It has been said that you marry the person; not their family. While it is certainly true that only you and your spouse took the binding oath to marry, even a spouse who is estranged from their family is still connected by the bond of shared blood and genetics.
I am amused when I hear an adult say with exaggerated pride that they have no' baggage' in their life. It is my opinion that along with their obvious delusion, they are not prepared to deal with the baggage of another person.
I do not believe it is possible to travel our journey of life without luggage. We begin as children with a small sturdy bag we pack with dreams and expectations. Throughout our lives, the quality, size, and quantity of our luggage will change many times.
No matter how much faith, contentment or peace we may have, there are issues deep inside each of us that has an active on/off switch. Generally, that issue was a by-product of a family experience. Some family members will know you well enough to flip your switch into the 'on' position whenever they choose.
Our families have the power to provide loving enhancement to our lives. Our families also have the power to make our lives miserable.
*We each have the power to choose exactly what we will deem acceptable behavior from our family.
So, how do we build a healthy relationship between your spouse and your extended family?
Begin with HONESTY.
You know the members of your family as well as they know you. Do not be tempted to lie about anyone or anything that can,,and will,,,come back to cause you embarrassment or grief. If your family is still close enough to your ex to spend time together, it will be extremely difficult for your spouse to completely trust your family.
If you have family members who are just plain 'messy', protect your spouse by telling them before they meet. Messy people, both men and women,,,yes, I did say men,,,will always try to get close enough to a 'new' person to find out information they can pass along to the other messy people in the family.
If there are people in your family who are mentally ill, diagnosed or undiagnosed, do not be ashamed to share this information with your spouse.
If there is someone in your family who is a thief, tell your spouse. She needs to know it is best to put her purse safely away when this person visits. Seriously..
If you are fully aware that your mother( fathers generally stay quiet; even if they feel the same) does not like your spouse, it is your responsibility to,, at the very least, make your mother understand that your spouse must be your first priority. It is also your responsibility to reassure your mother that your love for her will never change. Challenging? Perhaps, but take the time to be grateful for the love of these two women.
If your mother refuses to treat your spouse with respect, find a way to make her understand that she is risking the respect of her own child.
If your spouse is even borderline rude and disrespectful to your parents, seemingly without merit, it is your responsibility to immediately find out why and find a solution to the problem.
Some women are so insecure, they attempt to sabotage the relationship between a man and his family. A smart man will see the signs before the marriage and do his best to give her the confidence in their love,,,and her husband,, that she needs. A not so smart man will ignore the signs and pretend that the problem does not exist. This is a mistake that will only become more serious, and usually include more issues than his parents.
*Always be mindful of the boundaries of respect that should never be crossed by anyone.
Spouses are often guilty of planting the seeds of drama between their families.
Keep your personal disagreements between the two of you.
Make financial decisions together regarding your family. This is true whether you are the borrower or lender.
Money, or lack of, can cause riffs between family members that never heal
The whole idea of marriage is coming together to live your lives as one.
You are still unable to live in this world alone.
Since we are all imperfect in some way, it is safe to say that each of our families have been or will be dysfunctional in one way or another.
If you are blessed to have a loving family and a loving spouse, it is worth the effort that is often needed to become a loving blended family.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Are You A Priority or An Option In Your Relationship or Marriage...A Woman's Perspective
I did not enter the world of dating until very late in life. When I had my 'first' official date as an adult, I was 50 years old. Seriously.
The last 10 years have been an interesting chapter in my life
.
I soon learned that I was completely naive when it came to knowing anything about men. I am forced to laugh at myself when I think back on how wrong I was. I talk to God about each and every part of my life. I was smart enough to know that I was about to enter a world that I knew very little about. So, I did not hesitate to seek God's guidance.
My brothers and even my son tried to prepare me for what to expect, but honestly, I felt they were biased and over protective. Perhaps,,, but they were also right on point.
Best words of advice from my son: " Mama, always remember that if a man is cut for you, he will not hesitate to let you know."
Best advice from my younger brother: "Sam, always remember that a man always has one main objective. Sex. A smart man will listen to you and adjust his game accordingly."
I was such an 'infant' in the process, there is no doubt that God protected me from myself as much as He did from any unsavory men.
Matters of the heart should always be handled with compassion. I have always tried to carry myself in such a way that would never cause pain for another person. It was difficult for me to pull away from someone and risk hurting their feelings. Although I have had my feelings seriously tested, God has protected me from another broken heart.
Although the love of my life has yet to find me, I have formed friendships that I consider to be blessings. They did not cross my path to become my soul mate(s),,, but they were instrumental in helping me to grow.
I will share a few of my... lessons learned.
Men are usually quite simple in their thinking.
Men are loyal to each other, sometimes to a fault. This usually means that we, as women, tend to give them far too much power and credit for creativity in their game.
Again, we think with our hearts; they think with their head(s).
Men are programmed for the 'chase'. Whether this is based on genetics or societal expectations is of course, open for interesting dialogue.
Men have very accurate radar when it comes to a woman who is desperately in need of attention. The
question then becomes:
" Will the man take advantage of this opportunity?"
Or,,,,
" Will the man pull back from someone who is obviously vulnerable?"
Mentally healthy men are not usually interested in women who appear to be weak or submissive( sex only).
Men tend to bore easily.
Mature men really do try to stay away from women who are 'clingy and possessive'.
Well, can you blame them??
Men are often attracted to women who are 'spirited' and slightly aggressive?? Unfortunately, these two traits are likely to come back and bite them in the butt.
Men seem to have a problem accurately gauging a healthy level of,,,spirit.
Is she 'feisty'? Yes.
Is she 'Fine'? Yes.
Is she 'mentally stable'??? No.
Men quite often seem to be confused when faced with a genuinely 'nice' woman who honestly has no game of her own. They usually pass them by.
Older women have always shared this bit of insight. I still find this to be very sad.
But ,,,none the less,very true.
Men are just as afraid of rejection as women are.
When it comes to priority and option, if we stick to the premise that men are far from complicated, the actions of your man will easily provide the answer for you.
Men will seek a woman who is challenging enough to be worthy of the chase he is willing to engage in to win the prize.
Ultimately, that would be You.
When a man is genuinely attracted to 'the whole woman', not just her physical attributes, he will be willing to do the necessary prep work needed to make her want to be his priority.
After the chase, it is still necessary to stay challenging enough to hold onto your 'priority' position in his head and heart.
Do not allow boredom to be a part of your marriage.
Find a way to stay interesting enough that his friends are never sure if he will choose to spend an evening with them or an evening with you.
This is as much for you as it is for him. A woman who has the confidence to pursue her interests and passions will likely understand the need for her husband to pursue his own.
Strive to build an intellectual and creative connection that will help keep your hearts yearning for more ,,of each other.
Spending time together will be meaningful to both of you.
You should both understand that spending time with family and friends is not a threat, but signs of a healthy spouse who is capable of maintaining healthy relationships
.
Being a priority in the life of your spouse is a blessing. Be thankful.
The last 10 years have been an interesting chapter in my life
.
I soon learned that I was completely naive when it came to knowing anything about men. I am forced to laugh at myself when I think back on how wrong I was. I talk to God about each and every part of my life. I was smart enough to know that I was about to enter a world that I knew very little about. So, I did not hesitate to seek God's guidance.
My brothers and even my son tried to prepare me for what to expect, but honestly, I felt they were biased and over protective. Perhaps,,, but they were also right on point.
Best words of advice from my son: " Mama, always remember that if a man is cut for you, he will not hesitate to let you know."
Best advice from my younger brother: "Sam, always remember that a man always has one main objective. Sex. A smart man will listen to you and adjust his game accordingly."
I was such an 'infant' in the process, there is no doubt that God protected me from myself as much as He did from any unsavory men.
Matters of the heart should always be handled with compassion. I have always tried to carry myself in such a way that would never cause pain for another person. It was difficult for me to pull away from someone and risk hurting their feelings. Although I have had my feelings seriously tested, God has protected me from another broken heart.
Although the love of my life has yet to find me, I have formed friendships that I consider to be blessings. They did not cross my path to become my soul mate(s),,, but they were instrumental in helping me to grow.
I will share a few of my... lessons learned.
Men are usually quite simple in their thinking.
Men are loyal to each other, sometimes to a fault. This usually means that we, as women, tend to give them far too much power and credit for creativity in their game.
Again, we think with our hearts; they think with their head(s).
Men are programmed for the 'chase'. Whether this is based on genetics or societal expectations is of course, open for interesting dialogue.
Men have very accurate radar when it comes to a woman who is desperately in need of attention. The
question then becomes:
" Will the man take advantage of this opportunity?"
Or,,,,
" Will the man pull back from someone who is obviously vulnerable?"
Mentally healthy men are not usually interested in women who appear to be weak or submissive( sex only).
Men tend to bore easily.
Mature men really do try to stay away from women who are 'clingy and possessive'.
Well, can you blame them??
Men are often attracted to women who are 'spirited' and slightly aggressive?? Unfortunately, these two traits are likely to come back and bite them in the butt.
Men seem to have a problem accurately gauging a healthy level of,,,spirit.
Is she 'feisty'? Yes.
Is she 'Fine'? Yes.
Is she 'mentally stable'??? No.
Men quite often seem to be confused when faced with a genuinely 'nice' woman who honestly has no game of her own. They usually pass them by.
