home'.
There is a serious issue regarding teens and domestic abuse. For those who find this impossible to fathom, take a couple of minutes and google the topic in your area. The results will probably surprise you.
We live in a world where 'tweeners' speak quite openly about 'dating' someone. Granted, their definition is different from the adult definition, but they still think of themselves as having a 'boyfriend and a relationship' This boyfriend is someone the girl, who could be as young as 12, likes (a lot), listens to, and wants to keep happy. A twelve year old female with raging hormones and emotions can become quite attached to a twelve year old male who is confident enough to show her the right amount of attention. All she knows is that the attention feels good (emotionally) and the other girls are impressed. The young man is learning how good he feels (physically) and,,his friends are impressed also. The issue of abuse usually arises when the young man is from a background where aggressive, possessive, and/or dominating behavior is a part of his life. He will likely practice what he has learned from the men in his world.
The occurrences of teenage domestic abuse reaches a peak between the ages of 16 and 20 years of age.
If the young woman finds herself in a 'relationship' with a boy who displays these types of behavior, and it is also a part of her life, it is possible that she will keep quiet because she thinks this is normal behavior.
The signs are similar to abusive behavior in an adult relationship. The boy's insistence on knowing where the girl is at all times, by constantly calling. The anger displayed when she does not answer the phone. Bullying the girl into doing something she does not want to do, such as 'sexting', or defying her parents. And yes, physical abuse is quite often present.
* Monitor phone and computer use.
**Know your children's friends.
**Meet the parents of their friends whenever possible.
If you have family members,,,children, grandchildren, younger sisters, or friends, it is worth your time to find out what the red flags of teen abuse are.
* Always keep the line of communication open and active with your children; both girls and boys.
* Introduce different scenarios to your children as a way to discuss topics that might be uncomfortable for both of you.
* There should NEVER be a topic too embarrassing or uncomfortable for you to talk to your child about.
*Educate yourself before you attempt to address any issue.
* Approach your child with the confidence of a parent. They will immediately pick up on any nervousness or fear.
* Remember that you are not a police interrogator and your child is not the suspect of a crime.
* No matter how hard it might be, take the time to listen to your child; that means stay silent.
As much as we would like to, parents are unable to protect our children from every possible danger.
The best parents can do is stay aware, involved, and observant.
And above all else,,,keep your children covered in prayer.
How Words Impact The Lives of Children / A Mother's Perspective
The most important and fulfilling accomplishment of my life has been the opportunity to raise my children. At times, it was also the most frustrating. The frustration was the result of the fear that I would make mistakes that would negatively impact their lives forever. The simple truth is that being human guarantees that all parents will make mistakes. Even if babies were born with a detailed instruction manual attached to the umbilical cord, we would no doubt still make mistakes. Most of us, even knowing that we are seriously imperfect, would attempt to put our own spin on the process.
I was a sensitive child who took the words spoken to me literally. Honestly, the same is often true today. My family and friends don't waste their time telling me a joke.
As a child I promised my unborn children that I would never raise my voice or be guilty of 'fussing'. I promised to always speak gently and listen to whatever they had to say. Well, of course, I lied. Or, at the very least, I broke my promises.
The active raising of a child (children) is probably one of the most stress filled periods in our lives. A true blessing, but the overwhelming responsibility of the total care of your child is a 24/7 job. Their well being, combined with the challenges of ,,,living,,,can make a mother (parent?) want to grab their keys and purse and simply drive away. Thankfully, the majority of us only think about doing it.
Most parents have the ability to stay in control when faced with the real challenges of parenting. Generally, a major growth spurt in patience saves our sanity. Hopefully, any physical discipline will be within healthy, safe,,and sane guidelines.
The often overlooked example of loss of control is the onslaught of words that can break a child's spirit. A child is affected by everything they are exposed to during their childhood; both the positive and adverse experiences. How many of you can remember more of the mean words spoken to you( by anyone) than the nice words?
Every parent understands how difficult it can be to sometimes 'get' the attention of a child. After telling them five times in the last hour to clean their room, yelling and telling them how' lazy and sorry' they are might seem the right thing to say. The real problem comes if they hear these words or worse everyday. The best way to handle something that will become part of their household responsibilities, is to teach the importance of cleaning their room when they are young enough to be excited about doing it. If that didn't work, at least they understand they have no choice in the matter.
If a child hears something, anything,, often enough, they will believe it to be true. Repetition is a basic teaching tool.
A child is supposed to get their confidence and self-esteem from the people who loves and accepts them as they are. This is just as important in your child's life as their mandated education. If they are ridiculed by their parents, how will they understand even their basic worth??
There are parents who refer to their children as anything from dumb, simple, stupid, ignorant, to nasty, crazy and ugly. From the viewpoint of a child, why would they not believe their parents?
There are also the parents who add 'flavor' to their harsh words by adding a few choice expletives to the mix.
Have you ever seen a parent speak to a child in such a way that causes the child to 'shrink' before your eyes; spirit broken? Slumped shoulders, eyes damp and cast down? Or worse, a blank stare?
Several years ago while interviewing a client, a little boy around three years old, asked his mother why there were no pictures of him in his mother's wallet; only pictures of his baby sister. His mother told him she did not have pictures of him because he was ' bad and ugly' which was why she was taking him to his grandparents house as soon as they left the office..The child's face crumbled. He immediately stood behind her chair and started kicking the legs. If nothing changes in his life, imagine how destructive his behavior could become? I referred her to an agency that would provide parenting skills. If that happened today, it would be viewed as possible abuse and reported to a supervisor who would decide if CPS should be informed,,by law. Even a stranger in a waiting room can report possible abuse if they have enough information about the parent.
Even good parents sometimes say things to their children they wish they could take back. But there is no changing the fact that,,,once the words are spoken, they are forever said.
Children are priceless blessings from God.
Every child deserves to go to bed knowing they are loved.
Their heads should never be filled with words that hurt their hearts.
I was a sensitive child who took the words spoken to me literally. Honestly, the same is often true today. My family and friends don't waste their time telling me a joke.
As a child I promised my unborn children that I would never raise my voice or be guilty of 'fussing'. I promised to always speak gently and listen to whatever they had to say. Well, of course, I lied. Or, at the very least, I broke my promises.
The active raising of a child (children) is probably one of the most stress filled periods in our lives. A true blessing, but the overwhelming responsibility of the total care of your child is a 24/7 job. Their well being, combined with the challenges of ,,,living,,,can make a mother (parent?) want to grab their keys and purse and simply drive away. Thankfully, the majority of us only think about doing it.
Most parents have the ability to stay in control when faced with the real challenges of parenting. Generally, a major growth spurt in patience saves our sanity. Hopefully, any physical discipline will be within healthy, safe,,and sane guidelines.
The often overlooked example of loss of control is the onslaught of words that can break a child's spirit. A child is affected by everything they are exposed to during their childhood; both the positive and adverse experiences. How many of you can remember more of the mean words spoken to you( by anyone) than the nice words?
Every parent understands how difficult it can be to sometimes 'get' the attention of a child. After telling them five times in the last hour to clean their room, yelling and telling them how' lazy and sorry' they are might seem the right thing to say. The real problem comes if they hear these words or worse everyday. The best way to handle something that will become part of their household responsibilities, is to teach the importance of cleaning their room when they are young enough to be excited about doing it. If that didn't work, at least they understand they have no choice in the matter.
If a child hears something, anything,, often enough, they will believe it to be true. Repetition is a basic teaching tool.
A child is supposed to get their confidence and self-esteem from the people who loves and accepts them as they are. This is just as important in your child's life as their mandated education. If they are ridiculed by their parents, how will they understand even their basic worth??
There are parents who refer to their children as anything from dumb, simple, stupid, ignorant, to nasty, crazy and ugly. From the viewpoint of a child, why would they not believe their parents?
