As difficult as it may be for some to comprehend, yes, there are women who are classic abusers. Women are capable of physically and emotionally abusing those who are close to them. The fact that so few men are likely to share this part of their lives with family and friends makes it harder for people to take this type of abuse seriously. Known cases are steadily rising; imagine what the numbers would be if more men would seek help.
Just as a man's sheer physical strength makes it easy for him to become the abuser, that same physical strength will be a source of shame when he is abused by a woman.
Except for the gender and physical strength, how the abuse is rendered is much the same. A female abuser will only attempt to abuse a man that she believes will not physically defend himself. So,,a man who has been taught that under no circumstances should he physically hurt a woman; even in self defense, would no doubt be a perfect victim.
A female abuser will know just what her husband's weaknesses are. She will use her knowledge to bring him up or down,,as she so chooses. She will attack his manhood; whatever he feels that might be. It could be either his brain or his penis. She will know which he holds more dear. She will withhold affection,,because she can.
Some men are attracted to women who appear to be strong and quick to "put people in their place" or " just say what other people are afraid to say" or "tell it like it is!".
Well,,,these people are rude. If they are comfortable living without a verbal filter, why are men so often surprised when this negative attitude is directed at them?
*A nasty negative attitude is not an example of strength. It is a sign that the person has a need to feel superior. In order for them to feel superior, they have to have someone who is beneath them.
If a woman will make spiteful, hurtful and demeaning comments to her husband in public, it is doubtful her behavior is less aggressive in the privacy of their homes.
*If a woman's negative attitude enters the room before she does, it is not an act. People will pretend to be nice,,,few will pretend to be nasty.
People tell and show you who they are. If her husband has a deep look of sadness,,,it is quite possible that he is married to a bully.
Several years ago, while putting together a panel to discuss domestic violence, I met an amazing couple. After several failed attempts at finding a man willing to admit to having been an abuser, I met a large gentle minister and his wife. They were in their mid fifties and their story had a profound impact on the audience and the panel. This was no easy feat since the panel was made of women who had been abused, professional counselors, and a member of a newly formed task force of the police department. The audience was made up of a room full of women and no more than ten men.
The minister told us that he was taught to never put his hands on a woman in an aggressive manner. His mother failed to teach him how to choose a non-aggressive woman. Soon after the wedding, his wife began to physically abuse him. She would hit, scratch, bite whenever she felt he deserved to be punished. It was his wife's mother who came up with a 'solution'. His mother-in-law told him that he would have to beat her daughter to stop her from hurting him. He said that he was shocked and told her that he could never hit her. Well, one night soon after that conversation his wife attacked him,,and he hit her. He said it felt good. This man is well over 6 ft. tall and at that time was probably solidly built. For many years their lives were filled with pain and bruises.
The minister's wife confirmed his story. She said that she grew up in a neighborhood where you were picked on if you did not know how to fight. She joined a 'gang' of sorts and learned the art of senseless aggression. Aggression and respect seemed to go hand in hand in her world. She knew that his world was different, and she did not expect him to ever hit her.
Their honesty made their words of advice to the audience even more meaningful. They both acknowledged their mistakes and their growth.
Abuse is painful and degrading coming from either a man or a woman.
The fact that men far, far, exceed women as abusers does not mean that the abuse of men should be ignored.
Men are expected to lead their households. If a man finds himself in a situation where his spirit is broken, who does he tell?
Society has almost succeeded in programming men to believe that having a spirit is a sign of weakness? Again, who does he tell?
Who does a man tell if his wife is physically hurting him?
Who will believe him?
Who will understand?
If this man is someone you love,,, pray for him and with him.
Help him to understand that God will always understand.,,,always.
There must be a change in mindset regarding domestic abuse in all areas.
Once the attitude of society becomes more compassionate and less judgemental, perhaps more abused people will seek the assistance that is available.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
* The History of 'Lilly Gordon'.....from Sammye Kaye
My previous post titled 'Has Anybody Seen Lilly Gordon?' is a condensed version of a monologue written and performed by me for use during the month of October. For three years I performed this piece for various groups in a effort to heighten the awareness of Domestic Violence.
While watching the 4 o'clock news yesterday and seeing three back to back incidents of domestic violence occurring within less than 24 hours, I decided to allow the voice of 'Lilly Gordon' to be a part of my blog.
If this post can help just one woman make the decision to seek the help that is readily available through most local women's shelters and national hot lines, the voice of 'Lilly' will have once again served it's purpose.