Older women have always shared this bit of insight. I still find this to be very sad.
But ,,,none the less,very true.
Men are just as afraid of rejection as women are.
When it comes to priority and option, if we stick to the premise that men are far from complicated, the actions of your man will easily provide the answer for you.
Men will seek a woman who is challenging enough to be worthy of the chase he is willing to engage in to win the prize.
Ultimately, that would be You.
When a man is genuinely attracted to 'the whole woman', not just her physical attributes, he will be willing to do the necessary prep work needed to make her want to be his priority.
After the chase, it is still necessary to stay challenging enough to hold onto your 'priority' position in his head and heart.
Do not allow boredom to be a part of your marriage.
Find a way to stay interesting enough that his friends are never sure if he will choose to spend an evening with them or an evening with you.
This is as much for you as it is for him. A woman who has the confidence to pursue her interests and passions will likely understand the need for her husband to pursue his own.
Strive to build an intellectual and creative connection that will help keep your hearts yearning for more ,,of each other.
Spending time together will be meaningful to both of you.
You should both understand that spending time with family and friends is not a threat, but signs of a healthy spouse who is capable of maintaining healthy relationships
.
Being a priority in the life of your spouse is a blessing. Be thankful.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Married With Children.... And Aging Parents
My childhood would not exactly be considered normal. I was raised by my maternal great aunt and uncle. Everyone in their circle would easily be classified as 'seniors'. To say I grew up in a sheltered environment would be a slight understatement. There were times when the safety and shelter were dangerously compromised, but,,,I survived.
I also had a biological mother and father, and a step father and step mother. Yes,,I know.
I was in the presence of sickness and death for most of my life. I was taught the importance of family members supporting and caring for each other. I knew that I was loved, and I also knew that I would one day be responsible for the care of my parents. It would not be a sacrifice, simply a chapter in my life story.
Growing up surrounded by your elders forces you to grow up quickly. Their generation did not believe in any 'foolishness', but they did believe in the need to teach a child how to survive in this world. I did not learn how to easily laugh, but I could take care of a household by the age of twelve.
Daddy died from unexpected complications from prostate surgery. I was not prepared for the death of the big, strong, yet gentle man who made me feel safe. He was the daddy who carried me into the house when I pretended to be asleep after a road trip. I well remember my childhood worries regarding the safety of my daddy. Growing up during the 50"s made my fears reality.
I barely made it to the hospital in time to tell him that I loved him; something I was afraid I had never done. He managed to slightly smile and whisper the words " I know you do baby. And I love you."
I once again told Momma that whenever she felt that living alone was too difficult, to please let me know. I understood how important her home and independence was to her, so I wanted her to be comfortable with the decision. Over the next several years, she would be sick enough for me to spend a couple of weeks with her, or I would bring her home with me until she got well enough to go back home.
My marriage did not end on a good note, but the person I was married to was a blessing regarding the changes in our lives when I finally brought Momma to live with us. Even as young as we were when we got married, we had discussed the inevitability of providing for my parents care, down to the house we purchased for our family.
To say that the next few years were challenging would be a huge understatement. I had a 9 year old daughter, 14 year old son, a very needy husband, and a 90 year old mother. Honestly, I was so busy during those years, it is almost a blur.
The greatest challenge was attempting to make my mother understand that she was now at home and not a guest. We made changes in the home to make everyone as comfortable as possible. I completely understood how painful it was to leave her home.
I included her in everything the family participated in. She would often attend my son's high school football games. It took her a while to accept that he was not going to get hurt. She spent way too much time telling my daughter scary stories,,,true stories?? that had frightened me to death as a child.
She kept me busy, made me look at Jim Baker, made me laugh, and quite often hurt my feelings. She also gave my children an opportunity to experience the day to day life of an elderly person who happened to be their Gran.
It is by no means easy to care for the person who cared for you. But that fact alone should make it easier.
Always safeguard their dignity. It is not easy to allow someone else to give you a bath.
Take time to revisit their past; it is important to them. Imagine how difficult it is to outlive most if not all of your close family and friends.
Never allow yourself to think of their care as a sacrificial act. They are old; they are not stupid.
Have candid discussions with your spouse regarding both of your parents before the need arises.
Teach your children that growing old is not something to be feared and shunned.
Welcome your elders into your world.
Give them the love and care they provided for you.
They deserve nothing less.
I also had a biological mother and father, and a step father and step mother. Yes,,I know.
I was in the presence of sickness and death for most of my life. I was taught the importance of family members supporting and caring for each other. I knew that I was loved, and I also knew that I would one day be responsible for the care of my parents. It would not be a sacrifice, simply a chapter in my life story.
Growing up surrounded by your elders forces you to grow up quickly. Their generation did not believe in any 'foolishness', but they did believe in the need to teach a child how to survive in this world. I did not learn how to easily laugh, but I could take care of a household by the age of twelve.
Daddy died from unexpected complications from prostate surgery. I was not prepared for the death of the big, strong, yet gentle man who made me feel safe. He was the daddy who carried me into the house when I pretended to be asleep after a road trip. I well remember my childhood worries regarding the safety of my daddy. Growing up during the 50"s made my fears reality.
I barely made it to the hospital in time to tell him that I loved him; something I was afraid I had never done. He managed to slightly smile and whisper the words " I know you do baby. And I love you."
I once again told Momma that whenever she felt that living alone was too difficult, to please let me know. I understood how important her home and independence was to her, so I wanted her to be comfortable with the decision. Over the next several years, she would be sick enough for me to spend a couple of weeks with her, or I would bring her home with me until she got well enough to go back home.
My marriage did not end on a good note, but the person I was married to was a blessing regarding the changes in our lives when I finally brought Momma to live with us. Even as young as we were when we got married, we had discussed the inevitability of providing for my parents care, down to the house we purchased for our family.
To say that the next few years were challenging would be a huge understatement. I had a 9 year old daughter, 14 year old son, a very needy husband, and a 90 year old mother. Honestly, I was so busy during those years, it is almost a blur.
The greatest challenge was attempting to make my mother understand that she was now at home and not a guest. We made changes in the home to make everyone as comfortable as possible. I completely understood how painful it was to leave her home.
I included her in everything the family participated in. She would often attend my son's high school football games. It took her a while to accept that he was not going to get hurt. She spent way too much time telling my daughter scary stories,,,true stories?? that had frightened me to death as a child.
She kept me busy, made me look at Jim Baker, made me laugh, and quite often hurt my feelings. She also gave my children an opportunity to experience the day to day life of an elderly person who happened to be their Gran.
It is by no means easy to care for the person who cared for you. But that fact alone should make it easier.
Always safeguard their dignity. It is not easy to allow someone else to give you a bath.
Take time to revisit their past; it is important to them. Imagine how difficult it is to outlive most if not all of your close family and friends.
Never allow yourself to think of their care as a sacrificial act. They are old; they are not stupid.
Have candid discussions with your spouse regarding both of your parents before the need arises.
Teach your children that growing old is not something to be feared and shunned.
Welcome your elders into your world.
Give them the love and care they provided for you.
They deserve nothing less.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Final Thoughts on Living With Chronic Illness
In my culture, there is quite often a shroud of secrecy surrounding illness of any kind. This overall attitude will likely manifest into a sense of shame for the person who is ill. I strongly suspect this mindset was forged during slavery when a sick slave was viewed as worthless, even for the purpose of breeding.
.
I personally refuse to be ashamed of something out of my control. Sure, we all have lifestyles and habits that could be better, but ultimately, the final decision regarding life and death is not ours to make. People who have never smoked a cigarette in their life often die from lung cancer. People who eat healthy and actually do run five miles a day die from heart attacks. My point is that not one person has the right to judge the life choices of another person. Most people are intelligent enough to know if they are faced with the consequence of a choice they made. I have found that these people accept their fate without complaints and move on with their lives.
I have met women who refused to take their medication because they would cause immediate weight gain. I have also met women who refused to tell their friends about her condition because her friends were all " so glowingly healthy, they would never understand!".
If you have someone in your life who is usually intolerant of those less fortunate or those who appear to be weaker in some way,,,they could frankly have a basic lack of compassion for anyone; including you. Why exactly are they a part of your life??
When you are faced with the everyday challenges of a chronic illness and all of the baggage that tags along for the journey, everyday is NOT a pom pom day. There will be days when you need a stiff drink and a box of tissue. A wise friend once told me to have a 15 minute pity party, and then send the guests that I had invited on their not so merry way. I would wipe my tears away and prepare to move on to face another day. For me, that was/is quickly getting on my knees and seeking God's amazing comfort.
I have many days when I am tired of being tired; but I have retired my' pity party hostess outfit '.
Life is,,, quite simply,,, what it is.
We must remove the cloak of shame associated with illness,,it is a sad and dangerous fallacy.
We must do a better job of documenting and providing accurate medical history for our future generations, without any shame,,,they deserve nothing less.
.
I personally refuse to be ashamed of something out of my control. Sure, we all have lifestyles and habits that could be better, but ultimately, the final decision regarding life and death is not ours to make. People who have never smoked a cigarette in their life often die from lung cancer. People who eat healthy and actually do run five miles a day die from heart attacks. My point is that not one person has the right to judge the life choices of another person. Most people are intelligent enough to know if they are faced with the consequence of a choice they made. I have found that these people accept their fate without complaints and move on with their lives.
