Mothers and Daughters

The relationship between a woman and her daughter is a journey that has been traveled many times before. A journey filled with crossroads, detours, speed bumps and more than a few sink holes. A journey the mother knows well because although she has long since passed the first stretch, she will continue her journey throughout her lifetime.
The life of a woman has never been easy.
It is true that some women will think of their daughters as 'real live baby dolls' they can dress up and parade around to be seen. It is also true that some mothers will expect their daughters to be ' tiny clones' of themselves. It is safe to say that generally, once a little girl reaches puberty her natural instinct to be an individual will be make its full presence known. The battle of wills begin....
The fact that women have mastered the ability to be both logical and emotional thinkers, gives us a much needed advantage. This is especially true when raising a daughter. The combination of intellect, logic, emotions, and hormones brings complexity to a completely different level. The female 'connection' between a mother and daughter gives the intuitive mother another advantage. The mother's insight into who her daughter is will aid in teaching her child how to safely navigate the journey she must travel.
 An ability to clearly 'read' their daughter is an added bonus fueled totally by a mother's love. A gift that your daughter will not fully understand or appreciate until she has a daughter of her own.
Women have fought long and hard to be accepted as equal and capable in the world we live in. For women of color, the issue of 'color' is an additional battle still being fought; with painfully limited support. Women are first judged by society based on their physical beauty. Sadly, the panel of judges are not comprised of representatives for all women. The beauty' scale of justice' is dangerously unbalanced. It is the responsibility of the mother to teach her daughter the real meaning of beauty. She must make her daughter understand that she is,,beautiful because God made her exactly how He wanted her to be. She must be taught that her beauty belongs to her; she must own it. This is certainly not easy for a child (grown women??) to understand.  It begins with how the mother feels about herself and her child. The mother must accept her own beauty and she must accept the beauty of her child.( Confusing? Unfortunately, there are women who are disappointed in the appearance of their daughters, if they fail to meet the guidelines of society. (Of course, these women are in dire need of help because their daughter will immediately pick up her mother's feelings.) Even if a woman is insecure in herself, she still has the opportunity, ability, and responsibility to provide and nurture her daughter's confidence.
A mother's need to protect her child is paramount to everything else. An angry mother is much more dangerous than an angry father. A father will act immediately; a mother has the patience to plan and execute,,,her plan, at just the right time.
A mother sadly knows and understands that her daughter will fall in love many times. She also accepts that her daughter's heart is likely to be broken just as many times. She must prepare her child to handle her feelings and move on with her life. Easier said than done; but certainly doable. But, this is just one more bump that she will overcome because,,, she is a woman.
A mother will teach her daughter that God is her refuge and the source of her strength. Always.
A mother will teach her daughter to love herself, respect herself, and respect others.
A mother will teach her daughter to seek the courage to work hard to bring her dreams to fruition.
 A mother will teach her daughter that her body is her temple and only she has the power to allow entrance.
A mother will teach her daughter to be responsible for the consequences of her choices.
A daughter will learn much about how to regard her temple from the manner in which her mother regards her own..
 A mother will teach her daughter to never give anyone else the power to define who she is.
A mother would give her life to make her daughter's life perfect. Since this is not possible, she will spend her life providing loving support as her daughter faces the experiences along the way.
A mother will build a line of communication that will allow her daughter to tell her mother anything, at anytime without fear.
A mother will never stop wanting to hug her baby and make it better; whatever 'it' happens to be.
The love between a mother and her daughter creates a bond that surpasses time.
The lessons a daughter will learn from her mother is a legacy that will be passed to her daughters and  their daughters and on and on....
A mother has the power to either be the type of woman her daughter wants to be,,,or be the type of woman her daughter does not want to be.
You are her Mother; it is your choice.