~Sammye Kaye~
While watching the 4 o'clock news yesterday and seeing three back to back incidents of domestic violence occurring within less than 24 hours, I decided to allow the voice of 'Lilly Gordon' to be a part of my blog.
If this post can help just one woman make the decision to seek the help that is readily available through most local women's shelters and national hot lines, the voice of 'Lilly' will have once again served it's purpose.
~Sammye Kaye~
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
'Has Anybody Seen Lilly Gordon?'.....A Story by Sammye Kaye
I woke up this morning with mixed feelings. Years ago, I remember wondering what it felt like to be 'old'. Do you suddenly feel ugly? Will I turn all wrinkly overnight? I had to laugh at myself for allowing these silly thoughts to cloud up my mind.
My name is Lilly Gordon and today is my 50th birthday. My silly questions really won't matter, because today is also the day my husband of 25 years will beat me to death with his favorite golf club.
Of course you are wondering how I got to this point. I have asked myself this question many times over the last twenty plus years. I don't suppose I have much time, but I will try to make sense of my life, such as it was.
My husband and I met through mutual friends. We were both up and coming business owners who shared many interests. At least, I thought we did. We dated for six months and with the blessings of family and friends, decided to get married. The first year of marriage was wonderful. The only low point was the mutual decision to sell my business and focus on his. We made a huge profit since my business was doing well; actually better than his. About this time, we decided to start our family. Within three years we had two beautiful sons. He was a great father.
.
*.Does a great father beat the mother of his children??
The first five years were normal, as marriages go. The first time he hit me was the night of our 6th wedding anniversary. As a surprise, I had invited the couple who introduced us to join us for dinner. He did not even remember the date and was embarrassed. In addition to all the other beatings,every anniversary after that, I received a bonus beating. The bruises were never visible, so I was not faced with the humiliation of explaining anything to anybody. He was also careful to only hit me when the boys were away from home.
My husband is a pillar of integrity in our close knit community. He owns a lucrative business. He is a leader in the largest church in our city where he makes overly generous donations. I have often felt that he thinks he is buying his way into heaven.
I have always been too ashamed to tell my family or friends. I was just not strong enough to tell anyone how horrible my life has been. Several years ago, after he cracked one of my ribs, I scheduled a meeting with our pastor. Within the hour my husband was hitting me across my back with his belt. No, the pastor never called me to ask why I never showed up for the appointment; apparently he knew the answer. Needless to say, I had no trust or respect for the person in the pulpit of my church. What can I say? I didn't have any respect for myself either.
Yesterday, my best friend suggested we have an early dinner to celebrate my birthday. I declined because my sons planned to come over after dinner for cake and ice cream. We always planned everything around my husband's schedule no matter how inconvenient it was for anyone else.
Last night, my prayer was somehow,, different. Over the years, my faith has been unstable at best. I think maybe I wanted God to just take me away; like Calgon or something. I realize now that I did not want to be responsible for myself or my choices. I finally asked God to give me the strength to walk away.
After I finished laughing at my silly questions this morning, I called my friend and made plans to have that birthday dinner after all. We had a great time. Actually, my entire day was light and happy.
I did not tell my husband of my plans because I had decided to tell him that I was leaving him. After years of research and discussions with counselors from the local women's shelter, I knew how dangerous it would be for me after telling him of my decision. In my heart and spirit, I was already free; I did not care much about anything else. Or did I??
I was surprised to see his car in the driveway of our beautiful home. A home that had become my beautiful prison. He never got home before 9:00 and it was just a little past 6:00.
When I opened the front door, he was standing in the foyer with an almost comical scowl. I had never gone anywhere without asking him first. He asked me where in the hell had I been??
I smiled.
I only felt the first blow. I was knocked completely unconscious with his balled fist. He broke two of his fingers. I know now that I actually died from the blows of his golf club. He broke half the bones in my body.
He lost it. It was not my smile that pushed him over the edge, it was the look of freedom that he saw in my eyes. He had to have seen it; it would have been impossible for him to miss.
The first person he called was his pastor. He showed up looking totally confused; poor man. Maybe he learned a lesson that will benefit another woman. It was obviously too late for an ambulance, but it took them over 30 minutes to call the police. You see, they were busy praying. I wonder if one of those prayers was for me...
I am so sorry that my babies have to deal with this pain. They loved me, but they also love their father. May God have mercy on my,,no, our families.
How sad that the date of my birth is now the date of my death.
.
I regret not telling the people who loved me the truth, because my life was a lie. They really haven't seen the real Lilly in a very long time. But then, neither have I. I did leave a journal for my sister. Maybe that will help them to understand how this happened. Maybe.