I have met women who refused to take their medication because they would cause immediate weight gain. I have also met women who refused to tell their friends about her condition because her friends were all " so glowingly healthy, they would never understand!".
If you have someone in your life who is usually intolerant of those less fortunate or those who appear to be weaker in some way,,,they could frankly have a basic lack of compassion for anyone; including you. Why exactly are they a part of your life??
When you are faced with the everyday challenges of a chronic illness and all of the baggage that tags along for the journey, everyday is NOT a pom pom day. There will be days when you need a stiff drink and a box of tissue. A wise friend once told me to have a 15 minute pity party, and then send the guests that I had invited on their not so merry way. I would wipe my tears away and prepare to move on to face another day. For me, that was/is quickly getting on my knees and seeking God's amazing comfort.
I have many days when I am tired of being tired; but I have retired my' pity party hostess outfit '.
Life is,,, quite simply,,, what it is.
We must remove the cloak of shame associated with illness,,it is a sad and dangerous fallacy.
We must do a better job of documenting and providing accurate medical history for our future generations, without any shame,,,they deserve nothing less.
Can Your Relationship or Marriage Pass the Test of 'In Sickness and In Health' ?...My Perspective
When a couple takes traditional wedding vows, there is probably more thought given to the " for richer or poorer" phrase than " in sickness and in health". Personal vows often omit any words that are not positive and romantic.
If a marriage lasts long enough, they are likely to be faced with challenges regarding both finances and health.
How many couples take the time to actually discuss the many possibilities that could threaten their marriage. The word threaten sounds harsh doesn't it? Realistically, money and the illness of a spouse can dismantle the core of a marriage.
I will attempt to provide you with insight from the perspective of the person who is ill, and the messages often given by the spouse.
Living With a Chronic Illness
The word chronic simply means that your condition is now a part of your life. This fact alone is something that will take time to accept. You will never know what look crossed your face when your doctor said the word "positive"; but you will never forget the feeling that almost takes your breath away.
Fifteen years ago, I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus. I had a working knowledge about the condition, and I was not exactly crushed by the news. So much drama was going on in my life, my illness had to take a number. What I did not immediately realize is that the ongoing drama would worsen my condition.
After speaking with many women over the years, I have found that the emotional stages I went through were normal, no matter what the name of your condition happens to be. I chose to accept my lupus, as just that,,,my lupus. My body, in an attempt to help me, was causing me extreme fatigue and joint pain. I also fully understood how much worse my life could be.
Therefore, I never forget to thank God for my health,,,as it is.
Anytime you lose something of value, there is a period of grief. Yes, I grieved for the health that I thought I had. Except for asthma as a child, and the resulting allergies as an adult, I had always been very healthy. While attempting to find the correct diagnosis( for the lupus), I also had my gallbladder removed. My body was going through a storm of stress.
There is also a period of strong guilt. I chastised myself for not eating healthier or perhaps exercising more. I was married to someone who seriously believed that if a person would only run five miles a day, they would be a healthy person. Yes, I briefly asked myself if maybe I should have listened.
When you have a condition that is not the norm, and is not always visible, there will always be people who will doubt whether you are actually ill. Having to explain over and over to incompetent HR staff and ignorant family and friends can be extremely frustrating.
* It is highly offensive to compare the experiences of one ill person with that of another
Both the professional and the family member should educate themselves well enough to address the issue intelligently,,,or say nothing at all.
The fear of becoming a burden is always patiently waiting in the back of your mind. The need to spare your loved ones the possible responsibility of your care is a stark reality.
A reality for which you have no control.
Although thankfully not my experience, some people will become bitter and angry as a result of their illness, This is very sad for both the person who is ill, and their family.
Pray for acceptance and understanding.
.
I ended up reaching out to God during this time in my life. He literally saved my life. I have learned to live one day at a time, filled with gratitude and a sense of purpose.
My condition is simply a part of my life story.
Living With A Spouse Who Is Ill
Sadly, it is more likely for a woman to stay with and care for her husband who is ill than it is for a man to stay and care for his wife. My doctor first mentioned this fact during a discussion about the elusiveness of lupus. The fact that you can feel horrible in the morning and fine by the afternoon can be difficult for a doubting man to understand. I have since learned that men often run away from illness in general. It has been said that men lack basic nurturing skills.
I do not accept this as an excuse; there simply is no excuse.
I must take the time to say that there are many men who would never imagine leaving their wife during or after a time of illness. They are blessings to their families.
I also know women who have gone back to a marriage after long separations and divorce to care for an ex-husband. These women are priceless.
Learn as much about your loved one's condition as you can.
Have candid conversations with the doctor.
Be sincere; your spouse will know if you are not. They do not need or want your sympathy; they need you to be compassionate and genuine.
Use your connection as the spouse to read the signals that are always visible to some degree.
If her/his best friend can see when she/he is not feeling well; so should you.
Listen to your spouse.
Be patient.
Stay deep in prayer because God will always be the source of your strength.
Your wedding vows are an oath that you CHOSE to take.
Think about it,,,,would you want your spouse to leave you when you needed them the most??
If a marriage lasts long enough, they are likely to be faced with challenges regarding both finances and health.
How many couples take the time to actually discuss the many possibilities that could threaten their marriage. The word threaten sounds harsh doesn't it? Realistically, money and the illness of a spouse can dismantle the core of a marriage.
I will attempt to provide you with insight from the perspective of the person who is ill, and the messages often given by the spouse.
Living With a Chronic Illness
The word chronic simply means that your condition is now a part of your life. This fact alone is something that will take time to accept. You will never know what look crossed your face when your doctor said the word "positive"; but you will never forget the feeling that almost takes your breath away.
Fifteen years ago, I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus. I had a working knowledge about the condition, and I was not exactly crushed by the news. So much drama was going on in my life, my illness had to take a number. What I did not immediately realize is that the ongoing drama would worsen my condition.
After speaking with many women over the years, I have found that the emotional stages I went through were normal, no matter what the name of your condition happens to be. I chose to accept my lupus, as just that,,,my lupus. My body, in an attempt to help me, was causing me extreme fatigue and joint pain. I also fully understood how much worse my life could be.
Therefore, I never forget to thank God for my health,,,as it is.
Anytime you lose something of value, there is a period of grief. Yes, I grieved for the health that I thought I had. Except for asthma as a child, and the resulting allergies as an adult, I had always been very healthy. While attempting to find the correct diagnosis( for the lupus), I also had my gallbladder removed. My body was going through a storm of stress.
There is also a period of strong guilt. I chastised myself for not eating healthier or perhaps exercising more. I was married to someone who seriously believed that if a person would only run five miles a day, they would be a healthy person. Yes, I briefly asked myself if maybe I should have listened.
When you have a condition that is not the norm, and is not always visible, there will always be people who will doubt whether you are actually ill. Having to explain over and over to incompetent HR staff and ignorant family and friends can be extremely frustrating.
* It is highly offensive to compare the experiences of one ill person with that of another
Both the professional and the family member should educate themselves well enough to address the issue intelligently,,,or say nothing at all.
The fear of becoming a burden is always patiently waiting in the back of your mind. The need to spare your loved ones the possible responsibility of your care is a stark reality.
A reality for which you have no control.
Although thankfully not my experience, some people will become bitter and angry as a result of their illness, This is very sad for both the person who is ill, and their family.
Pray for acceptance and understanding.
.
I ended up reaching out to God during this time in my life. He literally saved my life. I have learned to live one day at a time, filled with gratitude and a sense of purpose.
My condition is simply a part of my life story.
Living With A Spouse Who Is Ill
Sadly, it is more likely for a woman to stay with and care for her husband who is ill than it is for a man to stay and care for his wife. My doctor first mentioned this fact during a discussion about the elusiveness of lupus. The fact that you can feel horrible in the morning and fine by the afternoon can be difficult for a doubting man to understand. I have since learned that men often run away from illness in general. It has been said that men lack basic nurturing skills.
I do not accept this as an excuse; there simply is no excuse.
I must take the time to say that there are many men who would never imagine leaving their wife during or after a time of illness. They are blessings to their families.
I also know women who have gone back to a marriage after long separations and divorce to care for an ex-husband. These women are priceless.
Learn as much about your loved one's condition as you can.
Have candid conversations with the doctor.
Be sincere; your spouse will know if you are not. They do not need or want your sympathy; they need you to be compassionate and genuine.
Use your connection as the spouse to read the signals that are always visible to some degree.
If her/his best friend can see when she/he is not feeling well; so should you.
Listen to your spouse.
Be patient.
Stay deep in prayer because God will always be the source of your strength.
Your wedding vows are an oath that you CHOSE to take.
Think about it,,,,would you want your spouse to leave you when you needed them the most??
Friday, September 14, 2012
Fortify Your Relationship Or Marriage With Basic Concepts Part 3: A Woman's Perspective
When a couple decide to get married, they at some point will declare their intentions by verbally
exchanging vows. This is true whether they elope or share these moments before a select group of family and friends.
Why do so many people seem to feel it is no longer necessary to regularly declare their love for the person they love?
Now, we will look at Part 3 of the 'AAA' Concept.
ARTICULATE: 1. Expressing oneself easily in clear and effective language.
2. Give words to.
Husbands and Boyfriends
If you love your wife or woman, tell her.