There are also the parents who add 'flavor' to their harsh words by adding a few choice expletives to the mix.
Have you ever seen a parent speak to a child in such a way that causes the child to 'shrink' before your eyes; spirit broken? Slumped shoulders, eyes damp and cast down? Or worse, a blank stare?
Several years ago while interviewing a client, a little boy around three years old, asked his mother why there were no pictures of him in his mother's wallet; only pictures of his baby sister. His mother told him she did not have pictures of him because he was ' bad and ugly' which was why she was taking him to his grandparents house as soon as they left the office..The child's face crumbled. He immediately stood behind her chair and started kicking the legs. If nothing changes in his life, imagine how destructive his behavior could become? I referred her to an agency that would provide parenting skills. If that happened today, it would be viewed as possible abuse and reported to a supervisor who would decide if CPS should be informed,,by law. Even a stranger in a waiting room can report possible abuse if they have enough information about the parent.
Even good parents sometimes say things to their children they wish they could take back. But there is no changing the fact that,,,once the words are spoken, they are forever said.
Children are priceless blessings from God.
Every child deserves to go to bed knowing they are loved.
Their heads should never be filled with words that hurt their hearts.
Monday, October 22, 2012
When Society Defines A Child / A Woman's Perspective
Do you know what the term 'outside child' means? For me, that phrase along with 'illegitimate child' and 'bastard' all share the same meaning. They are all intended to negatively set children apart from mainstream society.
I saw my birth certificate for the first time when I entered first grade. Since my parents were not married, the word 'illegitimate' was typed boldly in the designated space. I was already confused by the blank space where my father's name was indicated. Why was his name not where it was supposed to be?
A few days later, the first day of school arrived. To say I began the day terrified would be a huge understatement. It would soon become much worse.
My teacher's name was Mrs. Simpson. To me she was a scary, stern faced woman who would likely make me cry. As I watched her stop before each desk with paper and pen, I prayed she would pass me by. Needless to say, my prayers were not answered.
.
Thankfully she asked me questions that I could answer. Simple questions, such as my name and birthday. I quickly asked her which name did she want. She looked confused and asked if I was being 'smart'. Before I could gather the courage to answer her question, she asked me the name of my parents, I breathed a sigh of relief as I asked her which parents name did she want. She sharply asked just how many parents did I have. I answered that I had two mothers and two fathers. The look on her face made me believe she was about to hit me. Apparently, the look of terror on my face caused her to look closer. I will assume that she could see that the timid child sitting before her, was giving her a serious answer. I had to repeat the names several times right there in the classroom while all the children listened quietly. I said nothing when she dramatically stated that my biological mother had been one of her students, and she did not know anything about my birth!!.
Well,,,, just how was a six year old expected to respond to her loud declaration??
She said that she needed to speak to the principal. To my horror, she took me with her, where I had to repeat the names of my parents. I remember feeling as if I had done something terribly wrong. Even after all these years, I also remember the sense of shame that I felt as they gave me looks of pity? There were several "poor child" references made by Mrs. Simpson, the even scarier Mr. Butler, and his secretary with the enormous hips.
When Mama picked me up from school, she and I were ushered into the principals office where in order to save me later embarrassment, it was decided that I would use the last name of Mama and Daddy,,which was of course,,illegal. This act of compassion came back to haunt me when I decided to retire. I had to once again explain why I had so many names. I had to produce a physical paper trail to prove who I was.
When I was old enough to fully understand the meaning of the word 'illegitimate' I of course was taken back to that day. When I was twelve, one of my paternal uncle's new wife referred to me as the 'outside child'. Only the loving response of my father's sister could take away the sting of the words.
Exactly who has the right to define the worth of a child?
Does the marriage of a child's parents make that child more worthy of,,anything .. than the child of a single parent(s)?
Does the label of 'illegitimacy' mean the child is not a legitimate human being?
Growing up in the 50's with any type of label made life more challenging. This is especially true when an additional negative label is given to a Black female.
Even today, there are many people who feel their children who happened to be born within the confines of marriage ( no matter how much a farce the marriage might be) are somehow better than the children who are born to unwed parents.
I attribute this mindset to ignorance and self- righteousness.
**
If a man and woman are sexually active outside of the marriage bed, it is not their moral option to judge the sexual choices of the unmarried couple. The only difference is that one woman got pregnant and had a child, while the other woman was either responsible enough of lucky enough not to get pregnant.
Society does not have the right to force a child to pay any price resulting from the choice of their parents....
The origin of a child should never determine their worth as a person...
Only God can determine the worth of His children.
I saw my birth certificate for the first time when I entered first grade. Since my parents were not married, the word 'illegitimate' was typed boldly in the designated space. I was already confused by the blank space where my father's name was indicated. Why was his name not where it was supposed to be?
A few days later, the first day of school arrived. To say I began the day terrified would be a huge understatement. It would soon become much worse.
My teacher's name was Mrs. Simpson. To me she was a scary, stern faced woman who would likely make me cry. As I watched her stop before each desk with paper and pen, I prayed she would pass me by. Needless to say, my prayers were not answered.
.
Thankfully she asked me questions that I could answer. Simple questions, such as my name and birthday. I quickly asked her which name did she want. She looked confused and asked if I was being 'smart'. Before I could gather the courage to answer her question, she asked me the name of my parents, I breathed a sigh of relief as I asked her which parents name did she want. She sharply asked just how many parents did I have. I answered that I had two mothers and two fathers. The look on her face made me believe she was about to hit me. Apparently, the look of terror on my face caused her to look closer. I will assume that she could see that the timid child sitting before her, was giving her a serious answer. I had to repeat the names several times right there in the classroom while all the children listened quietly. I said nothing when she dramatically stated that my biological mother had been one of her students, and she did not know anything about my birth!!.
Well,,,, just how was a six year old expected to respond to her loud declaration??
She said that she needed to speak to the principal. To my horror, she took me with her, where I had to repeat the names of my parents. I remember feeling as if I had done something terribly wrong. Even after all these years, I also remember the sense of shame that I felt as they gave me looks of pity? There were several "poor child" references made by Mrs. Simpson, the even scarier Mr. Butler, and his secretary with the enormous hips.
When Mama picked me up from school, she and I were ushered into the principals office where in order to save me later embarrassment, it was decided that I would use the last name of Mama and Daddy,,which was of course,,illegal. This act of compassion came back to haunt me when I decided to retire. I had to once again explain why I had so many names. I had to produce a physical paper trail to prove who I was.
When I was old enough to fully understand the meaning of the word 'illegitimate' I of course was taken back to that day. When I was twelve, one of my paternal uncle's new wife referred to me as the 'outside child'. Only the loving response of my father's sister could take away the sting of the words.
Exactly who has the right to define the worth of a child?
Does the marriage of a child's parents make that child more worthy of,,anything .. than the child of a single parent(s)?
Does the label of 'illegitimacy' mean the child is not a legitimate human being?
Growing up in the 50's with any type of label made life more challenging. This is especially true when an additional negative label is given to a Black female.
Even today, there are many people who feel their children who happened to be born within the confines of marriage ( no matter how much a farce the marriage might be) are somehow better than the children who are born to unwed parents.
I attribute this mindset to ignorance and self- righteousness.
**
If a man and woman are sexually active outside of the marriage bed, it is not their moral option to judge the sexual choices of the unmarried couple. The only difference is that one woman got pregnant and had a child, while the other woman was either responsible enough of lucky enough not to get pregnant.
Society does not have the right to force a child to pay any price resulting from the choice of their parents....
The origin of a child should never determine their worth as a person...
Only God can determine the worth of His children.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Have You Ever Danced With Your Father?/ A Woman's Perspective
My father and I shared the same name. Our resemblance to each other was uncanny. I learned more about him during his eulogy than I knew during his lifetime. As I sat in the front pew of the tiny chapel on the Fort Sill Army Base, my tears freely flowed because now there would never be a chance to experience the many joys of being his daughter that my heart had always yearned for.