Even now, I do not understand the reason why.
It is time for me to go..
My name is Lilly Gordon and today is my 50th birthday. My silly questions really won't matter, because today is also the day my husband of 25 years will beat me to death with his favorite golf club.
Of course you are wondering how I got to this point. I have asked myself this question many times over the last twenty plus years. I don't suppose I have much time, but I will try to make sense of my life, such as it was.
My husband and I met through mutual friends. We were both up and coming business owners who shared many interests. At least, I thought we did. We dated for six months and with the blessings of family and friends, decided to get married. The first year of marriage was wonderful. The only low point was the mutual decision to sell my business and focus on his. We made a huge profit since my business was doing well; actually better than his. About this time, we decided to start our family. Within three years we had two beautiful sons. He was a great father.
.
*.Does a great father beat the mother of his children??
The first five years were normal, as marriages go. The first time he hit me was the night of our 6th wedding anniversary. As a surprise, I had invited the couple who introduced us to join us for dinner. He did not even remember the date and was embarrassed. In addition to all the other beatings,every anniversary after that, I received a bonus beating. The bruises were never visible, so I was not faced with the humiliation of explaining anything to anybody. He was also careful to only hit me when the boys were away from home.
My husband is a pillar of integrity in our close knit community. He owns a lucrative business. He is a leader in the largest church in our city where he makes overly generous donations. I have often felt that he thinks he is buying his way into heaven.
I have always been too ashamed to tell my family or friends. I was just not strong enough to tell anyone how horrible my life has been. Several years ago, after he cracked one of my ribs, I scheduled a meeting with our pastor. Within the hour my husband was hitting me across my back with his belt. No, the pastor never called me to ask why I never showed up for the appointment; apparently he knew the answer. Needless to say, I had no trust or respect for the person in the pulpit of my church. What can I say? I didn't have any respect for myself either.
Yesterday, my best friend suggested we have an early dinner to celebrate my birthday. I declined because my sons planned to come over after dinner for cake and ice cream. We always planned everything around my husband's schedule no matter how inconvenient it was for anyone else.
Last night, my prayer was somehow,, different. Over the years, my faith has been unstable at best. I think maybe I wanted God to just take me away; like Calgon or something. I realize now that I did not want to be responsible for myself or my choices. I finally asked God to give me the strength to walk away.
After I finished laughing at my silly questions this morning, I called my friend and made plans to have that birthday dinner after all. We had a great time. Actually, my entire day was light and happy.
I did not tell my husband of my plans because I had decided to tell him that I was leaving him. After years of research and discussions with counselors from the local women's shelter, I knew how dangerous it would be for me after telling him of my decision. In my heart and spirit, I was already free; I did not care much about anything else. Or did I??
I was surprised to see his car in the driveway of our beautiful home. A home that had become my beautiful prison. He never got home before 9:00 and it was just a little past 6:00.
When I opened the front door, he was standing in the foyer with an almost comical scowl. I had never gone anywhere without asking him first. He asked me where in the hell had I been??
I smiled.
I only felt the first blow. I was knocked completely unconscious with his balled fist. He broke two of his fingers. I know now that I actually died from the blows of his golf club. He broke half the bones in my body.
He lost it. It was not my smile that pushed him over the edge, it was the look of freedom that he saw in my eyes. He had to have seen it; it would have been impossible for him to miss.
The first person he called was his pastor. He showed up looking totally confused; poor man. Maybe he learned a lesson that will benefit another woman. It was obviously too late for an ambulance, but it took them over 30 minutes to call the police. You see, they were busy praying. I wonder if one of those prayers was for me...
I am so sorry that my babies have to deal with this pain. They loved me, but they also love their father. May God have mercy on my,,no, our families.
How sad that the date of my birth is now the date of my death.
.
I regret not telling the people who loved me the truth, because my life was a lie. They really haven't seen the real Lilly in a very long time. But then, neither have I. I did leave a journal for my sister. Maybe that will help them to understand how this happened. Maybe.
Even now, I do not understand the reason why.
It is time for me to go..
Monday, October 1, 2012
The Shame of Emotional Abuse/A Woman's Perspective
There is degradation associated with any type of domestic violence. It is often said that the scars of emotional abuse are invisible. I strongly disagree. For those who are close enough to the person being abused to know who they are, the signs are impossible to miss.
Emotional Abuse: the debasement of a person's feelings that causes the individual to perceive
himself or herself as inept, not cared for, or worthless.
Soul: a person's moral or emotional nature or sense of identity.
