VANESSA CALUMET
~~the wife~~
10:00 a.m.
Last night I woke up every hour on the hour. This has been 'my normal' for the last few weeks. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I am also fully aware that I look like hell. Which of course, should not be surprising, since I have been residing in my own personal hell now for several weeks.
My husband will be home today.
The fact that our lives will never be the same weighs heavy on my heart and soul.
I returned to my doctor last week for a follow-up. I will not be 'clean' for two more days. Lord, how horrible and nasty that sounds! I actually have two doses of medication left to complete the treatment of the chlamydia.
The bite marks have almost completely faded, but there are tiny scars that almost form a pattern.
My husband has always loved to look at my body. He knows my body well enough to notice even the slightest change. My scars are not slight; he will know.
I have been simply going through the motions of living. I went to the hair salon yesterday. And not surprisingly, my stylist asked if I had been sick. I answered her truthfully by replying that yes, I had not been feeling well. I even took the time to get my nails done.
I have only barely managed to avoid most of my family. I have pretended to be involved in a new project. Who am I kidding? I did not pretend; I blatantly lied. Just as I lied to Marcus when he noticed a difference in my voice and suggested that I see my doctor to make sure I am okay. I told him that I was still tired from the trip, and after calling my doctor, she had prescribed extra vitamins.
It is true that once you start lying, the process becomes easier. I even added unnecessary embellishments.
Who have I become?
I have started hormone treatments, and I can already feel the difference. I no longer feel as if I am locked in a cage with no way out.
I am also faced with the cold, shameful facts of exactly what I have done.
My love for Marcus has almost become a physical pain. I miss him so much I want to just,,scream.
I am reaping what I have sown, and he doesn't even know what I have done yet.
But, he will know; because I must tell him.
I asked the kids to come over tonight because I need time to gather my courage. If they are here when he arrives, I can postpone what could well be the end of my marriage.
I was going to prepare most of his favorite dishes, but I don't want to blemish what are loving memories for both of us. We love to cook together and for each other.
Lena, who is an executive chef, will bring over food for the dinner.
5:00 p.m.
My babies have arrived, and the noise level is loud and comforting. The twins are playing with the toys they keep in their rooms upstairs as if it is Christmas. I had forgotten I had added a few new ones. Gia is walking around the family room talking on her phone, and the adults are catching up on the past few days of events.
I look around the room with a heart that is filled with gratitude.
How could I have made a choice that could disrupt the security and closeness of my beloved family?
My phone rings. Marcus will be home in 30 minutes.
MARCUS CALUMET
~~the husband~~
5:25 p.m.
I am a little surprised to see my kids cars in the driveway. Actually, more than a little surprised. Usually, if I am gone over 24 hours, Vanessa and I will spend at least five of the next 24 hours in bed , or somewhere, making love.
If I am honest with myself, I have not exactly been in a state of heavy desire. Our phone conversations have been foreign and strained, which suggests that she feels the same.
Okay...
It is always a joy to see my children, so that will be my focus at the moment.
As I get out of the car, I look at the house that our love has turned into a place overflowing with comfort and peace. A place of rest and repair as we face the challenges of our lives.
My job has made me understand how much of a blessing it is to be able to come home. The last few weeks of seeing first hand how many people left home going about their daily routine, never again having the opportunity to return home, will stay with me forever.
Once again I thank God for this blessing that so many people take for granted.
I also ask Him for the strength to deal with the changes that are glaringly present in my world.
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