Fathers and Sons

We are led to believe that every man would love to have a son. A son who will not only look like him and carry his name, but possibly even think like him. But then again, he wants him to be better than him, right??
The relationship between a father and son can be quite complex. The relationship between the father and his father can be a defining factor in just how complex. Women have been watching this drama unfold well, forever.
If this were even a somewhat perfect world, perhaps the lessons that men must learn to navigate their lives would be easier to grasp. Since it is not, the life lessons to be learned and life experiences to  prepare for are different for various cultures. The differences within racial and ethnic groups are major factors in the overall life experience for both men and women.
I suspect there is a tremendous amount of internal pressure on a father to raise his son to be able to survive and succeed in this world.
Men are logical thinkers. They have been programmed to believe that a man who is comfortable with his emotions is weak and unproductive. They have also been taught that a strong man is strong willed and slow to accept change of any kind ,unless it is being initiated by him. Little boys are taught that pain of any kind is not something that real men acknowledge. How sad for the little boys and the men they grow up to be.
How many men find themselves holding their beautiful infant son, (who happens to be his spitting image), suddenly realizes the enormous responsibility God has given them? How many are unexpectedly faced with issues they thought had long been put to rest? How many men have looked into their son's face and cringed because of the obstacles he knew for certain he would have to face,,,just for being born?  How many fathers are afraid he will ultimately fail to prepare their sons for life??
How many sons find themselves facing a father who refuses to open his mind just enough to hear a different view?  How many sons are pressured to live out the dreams of their fathers?  How many sons are afraid they will never meet their father's expectations??  How many sons will never know if they have earned their father's respect?? 
Fathers must be willing to trust their instincts as a parent. This is their son; not their father's. As with all parenting, he must be willing to embrace what was good from his childhood and add what he feels was missing. No matter how good a parent we are, because we are imperfect, we are guaranteed to miss something.  If you want to raise a good man; you must do your best to be a good man. You will always be his most influential role model; good or bad. Allow your son to grow. Do not be afraid to grow with him. There can be no growth without change. If you make a mistake, own your mistake; it belongs to you. Your son does not deserve to carry the burden of your choices. Yes, there are times when your child deserves an explanation simply because it is the right thing to do. Give your son the  respect and confidence he needs to become a man.  Take time to give him a hug and tell him that you love him. He needs to hear you say the words.
Trust the natural instinct of the man you raised.
 He is your son.
Sons must understand that they do not have the answers to any question they have not yet been asked. Your father has taken the courses and passed. Even if you feel that some of his scores are lacking, his survival and presence proves he did not fail. It is both his job and responsibility to teach you what he has learned, whether it makes sense at the time or not. He was present, doing the best he knew how. Do not be afraid to tell him that you love him. He also needs to hear those words.
 He is your father.
The legacy that a father will leave his son will live on generation after generation.
It is the responsibility of both the fathers and sons to build a legacy that will meet God's approval.

Daddies and Daughters

The impact of a man regarding the life of his daughter(s) lasts throughout her lifetime. This is true whether he is an active part of her life or not. A woman's father is the first man on earth who will love her unconditionally. His love will anchor the foundation of her expectations from any other man in her life. His love will plant the seed of confidence that will prepare her for the future.
 I do not believe that confidence is something we are born with. I do believe that each child deserves to be provided with a genuine sense of worth. No matter what the circumstances of their birth happens to be, the worth of any child should be the same. I know,,,in a perfect world.

The relationship between a father and daughter is worlds apart from that of a mother and daughter. In our culture, most little girls have power over their dads that far surpasses that of their mothers. Men are generally clueless when it comes to the mind games their little girls have mastered. I have come to believe that little girls are much more adept than grown women.  I find it amusing to watch a man who prides himself on being 'no nonsence' and always in control, turn into silly putty at the whim of 'daddy's sweet, innocent baby'.

There are many fathers who fail to recognize exactly how much influence they have/ had on the lives of their daughters. A woman's choice of men is often determined by the relationship they have/had with their dad. Their choices are also influenced by how their fathers treated their mothers; or women in general. If he is/was a good provider, respectful and loving to her mother, a woman will expect no less for herself from the man in her life. A woman will spend most of her life saying " My Daddy said..." or " Let me just ask my Daddy". ( It takes a confident man to appreciate the love his woman has for her father).  If the father  is/has been unfaithful, disrespectful, and controlling, she will either accept this is the norm or find it difficult to ever trust any man. Her relationship with her dad will also affect what she teaches her children. If the father is/has been absent from her life, she will likely spend a large part of her life seeking the genuine unconditional type of love her heart craves; only to be disappointed..

We live in a world where mothers are revered simply for giving birth. Good mothers are easily forgiven a magnitude of transgressions. Mothers are honored by our children from the time they can pick a 'flower' from your yard ( or someones yard!) to bring to "Mommy". They don't always think to bring something special to Daddy. This doesn't mean they love him less; this is simply the mindset of society. The loving embrace of a daughter is worth all the flowers in the world.