Do not make the assumption that because you go to work everyday to provide for your family, that she is secure in your love. Providing for your family to the best of your ability is your job.
Before you start your day,,,,tell her that you love her.
Often, women are their most beautiful when they are simply,,,,being themselves. Perhaps they have pulled their hair back in a ponytail, or is curled up in your favorite chair reading a book. It might even be when she is not so gently reminding you of something that you know is for your own good. Does she have a look that shows a side of her personality that only you understand? Have you ever closely watched her as she is caring for your children? Or you??
Simply,,,,walk over to her, gently pull her into your arms and,,,,tell her that she is beautiful. If she is surprised, you need to do it more often. She should be comfortable and accustomed to being nestled into your arms,,,,just because!
If you find your wife to be sexy,,,,,tell her!
If a woman knows that her husband is turned on by her body, it will be easier and more compelling for her to focus on keeping her body fit and healthy.
* Yes, it really is easier for men than it is for women to stay fit..
Even confident women need to know that their husband or man finds them attractive. Honestly, it is her husband's opinion that is most important.
If a man is aware that his wife has low self esteem, it is now his responsibility to assure her of his genuine acceptance,,and attraction to her. This is not always easy, but changing her view of herself will enhance the lives of both of you.
* It is a huge mistake for men to neglect to compliment their wives. This is especially true when the same men are quick to make negative comments regarding her appearance.
* Complimenting your wife only when sex is the objective could eventually prove to be a very bad decision,,,for both of you. Your wife will feel that your 'programmed' compliments are insincere. You will possibly have fewer equally satisfying sexual experiences. Food for thought.
Stay visually connected to your wife or woman. If she changes her hairstyle, and you like it,,,,tell her.
If you do not like something, your words should be chosen carefully.
Married and committed couples are often guilty of speaking to each other in a manner that is 'tactless' and rude....at best. This is basically,,,unacceptable.
If you love your wife,,tell her.
She needs to hear you say the words.
Wives and Girlfriends
If you wake up in the morning feeling blessed to have the man beside you in your life, wake him up and tell him. It is unlikely that even the grumpiest of 'not morning' people would not be touched by such a greeting. Simple? Yes, but a great way to start the day.
Even if you and your spouse are not exactly 'best friends' at the moment because of something that there is no time to address before he leaves the house,,,tell him that you love him.
If possible, try not to allow him to begin his day away from you without having heard you,,,say the words.
* We can all agree that men are visually stimulated humans. Make a point to keep a fresh verbal imprint of yourself inside his head at all times. From your mouth,,,to his ears,,,,to his head,,,to his heart.
Perhaps,,,,,this will help him to stay focused on your voice when attractive women cross his path
.
If your husband is handsome and sexy,,,,,tell him
Men also need to hear you say the words.
SUMMARY
Genuine love between a couple is a gift from God. The person that you love deserves to be appreciated for all that is given from their hearts. Making the effort to know who that person is allows you to affirm their worth to you. It is important to articulate your feelings by simply,,,,,saying the words. Your words will be forever spoken...
exchanging vows. This is true whether they elope or share these moments before a select group of family and friends.
Why do so many people seem to feel it is no longer necessary to regularly declare their love for the person they love?
Now, we will look at Part 3 of the 'AAA' Concept.
ARTICULATE: 1. Expressing oneself easily in clear and effective language.
2. Give words to.
Husbands and Boyfriends
If you love your wife or woman, tell her.
Do not make the assumption that because you go to work everyday to provide for your family, that she is secure in your love. Providing for your family to the best of your ability is your job.
Before you start your day,,,,tell her that you love her.
Often, women are their most beautiful when they are simply,,,,being themselves. Perhaps they have pulled their hair back in a ponytail, or is curled up in your favorite chair reading a book. It might even be when she is not so gently reminding you of something that you know is for your own good. Does she have a look that shows a side of her personality that only you understand? Have you ever closely watched her as she is caring for your children? Or you??
Simply,,,,walk over to her, gently pull her into your arms and,,,,tell her that she is beautiful. If she is surprised, you need to do it more often. She should be comfortable and accustomed to being nestled into your arms,,,,just because!
If you find your wife to be sexy,,,,,tell her!
If a woman knows that her husband is turned on by her body, it will be easier and more compelling for her to focus on keeping her body fit and healthy.
* Yes, it really is easier for men than it is for women to stay fit..
Even confident women need to know that their husband or man finds them attractive. Honestly, it is her husband's opinion that is most important.
If a man is aware that his wife has low self esteem, it is now his responsibility to assure her of his genuine acceptance,,and attraction to her. This is not always easy, but changing her view of herself will enhance the lives of both of you.
* It is a huge mistake for men to neglect to compliment their wives. This is especially true when the same men are quick to make negative comments regarding her appearance.
* Complimenting your wife only when sex is the objective could eventually prove to be a very bad decision,,,for both of you. Your wife will feel that your 'programmed' compliments are insincere. You will possibly have fewer equally satisfying sexual experiences. Food for thought.
Stay visually connected to your wife or woman. If she changes her hairstyle, and you like it,,,,tell her.
If you do not like something, your words should be chosen carefully.
Married and committed couples are often guilty of speaking to each other in a manner that is 'tactless' and rude....at best. This is basically,,,unacceptable.
If you love your wife,,tell her.
She needs to hear you say the words.
Wives and Girlfriends
If you wake up in the morning feeling blessed to have the man beside you in your life, wake him up and tell him. It is unlikely that even the grumpiest of 'not morning' people would not be touched by such a greeting. Simple? Yes, but a great way to start the day.
Even if you and your spouse are not exactly 'best friends' at the moment because of something that there is no time to address before he leaves the house,,,tell him that you love him.
If possible, try not to allow him to begin his day away from you without having heard you,,,say the words.
* We can all agree that men are visually stimulated humans. Make a point to keep a fresh verbal imprint of yourself inside his head at all times. From your mouth,,,to his ears,,,,to his head,,,to his heart.
Perhaps,,,,,this will help him to stay focused on your voice when attractive women cross his path
.
If your husband is handsome and sexy,,,,,tell him
Men also need to hear you say the words.
SUMMARY
Genuine love between a couple is a gift from God. The person that you love deserves to be appreciated for all that is given from their hearts. Making the effort to know who that person is allows you to affirm their worth to you. It is important to articulate your feelings by simply,,,,,saying the words. Your words will be forever spoken...
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Fortify Your Relationship Or Marriage With Basic Concepts Part 2: A Woman's Perspective
When a couple is falling in love, everything is seen through rose colored glasses. They can appreciate even the most annoying habits of their object of affection. As time passes, the vision of the couple will become so cloudy, they will often fail to see even the smallest example of why they fell in love. The reasons have not changed, but life has managed to distort the view.
So, what is next?
We will now move on to the second part of the 'AAA' Concept.
APPRECIATE: 1. Recognize the full worth of.
2. Be grateful for.
As humans, we forget to be thankful of God's many blessings because we take them for granted. It is certainly no surprise that we fall so short on appreciating those we see everyday.
When you recognize the full worth of a person,,,to you,,,the very least we should do is to be grateful they are sharing our lives.
Some of the examples I will mention are not generally done in today's society. However, just because they are not done, does not mean they have no merit..
Husbands and Boyfriends
Keep your wife's car cleaned, maintained, and filled with gas. Simple?? Yes, but these thoughtful gestures are basic examples of a man taking care of his woman.
Pick her up from work and take her on a weekend trip. If you are afraid to pack for her, plan on a joint shopping trip to purchase an inexpensive but fun outfit you both like.
Women make a point to know the likes and dislikes of their husbands. They know what moves them and what does not.
Take the time to really know your wife or woman. Pay attention!
If your wife has mentioned a play or movie she would like to see and you hate plays, purchase tickets for she and her best friend.
If money has been tight and she loves to read, save a few dollars at a time and buy her a gift card from her favorite book store.
For most mature women, it is the thought that goes into a gesture or gift that makes it meaningful; not the cost.
If your wife patiently listens to the highs and lows regarding your job, you should not make the mistake of thinking she has to do so, because she is your wife. Many wives are simply not interested.
Do you honestly understand how blessed you are to have a wife who handles all or even the majority of the day to day responsibilities of taking care of your family?
Some of which include: preparing meals, cleaning the house, making sure that everyone has clean clothes to wear, making the available household funds stretch as far as possible,,, and take on the major role of raising the children..such as: homework, school meetings/open house/ teacher conferences, field trips, transporting children to various lessons/functions, medical appointments, hair appointments, etiquette /good manners, proper hygiene, potty training,,,you get my point.
* If both of you work outside the home, and the responsibilities are rightfully split, it is imperative that you come to a sensible agreement regarding the roles of each person, before there is a problem. If someone suffers from occasional 'selective memory syndrome' do not hesitate to go back to the conference table for further discussion.
Take a moment to think about your life without her.
Being grateful is both painless and free.
It is not necessary to give brownie points to a wife for being a wife, or a mother being a mother. For the most part, that is what we chose to do when we decided to build a family.
A woman needs to KNOW that she is genuinely appreciated for all that she does for her family. This is essential in her ability to go on and on...
Wives and Girlfriends
If you and your husband are secure in his role as head of household, and he does his best to fulfill that role, show your appreciation by being his safe haven. You are his place of rest and refuel.