He entered the Army the same year I was born. Perfect timing huh? And yes, I did ask him the obvious question. He was actually in Korea at the time of my birth. He decided to make the military his career. He spent most of his service time in Germany.
When he returned to the states and came home to visit his parents, he would visit me also. I never knew when he would show up. It was not uncommon for him to come to my school and I would be called to the office where he would be waiting. I was an extremely shy child, so he never knew how excited I was to see him. My excitement would last for weeks. Unfortunately, years separated his visits. We never said much, but our personalities were so similar, they were 'comfortable' silences between us. He was always neat and well dressed. He always had on a watch and the first gift he ever gave me was a watch sent from Germany. I was eight years old, and yes,,I love watches. He liked Volkswagen's and Buick's. The first car I owned (with my then husband) was a 1971 red Super Beetle. My father owned a 1961 grey Bug he bought while in Germany.
Somewhere between the age of 10 and 11 my relationship with my father changed. This particular night, I had just told Mama that I wanted a pineapple malt from Dairy Queen. Five minutes later, there was a knock at the door. It was my father. I was of course glad to see him, but when he asked if I wanted to go and get something to eat, I vehemently said,,,No! Mama, ( my aunt who raised me) who was surprisingly fond of my father, quickly told him that I had just said that I wanted a malt. He surprised all of us by almost grabbing me by both my arms and declaring that,," You did not have to afraid of me because I am your Daddy!" All of my shyness and the fear that I did not know I had, simply went away,,never to return. We went to Dairy Queen and I enjoyed the best pineapple malt I ever had.
The year I turned 12, one of my father's friends came to my house to tell me that my father had gotten married. His friend said the he was afraid to tell me. I have never understood why. Perhaps he knew how sad I would be. Because, I was extremely sad. I felt as if I had just found him and now he would have a real family possibly with children,,,and once again I would be simply an option in his life; not a priority.
You see, even as a child, I knew that my parents did not have the emotional responsibility of my care. I was not a priority for either of them. By age six, I had accepted this fact, and was able to understand that I was right where I was supposed to be.
Knowing this, did not change the fact that I loved my father. I was fascinated by the mystique that seemed to surround him.
Soon after his marriage, he and his wife had a daughter.
Of course I was praying for a boy..
He remained a distant part of my life. My children were his only grandchildren, but the time they spent together was not enough to form a real relationship. They did seem to enjoy the time they had.
The year (several months) before he died, I woke up one morning needing to talk to him. I called and we talked long enough to sorta catch up. During the conversation he told me he had a doctor's appointment the following day. I fussed at him about his smoking, and he told me had stopped. He was taken directly from the doctor's appointment to the hospital. He had become critically ill.
By the time I reached Oklahoma, he was in a semi-conscious state. For the first time, I looked at this man who was my father. I could finally see how much we looked alike. As I gently rubbed his head, I could feel his hair texture that was the same as mine. I always wondered why my hands were so different. As I held his hand, I found the answer. I was able to talk to him and tell him just who he had always been to me. I can only pray that he heard me.
A month or so later, on the return trip home from his funeral, I heard Luther's song 'Dance With My Father' for the first time.
Once again my tears flowed freely as I was faced with one more experience I would never have..
I would never have the opportunity to dance with my father.
What a joy that would have been.
He entered the Army the same year I was born. Perfect timing huh? And yes, I did ask him the obvious question. He was actually in Korea at the time of my birth. He decided to make the military his career. He spent most of his service time in Germany.
When he returned to the states and came home to visit his parents, he would visit me also. I never knew when he would show up. It was not uncommon for him to come to my school and I would be called to the office where he would be waiting. I was an extremely shy child, so he never knew how excited I was to see him. My excitement would last for weeks. Unfortunately, years separated his visits. We never said much, but our personalities were so similar, they were 'comfortable' silences between us. He was always neat and well dressed. He always had on a watch and the first gift he ever gave me was a watch sent from Germany. I was eight years old, and yes,,I love watches. He liked Volkswagen's and Buick's. The first car I owned (with my then husband) was a 1971 red Super Beetle. My father owned a 1961 grey Bug he bought while in Germany.
Somewhere between the age of 10 and 11 my relationship with my father changed. This particular night, I had just told Mama that I wanted a pineapple malt from Dairy Queen. Five minutes later, there was a knock at the door. It was my father. I was of course glad to see him, but when he asked if I wanted to go and get something to eat, I vehemently said,,,No! Mama, ( my aunt who raised me) who was surprisingly fond of my father, quickly told him that I had just said that I wanted a malt. He surprised all of us by almost grabbing me by both my arms and declaring that,," You did not have to afraid of me because I am your Daddy!" All of my shyness and the fear that I did not know I had, simply went away,,never to return. We went to Dairy Queen and I enjoyed the best pineapple malt I ever had.
The year I turned 12, one of my father's friends came to my house to tell me that my father had gotten married. His friend said the he was afraid to tell me. I have never understood why. Perhaps he knew how sad I would be. Because, I was extremely sad. I felt as if I had just found him and now he would have a real family possibly with children,,,and once again I would be simply an option in his life; not a priority.
You see, even as a child, I knew that my parents did not have the emotional responsibility of my care. I was not a priority for either of them. By age six, I had accepted this fact, and was able to understand that I was right where I was supposed to be.
Knowing this, did not change the fact that I loved my father. I was fascinated by the mystique that seemed to surround him.
Soon after his marriage, he and his wife had a daughter.
Of course I was praying for a boy..
He remained a distant part of my life. My children were his only grandchildren, but the time they spent together was not enough to form a real relationship. They did seem to enjoy the time they had.
The year (several months) before he died, I woke up one morning needing to talk to him. I called and we talked long enough to sorta catch up. During the conversation he told me he had a doctor's appointment the following day. I fussed at him about his smoking, and he told me had stopped. He was taken directly from the doctor's appointment to the hospital. He had become critically ill.
By the time I reached Oklahoma, he was in a semi-conscious state. For the first time, I looked at this man who was my father. I could finally see how much we looked alike. As I gently rubbed his head, I could feel his hair texture that was the same as mine. I always wondered why my hands were so different. As I held his hand, I found the answer. I was able to talk to him and tell him just who he had always been to me. I can only pray that he heard me.
A month or so later, on the return trip home from his funeral, I heard Luther's song 'Dance With My Father' for the first time.
Once again my tears flowed freely as I was faced with one more experience I would never have..
I would never have the opportunity to dance with my father.
What a joy that would have been.
Do 'Mean Girls' Grow Up To Become 'Mean Women'?/ A Woman's Perspective
Imagine how surprised middle school girls or 'tweeners' as they are now called, would be if they realized there are many grown women who act just like them. Of course, chances are, they personally know one or two. Their behavior, whether displayed by a child trapped in the chaos of puberty or an adult who has chosen to simply fine tune her bad attitude forever, is difficult to miss.
I love everything associated with being a woman. I am also often taken aback by how mean spirited women can be toward other women. Sure, there are often genuine reasons why women are bitter and destructive toward each other. Low self-esteem first comes to mind. Unresolved pain and disappointment could also be factors. While these may be valid reasons, there is never a good enough excuse to cause the grief of another person, simply because you can. I view this behavior as feeding on the assumed weaknesses of another human being. Even worse, this person is usually someone who considers the aggressive woman her friend.
The similarities between the mindset of a 'mean girl' and that of a 'mean woman' would be almost amusing if their behavior did not create such havoc in the lives of those in their chosen circle of 'friends'.
Mean girls usually travel in groups or packs. There is always a leader who usually chooses a group of females who she feels will look up to her. There will likely be a pecking order that is of course chosen by the leader. The members of the group will be expected to be unquestionably loyal to their leader.
So, who is the 'mean girl'?
