It has been said that you marry the person; not their family. While it is certainly true that only you and your spouse took the binding oath to marry, even a spouse who is estranged from their family is still connected by the bond of shared blood and genetics.
I am amused when I hear an adult say with exaggerated pride that they have no' baggage' in their life. It is my opinion that along with their obvious delusion, they are not prepared to deal with the baggage of another person.
I do not believe it is possible to travel our journey of life without luggage. We begin as children with a small sturdy bag we pack with dreams and expectations. Throughout our lives, the quality, size, and quantity of our luggage will change many times.
No matter how much faith, contentment or peace we may have, there are issues deep inside each of us that has an active on/off switch. Generally, that issue was a by-product of a family experience. Some family members will know you well enough to flip your switch into the 'on' position whenever they choose.
Our families have the power to provide loving enhancement to our lives. Our families also have the power to make our lives miserable.
*We each have the power to choose exactly what we will deem acceptable behavior from our family.
So, how do we build a healthy relationship between your spouse and your extended family?
Begin with HONESTY.
You know the members of your family as well as they know you. Do not be tempted to lie about anyone or anything that can,,and will,,,come back to cause you embarrassment or grief. If your family is still close enough to your ex to spend time together, it will be extremely difficult for your spouse to completely trust your family.
If you have family members who are just plain 'messy', protect your spouse by telling them before they meet. Messy people, both men and women,,,yes, I did say men,,,will always try to get close enough to a 'new' person to find out information they can pass along to the other messy people in the family.
If there are people in your family who are mentally ill, diagnosed or undiagnosed, do not be ashamed to share this information with your spouse.
If there is someone in your family who is a thief, tell your spouse. She needs to know it is best to put her purse safely away when this person visits. Seriously..
If you are fully aware that your mother( fathers generally stay quiet; even if they feel the same) does not like your spouse, it is your responsibility to,, at the very least, make your mother understand that your spouse must be your first priority. It is also your responsibility to reassure your mother that your love for her will never change. Challenging? Perhaps, but take the time to be grateful for the love of these two women.
If your mother refuses to treat your spouse with respect, find a way to make her understand that she is risking the respect of her own child.
If your spouse is even borderline rude and disrespectful to your parents, seemingly without merit, it is your responsibility to immediately find out why and find a solution to the problem.
Some women are so insecure, they attempt to sabotage the relationship between a man and his family. A smart man will see the signs before the marriage and do his best to give her the confidence in their love,,,and her husband,, that she needs. A not so smart man will ignore the signs and pretend that the problem does not exist. This is a mistake that will only become more serious, and usually include more issues than his parents.
*Always be mindful of the boundaries of respect that should never be crossed by anyone.
Spouses are often guilty of planting the seeds of drama between their families.
Keep your personal disagreements between the two of you.
Make financial decisions together regarding your family. This is true whether you are the borrower or lender.
Money, or lack of, can cause riffs between family members that never heal
The whole idea of marriage is coming together to live your lives as one.
You are still unable to live in this world alone.
Since we are all imperfect in some way, it is safe to say that each of our families have been or will be dysfunctional in one way or another.
If you are blessed to have a loving family and a loving spouse, it is worth the effort that is often needed to become a loving blended family.
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