This mindset has perhaps given men a false sense of 'invisibility' when it comes to making bad choices. This is especially true when it comes to daughters.. Often, about the same time a man's daughter has reached adulthood, the man has also reached midlife. Whether he acknowledges it or not, he is often going through  a sort of ' adult puperty'.( Men are in deep denial when it comes to male menopause).  One of the worst and most devastating mistakes a man ( or woman) can make is to commit adultery. A woman of any age will be affected by the damage  to her family structure, and the pain and humiliation to her mother; no matter how close she is to her father. A daughter is likely to feel her father's mistake extremely close to her heart. She began her life seeing her daddy as her personal knight in shining  armor. He did not even have to have a white horse. Simply being there was enough. He dried her tears when someone hurt her feelings, rescued her from the (deserving) discipline of her mother, bought her the first doll she really cared anything about, taught her how to drive, how to change the oil in her car, and assured her that she could/would live her dreams.

 He is her Daddy.

 She will forgive him because she will always love him. But, he will lose her respect.
Many people have the mistaken idea that the turmoil in a marriage or the end of a marriage has little or no lasting effect on adult children. This is simply not true. While still painful, sons tend to look at the logical aspect because men are driven by their minds. It is very difficult for daughters to work through the emotional pain because women  are driven by their hearts. Same pain; just handled differently.
No matter how old the daughter becomes, in her heart she will always be Daddy's little girl.

The love between a man and his daughter is a gift from God.
The relationship between a man and his daughter is his gift to her.
The love and respect a daughter has for her father is her gift to him.
Dads, live your lives in a manner that will protect your priceless gifts.

The Legacy of Baby Boomers Part 2__Did We Fail Our Children?

The term 'BabybBoomers' ( those of us born between 1944-1964) are viewed as the generation that rejected or redefined traditional values,  Do you agree?
By the time a young person reaches the age of 18, they honestly believe they know everything there is to know,,, about everything. I am inclined to believe the present generation considers themselves to be wiser than their parents by age 13.
Growing up during the drama and turmoil of the 50's and 60's, it was easy (understandable??) for young people to honestly believe that our generation would do a better job of being in charge. Each generation wants the next generation to be more successful than the one before. The world of our parents had changed in ways most had never imagined. They could only hope (pray) that we were prepared for what was on the horizon.
The pulse of the country was off the charts. For the first time in history, equality was more than an impossible dream. Social consciousness was at an all time high. Poor people of all races would benefit from the provision of their basic needs; such as food, housing, and medical care.  The most nagging issue was the facts  regarding who was receiving these services. In spite of misconceptions that are still present today; we did good.
On the flip side, the question of losing a lifelong dominate position in society was also present for the majority of Americans.
The desire to live 'the American dream' became more than a dream; for most, it became an 'obsession'. The availability of education and possibility to have a 'better' life became the driver used to reach the ultimate goal. We failed to take the time to ask ourselves just what we might lose during the process.
As the role of women changed, so did the dynamics of the traditional household. The need to seek higher education, acquire wealth, live an affluent lifestyle, and be viewed as a 'success' in their chosen career was equally important to both men and women. Overall, we did pretty good...
Society in general was in the midst of a huge makeover. With the word 'freedom' becoming one of society's buzz words, the shift in priorities was inevitable.
There will always be people who have more than others. Being one of the richest countries in the world does not grant us the option to ignore the poor. A fellow human being should not have to live under a bridge; unless it is their choice. No child should ever be hungry. Period. The basic needs of a sick or disabled person should be provided. There will always be people who 'need' help; they should receive that help. This is one of God's requirements. Period.
Somewhere along the way, we have allowed a mindset to develop that makes perfectly healthy people believe they do not have to work for their basic needs; or extras. God also teaches us the importance of being responsible for ourselves.
 I must also add that we have also raised a generation of children who believe they should be paid for everything,,,you know,,,,cleaning their room, helping with chores in a house they happen to live in, and of course for getting good grades. Except for the fact that the first example are adults, and the second children, I personally see little difference.
Many of our children have little or no confidence, but take pride in being arrogant; whether or not they actually know the meaning or how to spell the word. They seem to view respect as a sign of weakness; therefore, not encouraged nor required. They expect to be given any and everything they want simply because,,, they were born.
Did our children learn these untruths from us? Have we mistakenly initiated a 'class system' that is supported by a sense of entitlement and superiority??  A need to be better than,,someone?  Anyone?? A need that is projected through bullying and abuse?? Abuse that has been proven to cause deep emotional scars often resulting in some form of death; including innocent victims.
Not all of us rejected the tried and proven values of our parents. In most cases, we can look at our children and say,,,we did good.
Overall, it appears that we have failed to teach our children that who they are is more important than what society expects them to be.
Unfortunately, in our quest to 'do a better job than our parents' we need to figure out if we inadvertently threw the baby out with the bath water.