She will have something that she feels will set her apart from the group. For girls, it could her popularity, her perceived beauty, her clothes, the professions of her parents, and maybe her grades.
This young lady will often surround herself with other young ladies who she feels could never be viewed as beautiful as she is. She will program everything from their choice of clothing and hairstyle to the boys they are attracted to. If anyone happens to make a decision that will outshine her, she will know just what to say to make the person doubt her choice. Being a 'mean girl' guarantees that whatever she says will not be tinged with compassion. She will remain the center of attention,,,by any means necessary.
Her world revolves around,,,her.
Female athletes tend to have their own groups and seldom seem to fall into the 'mean girl' syndrome.
Friendship between women can be as important as their relationships with family members. Many women are closer to their friends than they are to family. This could possibly be one reason why a woman will allow a 'friend' to stay in their life, even when the person's behavior is toxic.
Who is the 'mean woman'?
She will seldom have enough true friends to actually form a group. The more friends she has, the more likely it is that one of these 'grown' women would put her in her place. She will likely have a 'following' of women she has groomed to look up to her.
She will have one 'friend' who cares enough about her to allow her to cross decency boundaries from time to time. This true friend knows her well enough to have compassion for her unspoken issues. It might take years, but since most people have a limit on how much abuse they will take, the depth of the friendship will likely change. The real friend will either end the relationship or pull far, far, away. As well she should.
The 'mean woman' mindset can be both jealous and envious.They always seem to want more of anything that surpasses someone else. It can be career, clothes, furniture, size and location of house, type of car she drives, to the choice of a husband. Like her young counterpart, if her friend(s) make a choice that will result in outshining her, she will also quickly tear it down; usually with harsh criticism or even a childish, but hurtful tantrum.. Yes, grown women really do have tantrums.
Her main focus in life is,,,herself.
She makes herself miserable, and does a pretty good job of disrupting the peace of those who love her. She is a seasoned manipulator who uses words to control those who give her the slightest opportunity.
She has a selective verbal filter. She is usually successful in her life, but often fails to acknowledge her many blessings. She is usually too busy keeping up with the blessings of others.
She will expect her friends to accommodate her in every way. Since she keeps a detailed record of what she does for everyone, she will be quick to remind her friend why she expects her to be at her beck and call.
So, are 'mean girls and 'mean women' bad people?
No, but they make choices that are often totally selfish. They fail to think about how their words and actions will affect those in their world. Thankfully, the few women I know who haven't grown up, seem to have good hearts. However, they treat strangers much better than they treat the women who have always been their support system. This is what saddens me the most.
We are women.
We carry babies inside of us for almost an entire year.
We build a nurturing foundation strong enough to support a family during both good and bad times.
We have the ability to be logical and stay connected to our emotions through those same times,,,simultaneously.
For most young girls, being a 'mean girl' is simply a short phase in their life when their hormones were running amok . Usually before adulthood they have learned a better way of coping with the challenges and rewards of healthy relationships.
They have learned that the world simply does not revolve around them. Period.
Most women who become 'mean women' probably have issues and baggage that has yet to be acknowledged and addressed.
If only they would realize how much more meaningful their lives would be without the bitterness that most are not even aware they have.
What does her friends do?
Love them; even if that has to be from a distance.
Pray for them..pray for peace where there is none.
We need to always be present for each other.
God has given us the tools to make this become our reality.
This is what we do..
After all is said and done..
We are women.
I love everything associated with being a woman. I am also often taken aback by how mean spirited women can be toward other women. Sure, there are often genuine reasons why women are bitter and destructive toward each other. Low self-esteem first comes to mind. Unresolved pain and disappointment could also be factors. While these may be valid reasons, there is never a good enough excuse to cause the grief of another person, simply because you can. I view this behavior as feeding on the assumed weaknesses of another human being. Even worse, this person is usually someone who considers the aggressive woman her friend.
The similarities between the mindset of a 'mean girl' and that of a 'mean woman' would be almost amusing if their behavior did not create such havoc in the lives of those in their chosen circle of 'friends'.
Mean girls usually travel in groups or packs. There is always a leader who usually chooses a group of females who she feels will look up to her. There will likely be a pecking order that is of course chosen by the leader. The members of the group will be expected to be unquestionably loyal to their leader.
So, who is the 'mean girl'?
She will have something that she feels will set her apart from the group. For girls, it could her popularity, her perceived beauty, her clothes, the professions of her parents, and maybe her grades.
This young lady will often surround herself with other young ladies who she feels could never be viewed as beautiful as she is. She will program everything from their choice of clothing and hairstyle to the boys they are attracted to. If anyone happens to make a decision that will outshine her, she will know just what to say to make the person doubt her choice. Being a 'mean girl' guarantees that whatever she says will not be tinged with compassion. She will remain the center of attention,,,by any means necessary.
Her world revolves around,,,her.
Female athletes tend to have their own groups and seldom seem to fall into the 'mean girl' syndrome.
Friendship between women can be as important as their relationships with family members. Many women are closer to their friends than they are to family. This could possibly be one reason why a woman will allow a 'friend' to stay in their life, even when the person's behavior is toxic.
Who is the 'mean woman'?
She will seldom have enough true friends to actually form a group. The more friends she has, the more likely it is that one of these 'grown' women would put her in her place. She will likely have a 'following' of women she has groomed to look up to her.
She will have one 'friend' who cares enough about her to allow her to cross decency boundaries from time to time. This true friend knows her well enough to have compassion for her unspoken issues. It might take years, but since most people have a limit on how much abuse they will take, the depth of the friendship will likely change. The real friend will either end the relationship or pull far, far, away. As well she should.
The 'mean woman' mindset can be both jealous and envious.They always seem to want more of anything that surpasses someone else. It can be career, clothes, furniture, size and location of house, type of car she drives, to the choice of a husband. Like her young counterpart, if her friend(s) make a choice that will result in outshining her, she will also quickly tear it down; usually with harsh criticism or even a childish, but hurtful tantrum.. Yes, grown women really do have tantrums.
Her main focus in life is,,,herself.
She makes herself miserable, and does a pretty good job of disrupting the peace of those who love her. She is a seasoned manipulator who uses words to control those who give her the slightest opportunity.
She has a selective verbal filter. She is usually successful in her life, but often fails to acknowledge her many blessings. She is usually too busy keeping up with the blessings of others.
She will expect her friends to accommodate her in every way. Since she keeps a detailed record of what she does for everyone, she will be quick to remind her friend why she expects her to be at her beck and call.
So, are 'mean girls and 'mean women' bad people?
No, but they make choices that are often totally selfish. They fail to think about how their words and actions will affect those in their world. Thankfully, the few women I know who haven't grown up, seem to have good hearts. However, they treat strangers much better than they treat the women who have always been their support system. This is what saddens me the most.
We are women.
We carry babies inside of us for almost an entire year.
We build a nurturing foundation strong enough to support a family during both good and bad times.
We have the ability to be logical and stay connected to our emotions through those same times,,,simultaneously.
For most young girls, being a 'mean girl' is simply a short phase in their life when their hormones were running amok . Usually before adulthood they have learned a better way of coping with the challenges and rewards of healthy relationships.
They have learned that the world simply does not revolve around them. Period.
Most women who become 'mean women' probably have issues and baggage that has yet to be acknowledged and addressed.
If only they would realize how much more meaningful their lives would be without the bitterness that most are not even aware they have.
What does her friends do?
Love them; even if that has to be from a distance.
Pray for them..pray for peace where there is none.
We need to always be present for each other.
God has given us the tools to make this become our reality.
This is what we do..
After all is said and done..
We are women.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Your Church and Domestic Abuse/A Woman's Perspective
Today countless women have spent at least a few moments deciding what they will wear to church tomorrow. Many will have also chosen an outfit for their spouse. A sizable number of these women will attend church services with a spouse that regularly abuses them.