Life has way a of shifting the roles of even the strongest of families. As women, we have the ability to support and nurture our husbands as effectively as we do our children. It is simply what we do.
Appreciate your husband enough to seek God's guidance,,,for him,,,as he faces the challenges of being the best man that he can be.
BASIC and SIMPLE?? YES..
So, what is next?
We will now move on to the second part of the 'AAA' Concept.
APPRECIATE: 1. Recognize the full worth of.
2. Be grateful for.
As humans, we forget to be thankful of God's many blessings because we take them for granted. It is certainly no surprise that we fall so short on appreciating those we see everyday.
When you recognize the full worth of a person,,,to you,,,the very least we should do is to be grateful they are sharing our lives.
Some of the examples I will mention are not generally done in today's society. However, just because they are not done, does not mean they have no merit..
Husbands and Boyfriends
Keep your wife's car cleaned, maintained, and filled with gas. Simple?? Yes, but these thoughtful gestures are basic examples of a man taking care of his woman.
Pick her up from work and take her on a weekend trip. If you are afraid to pack for her, plan on a joint shopping trip to purchase an inexpensive but fun outfit you both like.
Women make a point to know the likes and dislikes of their husbands. They know what moves them and what does not.
Take the time to really know your wife or woman. Pay attention!
If your wife has mentioned a play or movie she would like to see and you hate plays, purchase tickets for she and her best friend.
If money has been tight and she loves to read, save a few dollars at a time and buy her a gift card from her favorite book store.
For most mature women, it is the thought that goes into a gesture or gift that makes it meaningful; not the cost.
If your wife patiently listens to the highs and lows regarding your job, you should not make the mistake of thinking she has to do so, because she is your wife. Many wives are simply not interested.
Do you honestly understand how blessed you are to have a wife who handles all or even the majority of the day to day responsibilities of taking care of your family?
Some of which include: preparing meals, cleaning the house, making sure that everyone has clean clothes to wear, making the available household funds stretch as far as possible,,, and take on the major role of raising the children..such as: homework, school meetings/open house/ teacher conferences, field trips, transporting children to various lessons/functions, medical appointments, hair appointments, etiquette /good manners, proper hygiene, potty training,,,you get my point.
* If both of you work outside the home, and the responsibilities are rightfully split, it is imperative that you come to a sensible agreement regarding the roles of each person, before there is a problem. If someone suffers from occasional 'selective memory syndrome' do not hesitate to go back to the conference table for further discussion.
Take a moment to think about your life without her.
Being grateful is both painless and free.
It is not necessary to give brownie points to a wife for being a wife, or a mother being a mother. For the most part, that is what we chose to do when we decided to build a family.
A woman needs to KNOW that she is genuinely appreciated for all that she does for her family. This is essential in her ability to go on and on...
Wives and Girlfriends
If you and your husband are secure in his role as head of household, and he does his best to fulfill that role, show your appreciation by being his safe haven. You are his place of rest and refuel.
Life has way a of shifting the roles of even the strongest of families. As women, we have the ability to support and nurture our husbands as effectively as we do our children. It is simply what we do.
Appreciate your husband enough to seek God's guidance,,,for him,,,as he faces the challenges of being the best man that he can be.
BASIC and SIMPLE?? YES..
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Fortify Your Relationship Or Marriage With Basic Concepts Part 1: A Woman's Prospective
It has been proven time and time again, that people are so conditioned to believe that complexity is better, we often bypass the best solution because it appears too simple.
The challenges of sustaining a relationship between two unique individual personalities leaves little time to figure out long and complicated solutions to anything.
Start with the basics.
Allow me to introduce you to what I refer to as the 'AAA' Concept.
AFFIRM: 1. state as a fact; assert strongly and publicly
2. declare one's support for, uphold or defend
When a couple are in the process of falling in love, there are small ways of showing concern and support that leave firm imprints on the minds and hearts of both parties, throughout the relationship or marriage.
It is just as important to maintain that bond, yes,,it is a real bond,,,after the relationship has been established. Married couples fall into the trap of complacency. Both husband and wife can be guilty of failing to stay 'connected' with their spouse no matter where they are
.
Wives and Girlfriends
'
Gently touch your husband's cheek as you pass him talking on his phone. Whether he is talking to his mother, or talking noise about his fantasy football team to his friends; he will remember the touch. You are not asking him to drop the phone and take off your clothes (yet), but he needs to 'feel' your presence,,,whenever possible.
If he is serious sports fan, check with the professional teams in your area and take the short class for woman that is usually offered. It it is not local, but within driving distance, plan a 'girls weekend' trip. You might be surprised at how much you like it and he will brag to his friends about his wife's knowledge of the game.
This is popular now, but wives have been placing 'love' notes in pockets, wallets, and lunch boxes for many years. He is your husband, write him a note that will keep you on his mind at least half the day.
Listen to your heart and keep your instincts activated. This is important whether you have been married one year or twenty years. As women, we know what our insecurities might be and we deal with them.
Men need just as much affirmation as women do; unfortunately, they are often uncomfortable expressing their feelings.
Husbands and Boyfriends
Women need to know that the man they love believes in who they are. A woman needs to 'see' that you love her by how you touch her. A woman needs to know that her place as your wife or woman is firmly in place. Wives should not have to take a number to spend time with her husband.
If you are socializing with a group of people, always keep your relationship warm enough to be able to caress your wife with a look,,,from across the room.
Make a point to touch her neck, gently squeeze her shoulder....basically, the same types of gestures you made during the courtship. Yes, I did say courtship.
A courtship that should quite frankly, never end.
Be as creative now as you were when you were trying to seduce her. Yes,,,seduce her; not just have sex. * If you did not attempt to make love after too many drinks during the courtship; there was a good reason, whether you know what it was or not.
Alcohol 'sodden' sex is not at all sexy.
Women need to know that her man has her back. If someone in your circle of family and friends has a problem with your wife, it is your job to work that out, not her's. It might be a challenge, but it is certainly possible. If your wife(or husband) is wrong in some way; the two of you should work it out,,,in the privacy of your home.
It is important that husbands and wives always present themselves as a solid unit.
Affirm your relationship, your unity and your love.
The challenges of sustaining a relationship between two unique individual personalities leaves little time to figure out long and complicated solutions to anything.
Start with the basics.
Allow me to introduce you to what I refer to as the 'AAA' Concept.
AFFIRM: 1. state as a fact; assert strongly and publicly
2. declare one's support for, uphold or defend
When a couple are in the process of falling in love, there are small ways of showing concern and support that leave firm imprints on the minds and hearts of both parties, throughout the relationship or marriage.
It is just as important to maintain that bond, yes,,it is a real bond,,,after the relationship has been established. Married couples fall into the trap of complacency. Both husband and wife can be guilty of failing to stay 'connected' with their spouse no matter where they are
.
Wives and Girlfriends
'
Gently touch your husband's cheek as you pass him talking on his phone. Whether he is talking to his mother, or talking noise about his fantasy football team to his friends; he will remember the touch. You are not asking him to drop the phone and take off your clothes (yet), but he needs to 'feel' your presence,,,whenever possible.
If he is serious sports fan, check with the professional teams in your area and take the short class for woman that is usually offered. It it is not local, but within driving distance, plan a 'girls weekend' trip. You might be surprised at how much you like it and he will brag to his friends about his wife's knowledge of the game.
This is popular now, but wives have been placing 'love' notes in pockets, wallets, and lunch boxes for many years. He is your husband, write him a note that will keep you on his mind at least half the day.
Listen to your heart and keep your instincts activated. This is important whether you have been married one year or twenty years. As women, we know what our insecurities might be and we deal with them.
Men need just as much affirmation as women do; unfortunately, they are often uncomfortable expressing their feelings.
Husbands and Boyfriends
Women need to know that the man they love believes in who they are. A woman needs to 'see' that you love her by how you touch her. A woman needs to know that her place as your wife or woman is firmly in place. Wives should not have to take a number to spend time with her husband.
If you are socializing with a group of people, always keep your relationship warm enough to be able to caress your wife with a look,,,from across the room.
Make a point to touch her neck, gently squeeze her shoulder....basically, the same types of gestures you made during the courtship. Yes, I did say courtship.
A courtship that should quite frankly, never end.
Be as creative now as you were when you were trying to seduce her. Yes,,,seduce her; not just have sex. * If you did not attempt to make love after too many drinks during the courtship; there was a good reason, whether you know what it was or not.
Alcohol 'sodden' sex is not at all sexy.
Women need to know that her man has her back. If someone in your circle of family and friends has a problem with your wife, it is your job to work that out, not her's. It might be a challenge, but it is certainly possible. If your wife(or husband) is wrong in some way; the two of you should work it out,,,in the privacy of your home.
It is important that husbands and wives always present themselves as a solid unit.
Affirm your relationship, your unity and your love.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
How Many Pedophiles Will Be Attending Your Family Reunion?
Most children are sexually abused by someone who is a part of their inner circle. A circle that includes family and close family 'friends'. A circle of people whose purpose is, at the very least,,,to protect the well being of the child. Sadly, the probability of someone from this group sexually abusing that child is extremely high. The possibility of the pedophile being an actual family member makes that possibility even more frightening.