Essence: the core nature or most important qualities of a person or thing.
Emotional abuse is the meticulous battering of a person's spirit. In most cases, the fact that the abused person already had a weakened spirit makes her a prime target for her abuser.
An emotional abuser can easily be a woman as well as a man. Honestly, because women tend to know more about the men in their lives than men know their women, a woman has the ability to do a considerable amount of damage to a man's spirit.
I am however, speaking from a woman's perspective.
Experts have determined that men who abuse are generally lacking in confidence. They probably have little control in the outside world. Their private world is their kingdom,,,,and of course they are the king. The question then becomes whether his wife is the queen or just his only royal subject?
I have reluctantly come to believe that it is highly possible that some abusers would be totally shocked and confused if they were viewed and labeled as abusers. Could he possibly be a seemingly confident man who fell into the abyss of arrogance? Or perhaps he is a man who is the product of his family and environment?
Or he could simply be a man who honestly believes that he is superior to most people; certainly his wife. He would never be comfortable with a woman who is his intellectual equal.
His kingdom,,,his rules,,,his life.
Most women are attracted to a man who has the ability to be a leader. Is he capable of listening to the views of his wife or woman, or does he minimize the validity of her voice?
Most women are impressed by a man's concern for her well being when she is away from him. Does he insist on knowing where you are every moment of the day? And who you are with?
* If a woman makes the mistake of sharing too much personal information regarding her friends, an emotionally abusive man will judge the friends behavior according to his morals and proceed to bring the friendship to an end. After all,,,only he knows best.
* If a man has trust issues with his mother,,,,it is unlikely he will ever completely trust any woman.
Some women enjoy their husbands interest in their hair, makeup, and clothes. It is probably very nice if the husband is a confident, loving, mentally healthy man. On the other hand, if he tends to insist on dressing his wife from head to toe,,,all the time,,,there are serious control issues.
If a husband decides when his wife should eat and how much she should eat,,,,he has control issues.
*If a man consistently makes statements that hurt your heart and make you cry, how can that person genuinely love you?.
*If he withholds affection when he is upset with you, he is punishing you. A very basic mind game.
Someone might be asking just how these examples count as abuse.
When a person is convicted of a crime, they lose the credibility of their personal voice, and they lose basic freedoms that most of us take for granted.
When someone else chooses your friends, your clothes, when to visit your family, when to exercise and how much you are allowed to eat and when you should go to bed,,,,,that person is basically controlling your life.
The abuser will have no respect for the person he abuses. As time passes, his tone of voice will be filled with impatience and his attitude will be disrespectful.
He will become bored by the weakened spirit that he has so carefully designed..
The Power of Words
The tongue is a force to be respected, and often feared. This relatively small body part allows us to express ourselves with love and compassion. Others seem to derive a great deal of satisfaction by using it to deliver words of humiliation and pain.
When a woman's spirit is broken, she has no sense of worth. She is at risk to lose her essence and the connection to her very soul. She will do her best to focus on what might be positive in her life. She is not familiar enough with happiness to know whether she is or not
.
There will be no ready smile.
There will be no sparkle in her eyes.
She will be thankful for her life, but it will not be viewed with excited anticipation.
She will appear to be sad because,, she is sad.
She will seem tired, because,, she is tired.
If you are a friend, do not judge her. You simply do not have that right.
Listen to her and be there for her. It will be her decision when that will be.
Help her to learn how to love herself. Only then will she recognize her worth.
Pray with her and for her.
Help her to understand that God is the source of her strength.
Emotional Abuse: the debasement of a person's feelings that causes the individual to perceive
himself or herself as inept, not cared for, or worthless.
Soul: a person's moral or emotional nature or sense of identity.
Essence: the core nature or most important qualities of a person or thing.
Emotional abuse is the meticulous battering of a person's spirit. In most cases, the fact that the abused person already had a weakened spirit makes her a prime target for her abuser.
An emotional abuser can easily be a woman as well as a man. Honestly, because women tend to know more about the men in their lives than men know their women, a woman has the ability to do a considerable amount of damage to a man's spirit.
I am however, speaking from a woman's perspective.
Experts have determined that men who abuse are generally lacking in confidence. They probably have little control in the outside world. Their private world is their kingdom,,,,and of course they are the king. The question then becomes whether his wife is the queen or just his only royal subject?
I have reluctantly come to believe that it is highly possible that some abusers would be totally shocked and confused if they were viewed and labeled as abusers. Could he possibly be a seemingly confident man who fell into the abyss of arrogance? Or perhaps he is a man who is the product of his family and environment?