It is safe to say that no matter what the name of the religion or denomination happens to be, the majority of the congregations will be made up of women. A disturbing number of these women will be victims of domestic abuse. This number will include both single and married women.
A person's spiritual journey is the most important journey of their life. The system of belief they choose will help them to navigate the ups and downs of life. It could be the same as their parents, or their choice as an adult.
I am a Christian, so I will speak from this perspective. God is my source of love, faith and hope. His grace and mercy are essential blessings in my life. He lives in me and I do my best to live according to His will.
Sunday morning will find many people sitting in the sanctuary of their church. The word 'sanctuary' simply means: 'a safe haven'. People attend church to meet with people who share their beliefs and at least some of their mindsets. The members are seeking anything from guidance, comfort, love, acceptance, and forgiveness to an extra bounce of strength to help them face the upcoming week.
Granted, all that they seek can be obtained directly from God. But, the physical church is a place where we expect to go and sit, listen, learn and actually interact with people God has chosen to help us to,,,get it right. It is wrong to expect these leaders to be perfect, but it is fair to expect them to seek God's guidance regarding the needs of the people who have placed their trust in,,,their faith.
When there is a topic that a Pastor wants or needs to address, he will prepare a sermon that he prays will be received by his congregation. Maybe not by all, but hopefully, by the ones who might be most in need.
It seems that church leaders are often reluctant to address issues that may be offensive to some members. Or if not offensive, perhaps uncomfortable.
How could a church leader look at the news even once a week and not realize that domestic abuse is an issue that should be discussed?. Even if the Pastor has not been told of any incidents of abuse within his church, he should seriously consider the shame and fear that would prevent a woman from coming forward and seeking his help. The question then becomes, will he know how to help her??
It will not be easy for a woman to admit to her Pastor that she is being abused. He must understand that it is difficult to share her shame with anyone.
If a woman is not ready to send her husband to jail, but is desperately seeking help from a person she respects and trusts not to judge her,,,her Pastor,,,,the Pastor should be prepared to help her.
How can your church help fight domestic abuse?
Church leaders must first ACCEPT the often deadly REALITY of domestic abuse.
*Bring the issue to the pulpit!
* Do not assess blame on the victim; you do not have that right.
*Do not attempt to find and show the victim a viable biblical excuse for a husband abusing his wife; it simply is not there. The victim will never again seek your help,,regarding anything.
*Take the time to become educated on ALL aspects of domestic abuse.
*Leaders should collectively find ways the church can help the families.
*Offer workshops several times a year. Not just included in the annual Women's Conference or during the month of October.
*Schedule Men's Conference's focusing only on domestic abuse.
*Teach the male members of your church how to recognize dangerous behavior regarding themselves and possibly those within their inner circle. Perhaps they can help someone along the way.
* Encourage your church leaders to make your church a beacon of understanding for victims and their families.
*Seek God's guidance in learning how to help the abuser without further endangering the victim..
*Form a prayer and counseling group within your church to assist the victims of the community you serve. The scope of your church should reach beyond the doors of your building.
* Think of this issue as missionary work, including the provision of resources and education. One more example of showing God's love..
*Understand the importance of trust and privacy. This is especially true when choosing others to work with the victims. If kind, sweet Sister Whitman is a gossip; she should not be in a position to know the intimate details of a victim's life.
*Remember that only God has the right to judge. If you have a difficult time understanding why women stay in abusive situations and are tempted to blame them for their circumstances, talk to a professional who will help you to understand..
**Knowledge is power.
*Understanding provides the wisdom to use the power wisely.
Above all else, present your genuine desire to help directly to God,,,He will provide you with the guidance, knowledge, and strength to make a meaningful difference.
It is safe to say that no matter what the name of the religion or denomination happens to be, the majority of the congregations will be made up of women. A disturbing number of these women will be victims of domestic abuse. This number will include both single and married women.
A person's spiritual journey is the most important journey of their life. The system of belief they choose will help them to navigate the ups and downs of life. It could be the same as their parents, or their choice as an adult.
I am a Christian, so I will speak from this perspective. God is my source of love, faith and hope. His grace and mercy are essential blessings in my life. He lives in me and I do my best to live according to His will.
Sunday morning will find many people sitting in the sanctuary of their church. The word 'sanctuary' simply means: 'a safe haven'. People attend church to meet with people who share their beliefs and at least some of their mindsets. The members are seeking anything from guidance, comfort, love, acceptance, and forgiveness to an extra bounce of strength to help them face the upcoming week.
Granted, all that they seek can be obtained directly from God. But, the physical church is a place where we expect to go and sit, listen, learn and actually interact with people God has chosen to help us to,,,get it right. It is wrong to expect these leaders to be perfect, but it is fair to expect them to seek God's guidance regarding the needs of the people who have placed their trust in,,,their faith.
When there is a topic that a Pastor wants or needs to address, he will prepare a sermon that he prays will be received by his congregation. Maybe not by all, but hopefully, by the ones who might be most in need.
It seems that church leaders are often reluctant to address issues that may be offensive to some members. Or if not offensive, perhaps uncomfortable.
How could a church leader look at the news even once a week and not realize that domestic abuse is an issue that should be discussed?. Even if the Pastor has not been told of any incidents of abuse within his church, he should seriously consider the shame and fear that would prevent a woman from coming forward and seeking his help. The question then becomes, will he know how to help her??
It will not be easy for a woman to admit to her Pastor that she is being abused. He must understand that it is difficult to share her shame with anyone.
If a woman is not ready to send her husband to jail, but is desperately seeking help from a person she respects and trusts not to judge her,,,her Pastor,,,,the Pastor should be prepared to help her.
How can your church help fight domestic abuse?
Church leaders must first ACCEPT the often deadly REALITY of domestic abuse.
*Bring the issue to the pulpit!
* Do not assess blame on the victim; you do not have that right.
*Do not attempt to find and show the victim a viable biblical excuse for a husband abusing his wife; it simply is not there. The victim will never again seek your help,,regarding anything.
*Take the time to become educated on ALL aspects of domestic abuse.
*Leaders should collectively find ways the church can help the families.
*Offer workshops several times a year. Not just included in the annual Women's Conference or during the month of October.
*Schedule Men's Conference's focusing only on domestic abuse.
*Teach the male members of your church how to recognize dangerous behavior regarding themselves and possibly those within their inner circle. Perhaps they can help someone along the way.
* Encourage your church leaders to make your church a beacon of understanding for victims and their families.
*Seek God's guidance in learning how to help the abuser without further endangering the victim..
*Form a prayer and counseling group within your church to assist the victims of the community you serve. The scope of your church should reach beyond the doors of your building.
* Think of this issue as missionary work, including the provision of resources and education. One more example of showing God's love..
*Understand the importance of trust and privacy. This is especially true when choosing others to work with the victims. If kind, sweet Sister Whitman is a gossip; she should not be in a position to know the intimate details of a victim's life.
*Remember that only God has the right to judge. If you have a difficult time understanding why women stay in abusive situations and are tempted to blame them for their circumstances, talk to a professional who will help you to understand..
**Knowledge is power.
*Understanding provides the wisdom to use the power wisely.
Above all else, present your genuine desire to help directly to God,,,He will provide you with the guidance, knowledge, and strength to make a meaningful difference.
Monday, October 8, 2012
When Women Are The Abusers/ A Woman's Perspective
As difficult as it may be for some to comprehend, yes, there are women who are classic abusers. Women are capable of physically and emotionally abusing those who are close to them. The fact that so few men are likely to share this part of their lives with family and friends makes it harder for people to take this type of abuse seriously. Known cases are steadily rising; imagine what the numbers would be if more men would seek help.
Just as a man's sheer physical strength makes it easy for him to become the abuser, that same physical strength will be a source of shame when he is abused by a woman.