Family gatherings provide the pedophile with an opportunity to freely observe the children. He will likely focus on the child who spends most of their time alone. Perhaps they will be quitely reading a book, or simply watching the other children play. The pedophile will also be interested in a child who wants to be center of attention. This child will not be asked to participate with group play, but might use her 'imagination' to secure acceptance. She will probably have a solid history of not always telling the truth. Two completely different forms of behavior, but obvious examples of children who lack confidence a sense of worth.
The pedophile is a dangerous stalker.
The children are no longer 'family' ,,,they have become potential prey.
Depending on the source, pedophiles are people who suffer from a mental condition, or dangerous criminals who are sexually attracted to children. Should it really matter??
Research has also shown that fifty percent (50%) of pedophiles who abuse others, also abuse their own children.
Over thirty years ago, I was sitting with a group of women who happened to find themselves at the same function. We knew very little about each other, but our conversation flowed comfortably. I have no idea how the subject came up, but I suspect we were discussing a recent news story. To my surprise, we were soon discussing the fact each one of the nine women present had been a victim of sexual abuse in some form as a child. Each abuser had been a close family member or close family friend. The woman were from different backgrounds and different parts of the country. We were able to share our feelings without going into the degrading details. We did take the time to discuss the abusers. They consisted of brothers, uncles, cousins, neighbors, church members (leaders), and neighbors. There were no strangers on the list. I have never seen these women again, but we all left with a feeling of kinship and deep understanding.
Some people feel that by the time a child reaches adulthood, she could/should have 'gotten over' the effects of the abuse. With God's help, you can certainly have a full, healthy productive life, but think of how better her life might have been without those memories..
A child,,any child,,,is a special gift that should be protected at all times. A child's family should be an extension of the love and security of the child's parents. A child's trust, confidence and sense of worth should come from these people who make up her personal world.
When someone a child trusts abuses them in any form, it instantly and painfully removes their feelings of security.
Even children under the age of ten, will know when someone is asking or forcing them to participate?? in something that is ,,,wrong. They don't understand why, but they KNOW it is wrong.
Even if the child is not initially touched,,,,their childhood innocence has been stolen forever.
For older children, not being able to stop the abuse allows the pedophile to plant a seed of guilt, and shame that he will strongly encourage; even after the initial abuse.
The child may seriously question their actual existence well into adulthood.
The pedophile will use this fear as a form of control.
They may threaten the safety of the child and her/his family
.
The pedophile will convince the child that if she tells anyone, her parents will come and hurt him, and they will go to jail. Simple, but it usually works. The child will try to protect her/his family.
The pedophile will also try to convince the child that no one will ever believe her story.
What if the child does tell her parent?
How the parents respond will greatly affect the mindset of the child; now and in the future.
Most parents will comfort their child and attempt to say the right words(??) to help their child.
Consulting an expert is always best.
One of the mistakes that many parents make regarding pedophiles who are family members, is the fact that they make the decision to keep the abuse a secret.
If we are honest, most family members are well aware of 'the dirty old men' within their family. You know the ones I mean,,,,Uncle Buddy who always squeezes (everywhere) just a little too hard, or Uncle Joe who always manages to place his wet lips on a females lips instead of the offered cheek. And of course, there is Brother Maurice from church, who always prays over the food at the family reunion,,,,,and he loves for all the little kids (boys &girls) to snuggle on his lap. His daughter doesn't bring her kids around him often, but he simply loves all of the children.
Now these men are often joked about by some, while many others choose to remain quiet when their names are mentioned.
You see, the secret is really not a secret at all. There are enough women in the family who have had the same experience, so everyone knows.
The family pedophile (s) finds protection and their prey,,,within their family.
Why??
Is saving the family from shame worth generation after generation of children having to be in the presence of their abuser?
Is it worth these children being taught (shown?) that abuse is accepted behavior in her family, and her abuser will not be punished.?
Is it worth her believing that she must have deserved for him to abuse her? After all, her dress was almost too short,,,,,,right???
Build a relationship with your children that encourages them to feel comfortable talking to you about ANYONE and ANY TOPIC,,,AT ANY TIME.
Children deserve to be safe amongst the people they love and trust.
Parents must do everything possible to make that happen..
Family gatherings provide the pedophile with an opportunity to freely observe the children. He will likely focus on the child who spends most of their time alone. Perhaps they will be quitely reading a book, or simply watching the other children play. The pedophile will also be interested in a child who wants to be center of attention. This child will not be asked to participate with group play, but might use her 'imagination' to secure acceptance. She will probably have a solid history of not always telling the truth. Two completely different forms of behavior, but obvious examples of children who lack confidence a sense of worth.
The pedophile is a dangerous stalker.
The children are no longer 'family' ,,,they have become potential prey.
Depending on the source, pedophiles are people who suffer from a mental condition, or dangerous criminals who are sexually attracted to children. Should it really matter??
Research has also shown that fifty percent (50%) of pedophiles who abuse others, also abuse their own children.
Over thirty years ago, I was sitting with a group of women who happened to find themselves at the same function. We knew very little about each other, but our conversation flowed comfortably. I have no idea how the subject came up, but I suspect we were discussing a recent news story. To my surprise, we were soon discussing the fact each one of the nine women present had been a victim of sexual abuse in some form as a child. Each abuser had been a close family member or close family friend. The woman were from different backgrounds and different parts of the country. We were able to share our feelings without going into the degrading details. We did take the time to discuss the abusers. They consisted of brothers, uncles, cousins, neighbors, church members (leaders), and neighbors. There were no strangers on the list. I have never seen these women again, but we all left with a feeling of kinship and deep understanding.
Some people feel that by the time a child reaches adulthood, she could/should have 'gotten over' the effects of the abuse. With God's help, you can certainly have a full, healthy productive life, but think of how better her life might have been without those memories..
A child,,any child,,,is a special gift that should be protected at all times. A child's family should be an extension of the love and security of the child's parents. A child's trust, confidence and sense of worth should come from these people who make up her personal world.
When someone a child trusts abuses them in any form, it instantly and painfully removes their feelings of security.
Even children under the age of ten, will know when someone is asking or forcing them to participate?? in something that is ,,,wrong. They don't understand why, but they KNOW it is wrong.
Even if the child is not initially touched,,,,their childhood innocence has been stolen forever.
For older children, not being able to stop the abuse allows the pedophile to plant a seed of guilt, and shame that he will strongly encourage; even after the initial abuse.
The child may seriously question their actual existence well into adulthood.
The pedophile will use this fear as a form of control.
They may threaten the safety of the child and her/his family
.
The pedophile will convince the child that if she tells anyone, her parents will come and hurt him, and they will go to jail. Simple, but it usually works. The child will try to protect her/his family.
The pedophile will also try to convince the child that no one will ever believe her story.
What if the child does tell her parent?
How the parents respond will greatly affect the mindset of the child; now and in the future.
Most parents will comfort their child and attempt to say the right words(??) to help their child.
Consulting an expert is always best.
One of the mistakes that many parents make regarding pedophiles who are family members, is the fact that they make the decision to keep the abuse a secret.
If we are honest, most family members are well aware of 'the dirty old men' within their family. You know the ones I mean,,,,Uncle Buddy who always squeezes (everywhere) just a little too hard, or Uncle Joe who always manages to place his wet lips on a females lips instead of the offered cheek. And of course, there is Brother Maurice from church, who always prays over the food at the family reunion,,,,,and he loves for all the little kids (boys &girls) to snuggle on his lap. His daughter doesn't bring her kids around him often, but he simply loves all of the children.
Now these men are often joked about by some, while many others choose to remain quiet when their names are mentioned.
You see, the secret is really not a secret at all. There are enough women in the family who have had the same experience, so everyone knows.
The family pedophile (s) finds protection and their prey,,,within their family.
Why??
Is saving the family from shame worth generation after generation of children having to be in the presence of their abuser?
Is it worth these children being taught (shown?) that abuse is accepted behavior in her family, and her abuser will not be punished.?
Is it worth her believing that she must have deserved for him to abuse her? After all, her dress was almost too short,,,,,,right???
Build a relationship with your children that encourages them to feel comfortable talking to you about ANYONE and ANY TOPIC,,,AT ANY TIME.
Children deserve to be safe amongst the people they love and trust.
Parents must do everything possible to make that happen..
Friday, September 7, 2012
Can A Relationship or Marriage Survive Infidelity?
Building a viable relationship is hard work. Sustaining a marriage is even harder. I believe that the commitment of marriage solidifies the union by making it a legal, signed and documented binding agreement that is more difficult to simply walk away when things go wrong.This is especially important when marriages are faced with some of the more serious realities of life.
The core of a marriage is based on love, respect, honor and trust. When a marriage is faced with infidelity, the trust, honor and respect are often mortally damaged. The only emotion left is a seriously weakened love that is simply not strong enough to hold the marriage together indefinitely. Think of it as a cylinder and love is in the middle. Respect, honor and trust come together in a circle of security and support. Without the bracing of the sides, the love is left weak and defenseless.
Does this mean the marriage is over? No.
I have witnessed many women refuse to give up on their marriages. Some women feel their emotional and/or financial 'investment' is too high to simply walk away.. they are likely to stay.
Other women will allow their pride to rule their hearts, or they will listen to family and friends who don't necessarily have their best interest in mind... they will often leave.
A true friend will understand this is a decision the woman must make on her own...it is her life.
The discovery of the affair and the offending party's response will be a fair indication of his mindset. When faced with proof of his actions, and he does not hesitate to show genuine (?) remorse; he probably means it.