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The Legacy of Baby Boomers: Part 1

Wikipedia defines the term 'Baby Boomers' as the generation born between 1944-1964. It also mentions the words 'rejection or redefinition of traditional values'. We are also associated with 'privilege, education, and self perception'.
Sadly, this just might be the core of the real legacy we will leave our children. How did we end up making so many mistakes along the way? More importantly, why??
While the life experiences were (are) so vastly different for different people, there are many similarities in all of our mindsets and the choices we made. The burden must be shared across both color and socio-economic lines.
 Over the next few days I will address the time frame that I can directly relate to.
By the time we officially became adults, the historical changes within this country were life changing for most Americans. The impact of the Civil Rights Movement, and the assassinations of Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, and John F. Kennedy speaks volumes. The divided mindset of this country was at its peak.
 The questionable objective of the Viet Nam War, combined with the loss of life for so many young men has left a permanent cloud over this time in history. The shameful manner in which the soldiers  were treated upon return is a permanent scar, that was left unacknowledged for too many years. These young men returned home to a country that was not prepared to handle neither their physical or emotional needs.
These events alone resulted in mass confusion for all involved. Both black and white people were trying to figure out exactly what they needed to do next. How would these changes impact the lives of their families?  Both sides were fully aware that the road ahead would not be easy. Would either side actually survive the journey intact?
 Even changes for the best are likely to bring a mixture of anticipation and fear. This division of color was no exception.

Treasure

The basic definition of treasure is: something of value. Appreciation can be simply defined as: gratitude. The word protect can be summed up as meaning: keep from insult, harm, or loss.  The definition for admire means: regard with respect. 

Now, take a moment and think about which of your existing character traits you most admire. Is it taking longer than you would have expected?  After asking this question in several group sessions, people are always surprised how difficult it is to say something positive about themselves. Even those who seem to place themselves in high regard.
If you know that God loves you, you also know that you are His treasure. We are to love our neighbor as much as we love ourselves; so loving ourselves is also expected. Our character plays the same role as the 'root word' when defining who we are. Our combined traits work together to better fulfill God's purpose for our lives.

Once we accept that we are indeed God's treasure, we can show our appreciation by admiring our gifts enough to protect not just our physical body, but all that makes us who we are.

Let us say that patience is one of your most admirable traits. You also happen to work in a stressful, almost hostile environment. One of your co-workers has made pushing your buttons the highlight of his/her day. You always end up responding to their drama in a way that makes you angry and disappointed in yourself. Each time we allow a person to 'push our buttons' we have given them the power to take away a part of who we are. Learn how to shield your buttons. Protect your gift of patience that certainly did not come easy. Admire your patience enough to keep it away from harm, insult or loss. For me, I just look directly into the eyes of the person, give them a slight smile that instantly removes their perceived control of the situation,, and walk away. Find what works for you. It really is okay not to have the last word..

We live in a world where any 'treasure' is always at high risk. Look beneath your surface, find your treasures, and always keep them safe..... 

Gratitude and Attitude

The ability for a person to recognize and appreciate their blessings, the higher their level of gratitude is likely to be. Their level of gratitude often acts as a blueprint for their attitude. When a person stays focused on what is positive in their lives, there is little time, space, or tolerance for negativity.

Society has programmed people to value what is considered to be large scale living as 'favored' blessings. You know,,, new car, new home, substantial pay increase, to name a few. Sadly, people are prone to view those who don't have these things, or place little importance on the same things, as lazy and 'without favor'. How easy it is to forget the scriptures regarding the rich and poor.  It is so easy for some to look over the actual importance of the blessings that are often taken for granted or even worse, seen as something we are entitled to.  You know,,,, health, healthy children, food, shelter,,you know,,,, the 'simple' things in life.