Except for the gender and physical strength, how the abuse is rendered is much the same. A female abuser will only attempt to abuse a man that she believes will not physically defend himself. So,,a man who has been taught that under no circumstances should he physically hurt a woman; even in self defense, would no doubt be a perfect victim.
A female abuser will know just what her husband's weaknesses are. She will use her knowledge to bring him up or down,,as she so chooses. She will attack his manhood; whatever he feels that might be. It could be either his brain or his penis. She will know which he holds more dear. She will withhold affection,,because she can.
Some men are attracted to women who appear to be strong and quick to "put people in their place" or " just say what other people are afraid to say" or "tell it like it is!".
Well,,,these people are rude. If they are comfortable living without a verbal filter, why are men so often surprised when this negative attitude is directed at them?
*A nasty negative attitude is not an example of strength. It is a sign that the person has a need to feel superior. In order for them to feel superior, they have to have someone who is beneath them.
If a woman will make spiteful, hurtful and demeaning comments to her husband in public, it is doubtful her behavior is less aggressive in the privacy of their homes.
*If a woman's negative attitude enters the room before she does, it is not an act. People will pretend to be nice,,,few will pretend to be nasty.
People tell and show you who they are. If her husband has a deep look of sadness,,,it is quite possible that he is married to a bully.
Several years ago, while putting together a panel to discuss domestic violence, I met an amazing couple. After several failed attempts at finding a man willing to admit to having been an abuser, I met a large gentle minister and his wife. They were in their mid fifties and their story had a profound impact on the audience and the panel. This was no easy feat since the panel was made of women who had been abused, professional counselors, and a member of a newly formed task force of the police department. The audience was made up of a room full of women and no more than ten men.
The minister told us that he was taught to never put his hands on a woman in an aggressive manner. His mother failed to teach him how to choose a non-aggressive woman. Soon after the wedding, his wife began to physically abuse him. She would hit, scratch, bite whenever she felt he deserved to be punished. It was his wife's mother who came up with a 'solution'. His mother-in-law told him that he would have to beat her daughter to stop her from hurting him. He said that he was shocked and told her that he could never hit her. Well, one night soon after that conversation his wife attacked him,,and he hit her. He said it felt good. This man is well over 6 ft. tall and at that time was probably solidly built. For many years their lives were filled with pain and bruises.
The minister's wife confirmed his story. She said that she grew up in a neighborhood where you were picked on if you did not know how to fight. She joined a 'gang' of sorts and learned the art of senseless aggression. Aggression and respect seemed to go hand in hand in her world. She knew that his world was different, and she did not expect him to ever hit her.
Their honesty made their words of advice to the audience even more meaningful. They both acknowledged their mistakes and their growth.
Abuse is painful and degrading coming from either a man or a woman.
The fact that men far, far, exceed women as abusers does not mean that the abuse of men should be ignored.
Men are expected to lead their households. If a man finds himself in a situation where his spirit is broken, who does he tell?
Society has almost succeeded in programming men to believe that having a spirit is a sign of weakness? Again, who does he tell?
Who does a man tell if his wife is physically hurting him?
Who will believe him?
Who will understand?
If this man is someone you love,,, pray for him and with him.
Help him to understand that God will always understand.,,,always.
There must be a change in mindset regarding domestic abuse in all areas.
Once the attitude of society becomes more compassionate and less judgemental, perhaps more abused people will seek the assistance that is available.
Just as a man's sheer physical strength makes it easy for him to become the abuser, that same physical strength will be a source of shame when he is abused by a woman.
Except for the gender and physical strength, how the abuse is rendered is much the same. A female abuser will only attempt to abuse a man that she believes will not physically defend himself. So,,a man who has been taught that under no circumstances should he physically hurt a woman; even in self defense, would no doubt be a perfect victim.
A female abuser will know just what her husband's weaknesses are. She will use her knowledge to bring him up or down,,as she so chooses. She will attack his manhood; whatever he feels that might be. It could be either his brain or his penis. She will know which he holds more dear. She will withhold affection,,because she can.
Some men are attracted to women who appear to be strong and quick to "put people in their place" or " just say what other people are afraid to say" or "tell it like it is!".
Well,,,these people are rude. If they are comfortable living without a verbal filter, why are men so often surprised when this negative attitude is directed at them?
*A nasty negative attitude is not an example of strength. It is a sign that the person has a need to feel superior. In order for them to feel superior, they have to have someone who is beneath them.
If a woman will make spiteful, hurtful and demeaning comments to her husband in public, it is doubtful her behavior is less aggressive in the privacy of their homes.
*If a woman's negative attitude enters the room before she does, it is not an act. People will pretend to be nice,,,few will pretend to be nasty.
People tell and show you who they are. If her husband has a deep look of sadness,,,it is quite possible that he is married to a bully.
Several years ago, while putting together a panel to discuss domestic violence, I met an amazing couple. After several failed attempts at finding a man willing to admit to having been an abuser, I met a large gentle minister and his wife. They were in their mid fifties and their story had a profound impact on the audience and the panel. This was no easy feat since the panel was made of women who had been abused, professional counselors, and a member of a newly formed task force of the police department. The audience was made up of a room full of women and no more than ten men.
The minister told us that he was taught to never put his hands on a woman in an aggressive manner. His mother failed to teach him how to choose a non-aggressive woman. Soon after the wedding, his wife began to physically abuse him. She would hit, scratch, bite whenever she felt he deserved to be punished. It was his wife's mother who came up with a 'solution'. His mother-in-law told him that he would have to beat her daughter to stop her from hurting him. He said that he was shocked and told her that he could never hit her. Well, one night soon after that conversation his wife attacked him,,and he hit her. He said it felt good. This man is well over 6 ft. tall and at that time was probably solidly built. For many years their lives were filled with pain and bruises.
The minister's wife confirmed his story. She said that she grew up in a neighborhood where you were picked on if you did not know how to fight. She joined a 'gang' of sorts and learned the art of senseless aggression. Aggression and respect seemed to go hand in hand in her world. She knew that his world was different, and she did not expect him to ever hit her.
Their honesty made their words of advice to the audience even more meaningful. They both acknowledged their mistakes and their growth.
Abuse is painful and degrading coming from either a man or a woman.
The fact that men far, far, exceed women as abusers does not mean that the abuse of men should be ignored.
Men are expected to lead their households. If a man finds himself in a situation where his spirit is broken, who does he tell?
Society has almost succeeded in programming men to believe that having a spirit is a sign of weakness? Again, who does he tell?
Who does a man tell if his wife is physically hurting him?
Who will believe him?
Who will understand?
If this man is someone you love,,, pray for him and with him.
Help him to understand that God will always understand.,,,always.
There must be a change in mindset regarding domestic abuse in all areas.
Once the attitude of society becomes more compassionate and less judgemental, perhaps more abused people will seek the assistance that is available.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
* The History of 'Lilly Gordon'.....from Sammye Kaye
My previous post titled 'Has Anybody Seen Lilly Gordon?' is a condensed version of a monologue written and performed by me for use during the month of October. For three years I performed this piece for various groups in a effort to heighten the awareness of Domestic Violence.
While watching the 4 o'clock news yesterday and seeing three back to back incidents of domestic violence occurring within less than 24 hours, I decided to allow the voice of 'Lilly Gordon' to be a part of my blog.
If this post can help just one woman make the decision to seek the help that is readily available through most local women's shelters and national hot lines, the voice of 'Lilly' will have once again served it's purpose.
~Sammye Kaye~
While watching the 4 o'clock news yesterday and seeing three back to back incidents of domestic violence occurring within less than 24 hours, I decided to allow the voice of 'Lilly Gordon' to be a part of my blog.
If this post can help just one woman make the decision to seek the help that is readily available through most local women's shelters and national hot lines, the voice of 'Lilly' will have once again served it's purpose.