.
If he is smug and arrogant; accept the fact that these attitudes are difficult to fake.
Arrogance is not a facade.
If there is no proof, he will possibly just deny the allegations. Honestly, the integrity of a marriage is too important to risk damaging, based on suspicion alone. A mentally healthy woman can generally trust her instincts regarding those she loves. I say generally only to be fair. I have personally never seen them fail
.
When two people stand before God and make a promise, to love, honor, and cherish each other for life, why do we so often fail to make God the keeper of our marriage??
* No matter how much love there is, or how long the marriage has lasted, without God placed 'FIRST' in the marriage, the union will simply not be strong enough to battle the emotional storms of life.
Keep your marriage in God's hands at all times.
It is never too late to seek God's help and guidance regarding anything. If it is God's will, it will happen. But again, there is work involved. Sometimes, God allows events to happen that will get our attention, and bring us closer to Him. A woman praying for her marriage is focused and dedicated. She will grow in her faith no matter what the outcome of the marriage happens to be. She must be prepared to accept God's will; even if the season for the marriage has come to an end. God will always do what is best for us.
A person chooses to defiles their marriage because they are exercising their God given 'free will' to do so.
They must use that same' free will' in the desire to save their marriage.
It has always been and will always be about,,,a person's choice..
In order for respect and trust to be re-established, the couple must have a 'meeting of their minds'.
They both have to genuinely love each other enough to invest the time and effort needed to rebuild their marriage. God has blessed many people with the knowledge, experience, and compassion to help couples find their way back together.
Do not be afraid to seek the help of someone who will have an objective ear and voice.
Find someone who shares your system of belief.
Some couples have found that working with a married couple who are certified relationship/marriage counselors provides them with both the male and female perspective.
But,,it must be a joint effort. One person cannot, nor should they, do the work for both of them.
There must be truth and accountability.
There must be a genuine desire to grow together.
There must be forgiveness!.
There must be patience during the healing process.
True love is a priceless gift from God.
It is a treasure that should always be protected and respected..
It is not as fragile as one would expect, but it deserves to be handled with gentle care AND constant prayer.
YES, a marriage CAN survive infidelity,,,and with God's help, both you and your marriage will be stronger than before..
The core of a marriage is based on love, respect, honor and trust. When a marriage is faced with infidelity, the trust, honor and respect are often mortally damaged. The only emotion left is a seriously weakened love that is simply not strong enough to hold the marriage together indefinitely. Think of it as a cylinder and love is in the middle. Respect, honor and trust come together in a circle of security and support. Without the bracing of the sides, the love is left weak and defenseless.
Does this mean the marriage is over? No.
I have witnessed many women refuse to give up on their marriages. Some women feel their emotional and/or financial 'investment' is too high to simply walk away.. they are likely to stay.
Other women will allow their pride to rule their hearts, or they will listen to family and friends who don't necessarily have their best interest in mind... they will often leave.
A true friend will understand this is a decision the woman must make on her own...it is her life.
The discovery of the affair and the offending party's response will be a fair indication of his mindset. When faced with proof of his actions, and he does not hesitate to show genuine (?) remorse; he probably means it.
.
If he is smug and arrogant; accept the fact that these attitudes are difficult to fake.
Arrogance is not a facade.
If there is no proof, he will possibly just deny the allegations. Honestly, the integrity of a marriage is too important to risk damaging, based on suspicion alone. A mentally healthy woman can generally trust her instincts regarding those she loves. I say generally only to be fair. I have personally never seen them fail
.
When two people stand before God and make a promise, to love, honor, and cherish each other for life, why do we so often fail to make God the keeper of our marriage??
* No matter how much love there is, or how long the marriage has lasted, without God placed 'FIRST' in the marriage, the union will simply not be strong enough to battle the emotional storms of life.
Keep your marriage in God's hands at all times.
It is never too late to seek God's help and guidance regarding anything. If it is God's will, it will happen. But again, there is work involved. Sometimes, God allows events to happen that will get our attention, and bring us closer to Him. A woman praying for her marriage is focused and dedicated. She will grow in her faith no matter what the outcome of the marriage happens to be. She must be prepared to accept God's will; even if the season for the marriage has come to an end. God will always do what is best for us.
A person chooses to defiles their marriage because they are exercising their God given 'free will' to do so.
They must use that same' free will' in the desire to save their marriage.
It has always been and will always be about,,,a person's choice..
In order for respect and trust to be re-established, the couple must have a 'meeting of their minds'.
They both have to genuinely love each other enough to invest the time and effort needed to rebuild their marriage. God has blessed many people with the knowledge, experience, and compassion to help couples find their way back together.
Do not be afraid to seek the help of someone who will have an objective ear and voice.
Find someone who shares your system of belief.
Some couples have found that working with a married couple who are certified relationship/marriage counselors provides them with both the male and female perspective.
But,,it must be a joint effort. One person cannot, nor should they, do the work for both of them.
There must be truth and accountability.
There must be a genuine desire to grow together.
There must be forgiveness!.
There must be patience during the healing process.
True love is a priceless gift from God.
It is a treasure that should always be protected and respected..
It is not as fragile as one would expect, but it deserves to be handled with gentle care AND constant prayer.
YES, a marriage CAN survive infidelity,,,and with God's help, both you and your marriage will be stronger than before..
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Mamas and Sons
Most women look forward to raising boys but tend to fear the experience of raising girls. Their mothers pray they will not be spared the drama that is guaranteed with their beautiful daughter(s).
Both my babies were planned, and I had the added blessing of their birth order being how I wanted them to be. I wanted a son first because I believed that every little girl deserves a loving big brother who will always protect her. Yes, I know,,,,my own baggage huh?
My children were fortunate to be raised in a two parent household by two people who were the best parents we knew how to be. I learned early on that a child needs to learn life lessons from both parents whenever possible. They can be defining factors in their life choices and often their survival.
Women have always been taught that how a man treats his mother will tell you how he will treat his woman (wife). That is only the tip of the iceberg..
A man's mother is the first woman who will ever love him; and the first woman he will ever love.
If a man ever loses respect and trust for his mother, it will be almost impossible for him to genuinely trust another woman. No matter how 'good' his wife happens to be, only God can heal his pain.
While his dad will (expected to) teach him the importance of being a responsible man in the leadership of his household and community, he will also teach his son how to love and respect his mother,,,,,,or not.
A wise son will recognize what was missing and adjust his mindset to not make the same mistakes.
Young women think of their man's mother as her mortal enemy. Sometimes her fears are warranted; but that makes life a nightmare for everyone involved. A mother should only be concerned about the happiness of her son. There simply is no competition or comparison. The emotional battle between a man's wife and his mother is painful, dangerous and ridiculous. God is perfectly clear regarding who comes first. People often forget that no parent wants to see their child,,,son or daughter,, in a relationship that will cause them pain, but ultimately the choice belongs to that child.
So how does a mother help prepare her son for life?
She will teach him the importance of seeking a personal relationship with God, because God is his salvation. Young men are more apt to question the entire foundation of religion before they fully understand the difference between religion and one's solid system of belief. Men will need to find a way to fit something they are unable to see, into their logical mindset. It really doesn't matter if their parents took them to church seven days a week as children, they will still seek answers for themselves. I personally believe that as potential heads of their households, they need to be able to know and understand not just their role but exactly what the will of God is and why they must try to stay within those boundaries. Once their research is done, they will find the peace they have been seeking. There is nothing more personal than a person's belief system.
A mother will teach her son not to be afraid of his feelings .If a man is afraid of his feelings, he will be afraid to share those feelings with any woman who enters his life. There will always be a part of him that is shut off, from himself, and everyone else.
A mother will teach her son the importance of an open mind,,,,to continue to learn and grow.
She will teach him not to be afraid to open his heart,,,,to love and be loved.
She will teach her son to always be a gentleman; it costs nothing, yet the rewards are many.
A mother will teach her son the difference between confidence and arrogance.
She will teach him to be respectful of the feelings of others, and to expect the same in return.
She will teach her son to treat the women in his life with the same regard as he would want a man to treat his daughter, his sister, or her.
Men do not grow up wanting to marry a woman just like their mother.
They seem to be quite content with their mother simply being their 'Mama'.
Both my babies were planned, and I had the added blessing of their birth order being how I wanted them to be. I wanted a son first because I believed that every little girl deserves a loving big brother who will always protect her. Yes, I know,,,,my own baggage huh?
My children were fortunate to be raised in a two parent household by two people who were the best parents we knew how to be. I learned early on that a child needs to learn life lessons from both parents whenever possible. They can be defining factors in their life choices and often their survival.
Women have always been taught that how a man treats his mother will tell you how he will treat his woman (wife). That is only the tip of the iceberg..
A man's mother is the first woman who will ever love him; and the first woman he will ever love.
If a man ever loses respect and trust for his mother, it will be almost impossible for him to genuinely trust another woman. No matter how 'good' his wife happens to be, only God can heal his pain.
While his dad will (expected to) teach him the importance of being a responsible man in the leadership of his household and community, he will also teach his son how to love and respect his mother,,,,,,or not.
A wise son will recognize what was missing and adjust his mindset to not make the same mistakes.