Or he could simply be a man who honestly believes that he is superior to most people; certainly his wife. He would never be comfortable with a woman who is his intellectual equal.
His kingdom,,,his rules,,,his life.
Most women are attracted to a man who has the ability to be a leader. Is he capable of listening to the views of his wife or woman, or does he minimize the validity of her voice?
Most women are impressed by a man's concern for her well being when she is away from him. Does he insist on knowing where you are every moment of the day? And who you are with?
* If a woman makes the mistake of sharing too much personal information regarding her friends, an emotionally abusive man will judge the friends behavior according to his morals and proceed to bring the friendship to an end. After all,,,only he knows best.
* If a man has trust issues with his mother,,,,it is unlikely he will ever completely trust any woman.
Some women enjoy their husbands interest in their hair, makeup, and clothes. It is probably very nice if the husband is a confident, loving, mentally healthy man. On the other hand, if he tends to insist on dressing his wife from head to toe,,,all the time,,,there are serious control issues.
If a husband decides when his wife should eat and how much she should eat,,,,he has control issues.
*If a man consistently makes statements that hurt your heart and make you cry, how can that person genuinely love you?.
*If he withholds affection when he is upset with you, he is punishing you. A very basic mind game.
Someone might be asking just how these examples count as abuse.
When a person is convicted of a crime, they lose the credibility of their personal voice, and they lose basic freedoms that most of us take for granted.
When someone else chooses your friends, your clothes, when to visit your family, when to exercise and how much you are allowed to eat and when you should go to bed,,,,,that person is basically controlling your life.
The abuser will have no respect for the person he abuses. As time passes, his tone of voice will be filled with impatience and his attitude will be disrespectful.
He will become bored by the weakened spirit that he has so carefully designed..
The Power of Words
The tongue is a force to be respected, and often feared. This relatively small body part allows us to express ourselves with love and compassion. Others seem to derive a great deal of satisfaction by using it to deliver words of humiliation and pain.
When a woman's spirit is broken, she has no sense of worth. She is at risk to lose her essence and the connection to her very soul. She will do her best to focus on what might be positive in her life. She is not familiar enough with happiness to know whether she is or not
.
There will be no ready smile.
There will be no sparkle in her eyes.
She will be thankful for her life, but it will not be viewed with excited anticipation.
She will appear to be sad because,, she is sad.
She will seem tired, because,, she is tired.
If you are a friend, do not judge her. You simply do not have that right.
Listen to her and be there for her. It will be her decision when that will be.
Help her to learn how to love herself. Only then will she recognize her worth.
Pray with her and for her.
Help her to understand that God is the source of her strength.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
When Your In-Laws Act Like Outlaws...A Woman's Perspective
It has been said that you marry the person; not their family. While it is certainly true that only you and your spouse took the binding oath to marry, even a spouse who is estranged from their family is still connected by the bond of shared blood and genetics.
I am amused when I hear an adult say with exaggerated pride that they have no' baggage' in their life. It is my opinion that along with their obvious delusion, they are not prepared to deal with the baggage of another person.
I do not believe it is possible to travel our journey of life without luggage. We begin as children with a small sturdy bag we pack with dreams and expectations. Throughout our lives, the quality, size, and quantity of our luggage will change many times.
No matter how much faith, contentment or peace we may have, there are issues deep inside each of us that has an active on/off switch. Generally, that issue was a by-product of a family experience. Some family members will know you well enough to flip your switch into the 'on' position whenever they choose.
Our families have the power to provide loving enhancement to our lives. Our families also have the power to make our lives miserable.
*We each have the power to choose exactly what we will deem acceptable behavior from our family.
So, how do we build a healthy relationship between your spouse and your extended family?
Begin with HONESTY.
You know the members of your family as well as they know you. Do not be tempted to lie about anyone or anything that can,,and will,,,come back to cause you embarrassment or grief. If your family is still close enough to your ex to spend time together, it will be extremely difficult for your spouse to completely trust your family.
If you have family members who are just plain 'messy', protect your spouse by telling them before they meet. Messy people, both men and women,,,yes, I did say men,,,will always try to get close enough to a 'new' person to find out information they can pass along to the other messy people in the family.
If there are people in your family who are mentally ill, diagnosed or undiagnosed, do not be ashamed to share this information with your spouse.
If there is someone in your family who is a thief, tell your spouse. She needs to know it is best to put her purse safely away when this person visits. Seriously..