~Sammye Kaye~
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
'Has Anybody Seen Lilly Gordon?'.....A Story by Sammye Kaye
I woke up this morning with mixed feelings. Years ago, I remember wondering what it felt like to be 'old'. Do you suddenly feel ugly? Will I turn all wrinkly overnight? I had to laugh at myself for allowing these silly thoughts to cloud up my mind.
My name is Lilly Gordon and today is my 50th birthday. My silly questions really won't matter, because today is also the day my husband of 25 years will beat me to death with his favorite golf club.
Of course you are wondering how I got to this point. I have asked myself this question many times over the last twenty plus years. I don't suppose I have much time, but I will try to make sense of my life, such as it was.
My husband and I met through mutual friends. We were both up and coming business owners who shared many interests. At least, I thought we did. We dated for six months and with the blessings of family and friends, decided to get married. The first year of marriage was wonderful. The only low point was the mutual decision to sell my business and focus on his. We made a huge profit since my business was doing well; actually better than his. About this time, we decided to start our family. Within three years we had two beautiful sons. He was a great father.
.
*.Does a great father beat the mother of his children??
The first five years were normal, as marriages go. The first time he hit me was the night of our 6th wedding anniversary. As a surprise, I had invited the couple who introduced us to join us for dinner. He did not even remember the date and was embarrassed. In addition to all the other beatings,every anniversary after that, I received a bonus beating. The bruises were never visible, so I was not faced with the humiliation of explaining anything to anybody. He was also careful to only hit me when the boys were away from home.
My husband is a pillar of integrity in our close knit community. He owns a lucrative business. He is a leader in the largest church in our city where he makes overly generous donations. I have often felt that he thinks he is buying his way into heaven.
I have always been too ashamed to tell my family or friends. I was just not strong enough to tell anyone how horrible my life has been. Several years ago, after he cracked one of my ribs, I scheduled a meeting with our pastor. Within the hour my husband was hitting me across my back with his belt. No, the pastor never called me to ask why I never showed up for the appointment; apparently he knew the answer. Needless to say, I had no trust or respect for the person in the pulpit of my church. What can I say? I didn't have any respect for myself either.
Yesterday, my best friend suggested we have an early dinner to celebrate my birthday. I declined because my sons planned to come over after dinner for cake and ice cream. We always planned everything around my husband's schedule no matter how inconvenient it was for anyone else.
Last night, my prayer was somehow,, different. Over the years, my faith has been unstable at best. I think maybe I wanted God to just take me away; like Calgon or something. I realize now that I did not want to be responsible for myself or my choices. I finally asked God to give me the strength to walk away.
After I finished laughing at my silly questions this morning, I called my friend and made plans to have that birthday dinner after all. We had a great time. Actually, my entire day was light and happy.
I did not tell my husband of my plans because I had decided to tell him that I was leaving him. After years of research and discussions with counselors from the local women's shelter, I knew how dangerous it would be for me after telling him of my decision. In my heart and spirit, I was already free; I did not care much about anything else. Or did I??
I was surprised to see his car in the driveway of our beautiful home. A home that had become my beautiful prison. He never got home before 9:00 and it was just a little past 6:00.
When I opened the front door, he was standing in the foyer with an almost comical scowl. I had never gone anywhere without asking him first. He asked me where in the hell had I been??
I smiled.
I only felt the first blow. I was knocked completely unconscious with his balled fist. He broke two of his fingers. I know now that I actually died from the blows of his golf club. He broke half the bones in my body.
He lost it. It was not my smile that pushed him over the edge, it was the look of freedom that he saw in my eyes. He had to have seen it; it would have been impossible for him to miss.
The first person he called was his pastor. He showed up looking totally confused; poor man. Maybe he learned a lesson that will benefit another woman. It was obviously too late for an ambulance, but it took them over 30 minutes to call the police. You see, they were busy praying. I wonder if one of those prayers was for me...
I am so sorry that my babies have to deal with this pain. They loved me, but they also love their father. May God have mercy on my,,no, our families.
How sad that the date of my birth is now the date of my death.
.
I regret not telling the people who loved me the truth, because my life was a lie. They really haven't seen the real Lilly in a very long time. But then, neither have I. I did leave a journal for my sister. Maybe that will help them to understand how this happened. Maybe.
Even now, I do not understand the reason why.
It is time for me to go..
My name is Lilly Gordon and today is my 50th birthday. My silly questions really won't matter, because today is also the day my husband of 25 years will beat me to death with his favorite golf club.
Of course you are wondering how I got to this point. I have asked myself this question many times over the last twenty plus years. I don't suppose I have much time, but I will try to make sense of my life, such as it was.
My husband and I met through mutual friends. We were both up and coming business owners who shared many interests. At least, I thought we did. We dated for six months and with the blessings of family and friends, decided to get married. The first year of marriage was wonderful. The only low point was the mutual decision to sell my business and focus on his. We made a huge profit since my business was doing well; actually better than his. About this time, we decided to start our family. Within three years we had two beautiful sons. He was a great father.
.
*.Does a great father beat the mother of his children??
The first five years were normal, as marriages go. The first time he hit me was the night of our 6th wedding anniversary. As a surprise, I had invited the couple who introduced us to join us for dinner. He did not even remember the date and was embarrassed. In addition to all the other beatings,every anniversary after that, I received a bonus beating. The bruises were never visible, so I was not faced with the humiliation of explaining anything to anybody. He was also careful to only hit me when the boys were away from home.
My husband is a pillar of integrity in our close knit community. He owns a lucrative business. He is a leader in the largest church in our city where he makes overly generous donations. I have often felt that he thinks he is buying his way into heaven.
I have always been too ashamed to tell my family or friends. I was just not strong enough to tell anyone how horrible my life has been. Several years ago, after he cracked one of my ribs, I scheduled a meeting with our pastor. Within the hour my husband was hitting me across my back with his belt. No, the pastor never called me to ask why I never showed up for the appointment; apparently he knew the answer. Needless to say, I had no trust or respect for the person in the pulpit of my church. What can I say? I didn't have any respect for myself either.
Yesterday, my best friend suggested we have an early dinner to celebrate my birthday. I declined because my sons planned to come over after dinner for cake and ice cream. We always planned everything around my husband's schedule no matter how inconvenient it was for anyone else.
Last night, my prayer was somehow,, different. Over the years, my faith has been unstable at best. I think maybe I wanted God to just take me away; like Calgon or something. I realize now that I did not want to be responsible for myself or my choices. I finally asked God to give me the strength to walk away.
After I finished laughing at my silly questions this morning, I called my friend and made plans to have that birthday dinner after all. We had a great time. Actually, my entire day was light and happy.
I did not tell my husband of my plans because I had decided to tell him that I was leaving him. After years of research and discussions with counselors from the local women's shelter, I knew how dangerous it would be for me after telling him of my decision. In my heart and spirit, I was already free; I did not care much about anything else. Or did I??
I was surprised to see his car in the driveway of our beautiful home. A home that had become my beautiful prison. He never got home before 9:00 and it was just a little past 6:00.
When I opened the front door, he was standing in the foyer with an almost comical scowl. I had never gone anywhere without asking him first. He asked me where in the hell had I been??
I smiled.
I only felt the first blow. I was knocked completely unconscious with his balled fist. He broke two of his fingers. I know now that I actually died from the blows of his golf club. He broke half the bones in my body.
He lost it. It was not my smile that pushed him over the edge, it was the look of freedom that he saw in my eyes. He had to have seen it; it would have been impossible for him to miss.
The first person he called was his pastor. He showed up looking totally confused; poor man. Maybe he learned a lesson that will benefit another woman. It was obviously too late for an ambulance, but it took them over 30 minutes to call the police. You see, they were busy praying. I wonder if one of those prayers was for me...
I am so sorry that my babies have to deal with this pain. They loved me, but they also love their father. May God have mercy on my,,no, our families.
How sad that the date of my birth is now the date of my death.