Young women think of their man's mother as her mortal enemy. Sometimes her fears are warranted; but that makes life a nightmare for everyone involved. A mother should only be concerned about the happiness of her son. There simply is no competition or comparison. The emotional battle between a man's wife and his mother is painful, dangerous and ridiculous. God is perfectly clear regarding who comes first. People often forget that no parent wants to see their child,,,son or daughter,, in a relationship that will cause them pain, but ultimately the choice belongs to that child.
So how does a mother help prepare her son for life?
She will teach him the importance of seeking a personal relationship with God, because God is his salvation. Young men are more apt to question the entire foundation of religion before they fully understand the difference between religion and one's solid system of belief. Men will need to find a way to fit something they are unable to see, into their logical mindset. It really doesn't matter if their parents took them to church seven days a week as children, they will still seek answers for themselves. I personally believe that as potential heads of their households, they need to be able to know and understand not just their role but exactly what the will of God is and why they must try to stay within those boundaries. Once their research is done, they will find the peace they have been seeking. There is nothing more personal than a person's belief system.
A mother will teach her son not to be afraid of his feelings .If a man is afraid of his feelings, he will be afraid to share those feelings with any woman who enters his life. There will always be a part of him that is shut off, from himself, and everyone else.
A mother will teach her son the importance of an open mind,,,,to continue to learn and grow.
She will teach him not to be afraid to open his heart,,,,to love and be loved.
She will teach her son to always be a gentleman; it costs nothing, yet the rewards are many.
A mother will teach her son the difference between confidence and arrogance.
She will teach him to be respectful of the feelings of others, and to expect the same in return.
She will teach her son to treat the women in his life with the same regard as he would want a man to treat his daughter, his sister, or her.
Men do not grow up wanting to marry a woman just like their mother.
They seem to be quite content with their mother simply being their 'Mama'.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
What Really Becomes of the Broken Hearted??/ A Woman's Perspective
For most women, a broken heart is included on her list of 'life changing' events. It is safe to say that 'betrayal' is the number one cause of a broken heart. When it comes to matters of the heart, a woman's emotions can stop her in her tracks. This is true when she falls in love and also when she is faced with the challenge of falling out of love; which is rarely mentioned in discussions about relationships.
.
The feelings resulting from being betrayed crosses all societal barriers. The feelings are 'human' ,basic, yet far from simple. I remember the pain being much like I would imagine a knife with a serrated blade being twisted inside your heart would feel. The twists become even more painful when there is disrespect and a blatant lack of even the slightest compassion for someone you once professed to love.
When a man seeks pleasure(?) outside of his marriage, society automatically assumes the wife is in some way deficient. This mindset and the fact that not one person within his circle of family and friends is likely to point out the wrongness of his behavior, allows men to justify their behavior to themselves. The only meaningful conviction would come from God; and they are not interested in anything God might have to say,,,,yet..
A woman will first secretly blame herself for the completely selfish decision of this man she still loves. I mean, if she were providing all that he needed, he would certainly not defile his marriage. Well, would he?? Of course he would. If a man is that unhappy with his life, his attitude and behavior will be unbearable; to put it mildly. And just who is the person who has to deal with his new role as martyr? So, it is a guaranteed fact that both the wife and the husband are both equally miserable. However, she tries to ignore the fact that she can do absolutely nothing to please him. Although she is hurt, frustrated and totally confused, being unfaithful would never be an option for her. It is simply not who she is
.
He is busy strengthening his justification by focusing on her many faults,,,real or imagined.
He can do that, right?
After all, he works hard to provide for his family, and he deserves to be happy.
Right??
Life is too short, and time waits for no one.
Right?
Why shouldn't he add another factor to the equation of his life??
A factor that makes him stand tall with his chest stuck out with pride?
I mean, everyone can plainly see that he is a good man!
Right??
Men cheat because they want to.
Men cheat because they can.
Men cheat because it is accepted by society without serious repercussions.
There is no shame, and very little guilt; if any.
Okay, now what about that broken heart?
Our stories begin with our birth. Our birth is also the beginning of our journey of life. Along the way, we will meet many on the path. Sometimes we will travel the roads together, loving and helping each other as we find our way. There are often roadblocks, temptations and detours that are simply too difficult to maneuver together.
What next?
The journey of life does not stop because someone else decided to venture down into a valley.
You have the choice to sit by the road and cradle your broken heart or you can seek the creator of your heart and ask Him to put it back together again.
God will first give you clarity regarding yourself. He will allow you to see your mistakes, and also show you all that is 'right' about,,you. Because you see, this is your journey, and yours alone. The person who broke your heart must find the way along his own journey and the paths of his choice.
God will also bless you with the ability to forgive.
Forgiving the person(s) who caused you grief is freedom that is hard to describe. Most people who hurt others care nothing about the forgiveness of the person they hurt because they,,simply don't care.
You will forgive him because of the peace it will bring to you.
* If God can forgive us; we can forgive him/her.
A prayer for someone who has brought you pain is a very powerful prayer.
We can all use the prayer of others because we must all reap the garden we have sown...
.
As God heals your heart, you will gently fall out of love with the person who also fell out of love with you. Although the memories will remain, one day you will realize that all of the pain is gone. Once again, you can breath. The power of forgiveness and the absence of unrequited love, will open up your heart to receive all of the love that God has for you. When you have grown to the point of not just thinking, and believing, but knowing that God is the source of your strength, and that He loves you just as you are, you will begin to understand your worth. Your heart and your spirit will be open to love again, and also to be loved. You can once again listen to the lyrics of your favorite love song with a heart filled with hope and anticipation for what is yet to come...
So what really becomes of the broken hearted?
We will come to understand that without God firmly in His rightful place in our life, relationships will not have the strength to survive the real temptations and storms of life.
Our hearts don't have to be troubled, because God's love is forever.
Our lives will go on, because the best is yet to come...
.
The feelings resulting from being betrayed crosses all societal barriers. The feelings are 'human' ,basic, yet far from simple. I remember the pain being much like I would imagine a knife with a serrated blade being twisted inside your heart would feel. The twists become even more painful when there is disrespect and a blatant lack of even the slightest compassion for someone you once professed to love.
When a man seeks pleasure(?) outside of his marriage, society automatically assumes the wife is in some way deficient. This mindset and the fact that not one person within his circle of family and friends is likely to point out the wrongness of his behavior, allows men to justify their behavior to themselves. The only meaningful conviction would come from God; and they are not interested in anything God might have to say,,,,yet..
A woman will first secretly blame herself for the completely selfish decision of this man she still loves. I mean, if she were providing all that he needed, he would certainly not defile his marriage. Well, would he?? Of course he would. If a man is that unhappy with his life, his attitude and behavior will be unbearable; to put it mildly. And just who is the person who has to deal with his new role as martyr? So, it is a guaranteed fact that both the wife and the husband are both equally miserable. However, she tries to ignore the fact that she can do absolutely nothing to please him. Although she is hurt, frustrated and totally confused, being unfaithful would never be an option for her. It is simply not who she is
.
He is busy strengthening his justification by focusing on her many faults,,,real or imagined.
He can do that, right?
After all, he works hard to provide for his family, and he deserves to be happy.
Right??
Life is too short, and time waits for no one.
Right?
Why shouldn't he add another factor to the equation of his life??
A factor that makes him stand tall with his chest stuck out with pride?
I mean, everyone can plainly see that he is a good man!
Right??
Men cheat because they want to.
Men cheat because they can.
Men cheat because it is accepted by society without serious repercussions.
There is no shame, and very little guilt; if any.
Okay, now what about that broken heart?
Our stories begin with our birth. Our birth is also the beginning of our journey of life. Along the way, we will meet many on the path. Sometimes we will travel the roads together, loving and helping each other as we find our way. There are often roadblocks, temptations and detours that are simply too difficult to maneuver together.
What next?
The journey of life does not stop because someone else decided to venture down into a valley.
You have the choice to sit by the road and cradle your broken heart or you can seek the creator of your heart and ask Him to put it back together again.
God will first give you clarity regarding yourself. He will allow you to see your mistakes, and also show you all that is 'right' about,,you. Because you see, this is your journey, and yours alone. The person who broke your heart must find the way along his own journey and the paths of his choice.
God will also bless you with the ability to forgive.
Forgiving the person(s) who caused you grief is freedom that is hard to describe. Most people who hurt others care nothing about the forgiveness of the person they hurt because they,,simply don't care.
You will forgive him because of the peace it will bring to you.
* If God can forgive us; we can forgive him/her.
A prayer for someone who has brought you pain is a very powerful prayer.
We can all use the prayer of others because we must all reap the garden we have sown...
.
As God heals your heart, you will gently fall out of love with the person who also fell out of love with you. Although the memories will remain, one day you will realize that all of the pain is gone. Once again, you can breath. The power of forgiveness and the absence of unrequited love, will open up your heart to receive all of the love that God has for you. When you have grown to the point of not just thinking, and believing, but knowing that God is the source of your strength, and that He loves you just as you are, you will begin to understand your worth. Your heart and your spirit will be open to love again, and also to be loved. You can once again listen to the lyrics of your favorite love song with a heart filled with hope and anticipation for what is yet to come...
So what really becomes of the broken hearted?
We will come to understand that without God firmly in His rightful place in our life, relationships will not have the strength to survive the real temptations and storms of life.
Our hearts don't have to be troubled, because God's love is forever.
Our lives will go on, because the best is yet to come...
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