If you are fully aware that your mother( fathers generally stay quiet; even if they feel the same) does not like your spouse, it is your responsibility to,, at the very least, make your mother understand that your spouse must be your first priority. It is also your responsibility to reassure your mother that your love for her will never change. Challenging? Perhaps, but take the time to be grateful for the love of these two women.
If your mother refuses to treat your spouse with respect, find a way to make her understand that she is risking the respect of her own child.
If your spouse is even borderline rude and disrespectful to your parents, seemingly without merit, it is your responsibility to immediately find out why and find a solution to the problem.
Some women are so insecure, they attempt to sabotage the relationship between a man and his family. A smart man will see the signs before the marriage and do his best to give her the confidence in their love,,,and her husband,, that she needs. A not so smart man will ignore the signs and pretend that the problem does not exist. This is a mistake that will only become more serious, and usually include more issues than his parents.
*Always be mindful of the boundaries of respect that should never be crossed by anyone.
Spouses are often guilty of planting the seeds of drama between their families.
Keep your personal disagreements between the two of you.
Make financial decisions together regarding your family. This is true whether you are the borrower or lender.
Money, or lack of, can cause riffs between family members that never heal
The whole idea of marriage is coming together to live your lives as one.
You are still unable to live in this world alone.
Since we are all imperfect in some way, it is safe to say that each of our families have been or will be dysfunctional in one way or another.
If you are blessed to have a loving family and a loving spouse, it is worth the effort that is often needed to become a loving blended family.
I am amused when I hear an adult say with exaggerated pride that they have no' baggage' in their life. It is my opinion that along with their obvious delusion, they are not prepared to deal with the baggage of another person.
I do not believe it is possible to travel our journey of life without luggage. We begin as children with a small sturdy bag we pack with dreams and expectations. Throughout our lives, the quality, size, and quantity of our luggage will change many times.
No matter how much faith, contentment or peace we may have, there are issues deep inside each of us that has an active on/off switch. Generally, that issue was a by-product of a family experience. Some family members will know you well enough to flip your switch into the 'on' position whenever they choose.
Our families have the power to provide loving enhancement to our lives. Our families also have the power to make our lives miserable.
*We each have the power to choose exactly what we will deem acceptable behavior from our family.
So, how do we build a healthy relationship between your spouse and your extended family?
Begin with HONESTY.
You know the members of your family as well as they know you. Do not be tempted to lie about anyone or anything that can,,and will,,,come back to cause you embarrassment or grief. If your family is still close enough to your ex to spend time together, it will be extremely difficult for your spouse to completely trust your family.
If you have family members who are just plain 'messy', protect your spouse by telling them before they meet. Messy people, both men and women,,,yes, I did say men,,,will always try to get close enough to a 'new' person to find out information they can pass along to the other messy people in the family.
If there are people in your family who are mentally ill, diagnosed or undiagnosed, do not be ashamed to share this information with your spouse.
If there is someone in your family who is a thief, tell your spouse. She needs to know it is best to put her purse safely away when this person visits. Seriously..
If you are fully aware that your mother( fathers generally stay quiet; even if they feel the same) does not like your spouse, it is your responsibility to,, at the very least, make your mother understand that your spouse must be your first priority. It is also your responsibility to reassure your mother that your love for her will never change. Challenging? Perhaps, but take the time to be grateful for the love of these two women.
If your mother refuses to treat your spouse with respect, find a way to make her understand that she is risking the respect of her own child.
If your spouse is even borderline rude and disrespectful to your parents, seemingly without merit, it is your responsibility to immediately find out why and find a solution to the problem.
Some women are so insecure, they attempt to sabotage the relationship between a man and his family. A smart man will see the signs before the marriage and do his best to give her the confidence in their love,,,and her husband,, that she needs. A not so smart man will ignore the signs and pretend that the problem does not exist. This is a mistake that will only become more serious, and usually include more issues than his parents.
*Always be mindful of the boundaries of respect that should never be crossed by anyone.
Spouses are often guilty of planting the seeds of drama between their families.
Keep your personal disagreements between the two of you.
Make financial decisions together regarding your family. This is true whether you are the borrower or lender.
Money, or lack of, can cause riffs between family members that never heal
The whole idea of marriage is coming together to live your lives as one.
You are still unable to live in this world alone.
Since we are all imperfect in some way, it is safe to say that each of our families have been or will be dysfunctional in one way or another.
If you are blessed to have a loving family and a loving spouse, it is worth the effort that is often needed to become a loving blended family.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Are You A Priority or An Option In Your Relationship or Marriage...A Woman's Perspective
I did not enter the world of dating until very late in life. When I had my 'first' official date as an adult, I was 50 years old. Seriously.
