Giving birth is not a guarantee that the mother will love her child. Thankfully, most people are unable to relate to this sad fact. Those of us who can relate, are usually left with a void that only the love of God can truly fill.
In my culture, the arms of an extended family reaches beyond the normal range. I was raised by a great aunt and uncle. By the time I was born, they had long given up the possibility of having children. At the age of three months, my mother and grandfather gave me to them. As the story goes, I was also wanted by my paternal grandparents, and a cousin of my father's. While growing up, I would often imagine how my life would have been with the other two choices.
I tried to soften the facts by telling myself that at least,,all of these people really wanted me.
The fact still remained that my birth mother,,gave me away.
By the age of six, I knew that I was in the right place. Knowing this allowed me to accept my life as it was. Yes, even at that young age. I honestly have no memory of thinking with the innocence and freedom of a child. I was on intimate terms with my vivid imagination. I expected nothing from anyone. I had to learn how to sort out grown-up situations and choices with the mind-set of a child.
My acceptance of my life,,,with truth,,,gave me the freedom to love my mother unconditionally.
That same truth allowed me to accept that my mother's love for me was,,limited,,,at best.
How does a child live without the love of their mother??
The answer can be complicated. I knew that Momma and Daddy loved me. They also constantly reminded me how thankful I should always be that they took me. I was the perfect example of an obedient child. I simply had no choice. I was no longer the three month old baby who had two other families anxious to shower me with love. If I messed up, where would I go??
As I matured I understood that they were loving me in the best way they knew how. They had no idea how painful their words were for me. They accepted and loved me. I loved and accepted them.
My biological mother was not a part of my life until I turned 12. She and her husband along with my two younger brothers moved on the street where I lived. I was thrilled.. My stepfather has always been good to me and my brothers were adorable. I will just say that being myself was a huge disappointment to my mother. I accepted this along will all of the other facts of my life.
Although I was disappointed that being around my mother did not remotely come close to the scenes in my imagination, I still thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.
Most people still did not know I was her daughter,,,but I no longer cared.
I knew that I was her daughter, and that was enough for me.
The fact that my mother gave me away will always be a tender spot in my heart. But, God did put me in the best place to be loved and raised.
The most difficult challenge has been accepting that I was never a priority in my mother's life. She was simply not capable of loving me in the same manner she loved my siblings.
Forgiving her opened the door for God's comfort and healing of my spirit.
During the last few years of her life, she would sometimes call and say that she loved me. The words were nice to hear. But honestly, no matter how much I wanted to believe her,,,I could not.
That still did not change my love for her.
When she passed away a couple of years ago, my pain was deep and complex. I also realized how completely God had filled the void where I felt her love should have been.
She was my mother.
She loved me the best that she could.
Who am I to question,,her best??
My peace comes from the fact that I loved her,, unconditionally.
Because..
She was my mother.
Life is seldom how we want it to be.
We all fall short in some way.
God will always remain my refuge and my source of strength.
He loved me even before I loved Him.,,
Unconditionally.
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