.
I regret not telling the people who loved me the truth, because my life was a lie. They really haven't seen the real Lilly in a very long time. But then, neither have I. I did leave a journal for my sister. Maybe that will help them to understand how this happened. Maybe.
Even now, I do not understand the reason why.
It is time for me to go..
Monday, October 1, 2012
The Shame of Emotional Abuse/A Woman's Perspective
There is degradation associated with any type of domestic violence. It is often said that the scars of emotional abuse are invisible. I strongly disagree. For those who are close enough to the person being abused to know who they are, the signs are impossible to miss.
Emotional Abuse: the debasement of a person's feelings that causes the individual to perceive
himself or herself as inept, not cared for, or worthless.
Soul: a person's moral or emotional nature or sense of identity.
Essence: the core nature or most important qualities of a person or thing.
Emotional abuse is the meticulous battering of a person's spirit. In most cases, the fact that the abused person already had a weakened spirit makes her a prime target for her abuser.
An emotional abuser can easily be a woman as well as a man. Honestly, because women tend to know more about the men in their lives than men know their women, a woman has the ability to do a considerable amount of damage to a man's spirit.
I am however, speaking from a woman's perspective.
Experts have determined that men who abuse are generally lacking in confidence. They probably have little control in the outside world. Their private world is their kingdom,,,,and of course they are the king. The question then becomes whether his wife is the queen or just his only royal subject?
I have reluctantly come to believe that it is highly possible that some abusers would be totally shocked and confused if they were viewed and labeled as abusers. Could he possibly be a seemingly confident man who fell into the abyss of arrogance? Or perhaps he is a man who is the product of his family and environment?
Or he could simply be a man who honestly believes that he is superior to most people; certainly his wife. He would never be comfortable with a woman who is his intellectual equal.
His kingdom,,,his rules,,,his life.
Most women are attracted to a man who has the ability to be a leader. Is he capable of listening to the views of his wife or woman, or does he minimize the validity of her voice?
Most women are impressed by a man's concern for her well being when she is away from him. Does he insist on knowing where you are every moment of the day? And who you are with?
* If a woman makes the mistake of sharing too much personal information regarding her friends, an emotionally abusive man will judge the friends behavior according to his morals and proceed to bring the friendship to an end. After all,,,only he knows best.
* If a man has trust issues with his mother,,,,it is unlikely he will ever completely trust any woman.
Some women enjoy their husbands interest in their hair, makeup, and clothes. It is probably very nice if the husband is a confident, loving, mentally healthy man. On the other hand, if he tends to insist on dressing his wife from head to toe,,,all the time,,,there are serious control issues.
If a husband decides when his wife should eat and how much she should eat,,,,he has control issues.
*If a man consistently makes statements that hurt your heart and make you cry, how can that person genuinely love you?.
*If he withholds affection when he is upset with you, he is punishing you. A very basic mind game.
Someone might be asking just how these examples count as abuse.
When a person is convicted of a crime, they lose the credibility of their personal voice, and they lose basic freedoms that most of us take for granted.
When someone else chooses your friends, your clothes, when to visit your family, when to exercise and how much you are allowed to eat and when you should go to bed,,,,,that person is basically controlling your life.
The abuser will have no respect for the person he abuses. As time passes, his tone of voice will be filled with impatience and his attitude will be disrespectful.
He will become bored by the weakened spirit that he has so carefully designed..
The Power of Words
The tongue is a force to be respected, and often feared. This relatively small body part allows us to express ourselves with love and compassion. Others seem to derive a great deal of satisfaction by using it to deliver words of humiliation and pain.
When a woman's spirit is broken, she has no sense of worth. She is at risk to lose her essence and the connection to her very soul. She will do her best to focus on what might be positive in her life. She is not familiar enough with happiness to know whether she is or not
.
There will be no ready smile.
There will be no sparkle in her eyes.
She will be thankful for her life, but it will not be viewed with excited anticipation.
She will appear to be sad because,, she is sad.
She will seem tired, because,, she is tired.
If you are a friend, do not judge her. You simply do not have that right.
Listen to her and be there for her. It will be her decision when that will be.
Help her to learn how to love herself. Only then will she recognize her worth.
Pray with her and for her.
Help her to understand that God is the source of her strength.
Emotional Abuse: the debasement of a person's feelings that causes the individual to perceive
himself or herself as inept, not cared for, or worthless.
Soul: a person's moral or emotional nature or sense of identity.
Essence: the core nature or most important qualities of a person or thing.
Emotional abuse is the meticulous battering of a person's spirit. In most cases, the fact that the abused person already had a weakened spirit makes her a prime target for her abuser.
An emotional abuser can easily be a woman as well as a man. Honestly, because women tend to know more about the men in their lives than men know their women, a woman has the ability to do a considerable amount of damage to a man's spirit.
I am however, speaking from a woman's perspective.
Experts have determined that men who abuse are generally lacking in confidence. They probably have little control in the outside world. Their private world is their kingdom,,,,and of course they are the king. The question then becomes whether his wife is the queen or just his only royal subject?
I have reluctantly come to believe that it is highly possible that some abusers would be totally shocked and confused if they were viewed and labeled as abusers. Could he possibly be a seemingly confident man who fell into the abyss of arrogance? Or perhaps he is a man who is the product of his family and environment?
Or he could simply be a man who honestly believes that he is superior to most people; certainly his wife. He would never be comfortable with a woman who is his intellectual equal.
His kingdom,,,his rules,,,his life.
Most women are attracted to a man who has the ability to be a leader. Is he capable of listening to the views of his wife or woman, or does he minimize the validity of her voice?
Most women are impressed by a man's concern for her well being when she is away from him. Does he insist on knowing where you are every moment of the day? And who you are with?
* If a woman makes the mistake of sharing too much personal information regarding her friends, an emotionally abusive man will judge the friends behavior according to his morals and proceed to bring the friendship to an end. After all,,,only he knows best.
* If a man has trust issues with his mother,,,,it is unlikely he will ever completely trust any woman.
Some women enjoy their husbands interest in their hair, makeup, and clothes. It is probably very nice if the husband is a confident, loving, mentally healthy man. On the other hand, if he tends to insist on dressing his wife from head to toe,,,all the time,,,there are serious control issues.
If a husband decides when his wife should eat and how much she should eat,,,,he has control issues.
*If a man consistently makes statements that hurt your heart and make you cry, how can that person genuinely love you?.
*If he withholds affection when he is upset with you, he is punishing you. A very basic mind game.
Someone might be asking just how these examples count as abuse.
When a person is convicted of a crime, they lose the credibility of their personal voice, and they lose basic freedoms that most of us take for granted.
When someone else chooses your friends, your clothes, when to visit your family, when to exercise and how much you are allowed to eat and when you should go to bed,,,,,that person is basically controlling your life.
The abuser will have no respect for the person he abuses. As time passes, his tone of voice will be filled with impatience and his attitude will be disrespectful.
He will become bored by the weakened spirit that he has so carefully designed..
The Power of Words
The tongue is a force to be respected, and often feared. This relatively small body part allows us to express ourselves with love and compassion. Others seem to derive a great deal of satisfaction by using it to deliver words of humiliation and pain.
When a woman's spirit is broken, she has no sense of worth. She is at risk to lose her essence and the connection to her very soul. She will do her best to focus on what might be positive in her life. She is not familiar enough with happiness to know whether she is or not
.
There will be no ready smile.
There will be no sparkle in her eyes.
She will be thankful for her life, but it will not be viewed with excited anticipation.
She will appear to be sad because,, she is sad.
She will seem tired, because,, she is tired.
If you are a friend, do not judge her. You simply do not have that right.
Listen to her and be there for her. It will be her decision when that will be.
Help her to learn how to love herself. Only then will she recognize her worth.
Pray with her and for her.
Help her to understand that God is the source of her strength.
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