The last 10 years have been an interesting chapter in my life
.
I soon learned that I was completely naive when it came to knowing anything about men. I am forced to laugh at myself when I think back on how wrong I was. I talk to God about each and every part of my life. I was smart enough to know that I was about to enter a world that I knew very little about. So, I did not hesitate to seek God's guidance.
My brothers and even my son tried to prepare me for what to expect, but honestly, I felt they were biased and over protective. Perhaps,,, but they were also right on point.
Best words of advice from my son: " Mama, always remember that if a man is cut for you, he will not hesitate to let you know."
Best advice from my younger brother: "Sam, always remember that a man always has one main objective. Sex. A smart man will listen to you and adjust his game accordingly."
I was such an 'infant' in the process, there is no doubt that God protected me from myself as much as He did from any unsavory men.
Matters of the heart should always be handled with compassion. I have always tried to carry myself in such a way that would never cause pain for another person. It was difficult for me to pull away from someone and risk hurting their feelings. Although I have had my feelings seriously tested, God has protected me from another broken heart.
Although the love of my life has yet to find me, I have formed friendships that I consider to be blessings. They did not cross my path to become my soul mate(s),,, but they were instrumental in helping me to grow.
I will share a few of my... lessons learned.
Men are usually quite simple in their thinking.
Men are loyal to each other, sometimes to a fault. This usually means that we, as women, tend to give them far too much power and credit for creativity in their game.
Again, we think with our hearts; they think with their head(s).
Men are programmed for the 'chase'. Whether this is based on genetics or societal expectations is of course, open for interesting dialogue.
Men have very accurate radar when it comes to a woman who is desperately in need of attention. The
question then becomes:
" Will the man take advantage of this opportunity?"
Or,,,,
" Will the man pull back from someone who is obviously vulnerable?"
Mentally healthy men are not usually interested in women who appear to be weak or submissive( sex only).
Men tend to bore easily.
Mature men really do try to stay away from women who are 'clingy and possessive'.
Well, can you blame them??
Men are often attracted to women who are 'spirited' and slightly aggressive?? Unfortunately, these two traits are likely to come back and bite them in the butt.
Men seem to have a problem accurately gauging a healthy level of,,,spirit.
Is she 'feisty'? Yes.
Is she 'Fine'? Yes.
Is she 'mentally stable'??? No.
Men quite often seem to be confused when faced with a genuinely 'nice' woman who honestly has no game of her own. They usually pass them by.
Older women have always shared this bit of insight. I still find this to be very sad.
But ,,,none the less,very true.
Men are just as afraid of rejection as women are.
When it comes to priority and option, if we stick to the premise that men are far from complicated, the actions of your man will easily provide the answer for you.
Men will seek a woman who is challenging enough to be worthy of the chase he is willing to engage in to win the prize.
Ultimately, that would be You.
When a man is genuinely attracted to 'the whole woman', not just her physical attributes, he will be willing to do the necessary prep work needed to make her want to be his priority.
After the chase, it is still necessary to stay challenging enough to hold onto your 'priority' position in his head and heart.
Do not allow boredom to be a part of your marriage.
Find a way to stay interesting enough that his friends are never sure if he will choose to spend an evening with them or an evening with you.
This is as much for you as it is for him. A woman who has the confidence to pursue her interests and passions will likely understand the need for her husband to pursue his own.
Strive to build an intellectual and creative connection that will help keep your hearts yearning for more ,,of each other.
Spending time together will be meaningful to both of you.
You should both understand that spending time with family and friends is not a threat, but signs of a healthy spouse who is capable of maintaining healthy relationships
.
Being a priority in the life of your spouse is a blessing. Be thankful.
The last 10 years have been an interesting chapter in my life
.
I soon learned that I was completely naive when it came to knowing anything about men. I am forced to laugh at myself when I think back on how wrong I was. I talk to God about each and every part of my life. I was smart enough to know that I was about to enter a world that I knew very little about. So, I did not hesitate to seek God's guidance.
My brothers and even my son tried to prepare me for what to expect, but honestly, I felt they were biased and over protective. Perhaps,,, but they were also right on point.
Best words of advice from my son: " Mama, always remember that if a man is cut for you, he will not hesitate to let you know."
Best advice from my younger brother: "Sam, always remember that a man always has one main objective. Sex. A smart man will listen to you and adjust his game accordingly."
I was such an 'infant' in the process, there is no doubt that God protected me from myself as much as He did from any unsavory men.