There are also those who honestly feel that whatever they have acquired or accomplished is due totally on their hard work. They believe that it is something they alone have done that provides them with 'favor'. How many people are really concerned about the origin of the 'trappings of their life?? Many look over the fact that it is God who plants the seeds of our dreams. It is God who gives us the desire and determination and,,,intellect to work hard to find our purpose through our gifts and dreams. It is His love and guidance that pave the way as we travel our journey of life. God is the source of our strength. It is all about Him,,,,not us.

It was inevitable that when it became acceptable for a church,,any church,, to be labeled as a business, the focus would soon shift to the importance of 'prosperity' and accumulating wealth. So now,,,, we have those who feel that because they live better, they are better Christians. God wants what is best for His children. He wants us to have our true hearts desire;. desires that will glorify Him.
 Perhaps we should take the time to examine what we might 'think' we desire, and why.
Who will it really glorify?

 The first time I saw an ad in a Christian periodical that focused  on 'the professional',,after I closed my mouth from surprise,,, I had to laugh. What,,, 'more favor', and a more intellectual interpretation of God's word?  Really???

When Jesus returns, I honestly do not believe that He will first make His presence known to the more affluent zip codes...
Gratitude is the direct result of a humble spirit who seeks to display their 'light within' in the form of a positive and loving attitude.

We must each ask ourselves if the challenge is worth the effort. 

Vanishing Villages

For quite some time, the phrase "It takes a village to raise a child" has managed to touch the hearts of many. For most Black people over the age of 45, this was much more than words of wisdom; it was simply how we were raised. After meeting people from all over this country, the same was true no matter where you happened to grow up.
Growing up in a small town in East Texas during the 50's and 60's was challenging at best. Even as children we understood that life for our parents was far from easy. I say our parents, because growing up, we were protected  from many of the wrongs that our elders had to endure. When I was 6 years old, I had a dog named Punch. I was a very shy child who grew up surrounded by much older adults who were too busy to pay much attention to a little girl who enjoyed being alone. Except for Punch. One morning I woke up to find him shot to death on the front porch. You see, it was common practice for the police to drive through our neighborhood and shoot family pets. I cried for days.
I was almost an adult before I realized how easily the bullet could have hit a family member. Although it was impossible to keep us kids totally protected from the ugliness, they managed to provide us with a strong sense of security. The adults in our community literally built a village around us. There were Black owned businesses that provided most of what we needed. There were a few stores downtown where we were expected to use the back door, but most people chose not to spend their money at these places of business. Teachers would visit your home if you felt the need to act out. There was no 'children's church',,,church was church and no child wanted to be escorted outside during the service,,,for anything!
This mindset of unity was totally inclusive. No matter where you lived, where you worked, whether you owned your home or paid rent, the shared ' understanding of life as it was' provided our people with the strength and power to survive in spite of possible life threatening circumstances. Our faith kept us from wasting time asking God "why?". I have always believed that God gave us a special kind of hope to blend with our humbleness and ability to forgive. I am always curious why people expect us also to forget. God does not require this of anyone; why should we be different?.
As children, we were not just taught how to survive with less than most, but to be thankful for whatever blessings we had. Okay, so we had to pick greens, corn, and peas, etc, etc, etc!!. There were very few overweight, unhealthy kids. We had used, outdated books that were in very poor condition, but all of us could read, comprehend, write, spell and,,, had a real working knowledge of math and science. In other words, our high school education  was the equivalent of someone who has earned an associates degree.
Children were respectful to ALL of their elders. Yes, even the ones who had questionable behavior. That was simply not our choice to make.
As children, we understood that if we did anything,,,small, big,,whatever, and we went to jail,,guilty or not, IF we arrived alive, we would probably never get out.
So what happened?? Did we want equality, not a misplacement of ourselves during integration??  Did we trade in our core to be welcomed across the tracks?? Are we really welcome now?? Did we stop teaching our children the importance of behaving in a respectful manner even if it is not accepted or returned?? And where is our moral compass that is guided by our faith and love of God??  Did we confuse our children regarding our right to equality with an inflated sense of entitlement.??  Have we failed our children by discarding the anchors of our people??
Questions need to be asked and answers need to be found. If our villages are truly lost, we must figure out a plan to build new ones. Our children deserve nothing less...