Matters of the heart should always be handled with compassion. I have always tried to carry myself in such a way that would never cause pain for another person. It was difficult for me to pull away from someone and risk hurting their feelings. Although I have had my feelings seriously tested, God has protected me from another broken heart.
Although the love of my life has yet to find me, I have formed friendships that I consider to be blessings. They did not cross my path to become my soul mate(s),,, but they were instrumental in helping me to grow.
I will share a few of my... lessons learned.
Men are usually quite simple in their thinking.
Men are loyal to each other, sometimes to a fault. This usually means that we, as women, tend to give them far too much power and credit for creativity in their game.
Again, we think with our hearts; they think with their head(s).
Men are programmed for the 'chase'. Whether this is based on genetics or societal expectations is of course, open for interesting dialogue.
Men have very accurate radar when it comes to a woman who is desperately in need of attention. The
question then becomes:
" Will the man take advantage of this opportunity?"
Or,,,,
" Will the man pull back from someone who is obviously vulnerable?"
Mentally healthy men are not usually interested in women who appear to be weak or submissive( sex only).
Men tend to bore easily.
Mature men really do try to stay away from women who are 'clingy and possessive'.
Well, can you blame them??
Men are often attracted to women who are 'spirited' and slightly aggressive?? Unfortunately, these two traits are likely to come back and bite them in the butt.
Men seem to have a problem accurately gauging a healthy level of,,,spirit.
Is she 'feisty'? Yes.
Is she 'Fine'? Yes.
Is she 'mentally stable'??? No.
Men quite often seem to be confused when faced with a genuinely 'nice' woman who honestly has no game of her own. They usually pass them by.
Older women have always shared this bit of insight. I still find this to be very sad.
But ,,,none the less,very true.
Men are just as afraid of rejection as women are.
When it comes to priority and option, if we stick to the premise that men are far from complicated, the actions of your man will easily provide the answer for you.
Men will seek a woman who is challenging enough to be worthy of the chase he is willing to engage in to win the prize.
Ultimately, that would be You.
When a man is genuinely attracted to 'the whole woman', not just her physical attributes, he will be willing to do the necessary prep work needed to make her want to be his priority.
After the chase, it is still necessary to stay challenging enough to hold onto your 'priority' position in his head and heart.
Do not allow boredom to be a part of your marriage.
Find a way to stay interesting enough that his friends are never sure if he will choose to spend an evening with them or an evening with you.
This is as much for you as it is for him. A woman who has the confidence to pursue her interests and passions will likely understand the need for her husband to pursue his own.
Strive to build an intellectual and creative connection that will help keep your hearts yearning for more ,,of each other.
Spending time together will be meaningful to both of you.
You should both understand that spending time with family and friends is not a threat, but signs of a healthy spouse who is capable of maintaining healthy relationships
.
Being a priority in the life of your spouse is a blessing. Be thankful.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Married With Children.... And Aging Parents
My childhood would not exactly be considered normal. I was raised by my maternal great aunt and uncle. Everyone in their circle would easily be classified as 'seniors'. To say I grew up in a sheltered environment would be a slight understatement. There were times when the safety and shelter were dangerously compromised, but,,,I survived.
I also had a biological mother and father, and a step father and step mother. Yes,,I know.
I was in the presence of sickness and death for most of my life. I was taught the importance of family members supporting and caring for each other. I knew that I was loved, and I also knew that I would one day be responsible for the care of my parents. It would not be a sacrifice, simply a chapter in my life story.
Growing up surrounded by your elders forces you to grow up quickly. Their generation did not believe in any 'foolishness', but they did believe in the need to teach a child how to survive in this world. I did not learn how to easily laugh, but I could take care of a household by the age of twelve.
Daddy died from unexpected complications from prostate surgery. I was not prepared for the death of the big, strong, yet gentle man who made me feel safe. He was the daddy who carried me into the house when I pretended to be asleep after a road trip. I well remember my childhood worries regarding the safety of my daddy. Growing up during the 50"s made my fears reality.
I barely made it to the hospital in time to tell him that I loved him; something I was afraid I had never done. He managed to slightly smile and whisper the words " I know you do baby. And I love you."
I once again told Momma that whenever she felt that living alone was too difficult, to please let me know. I understood how important her home and independence was to her, so I wanted her to be comfortable with the decision. Over the next several years, she would be sick enough for me to spend a couple of weeks with her, or I would bring her home with me until she got well enough to go back home.
My marriage did not end on a good note, but the person I was married to was a blessing regarding the changes in our lives when I finally brought Momma to live with us. Even as young as we were when we got married, we had discussed the inevitability of providing for my parents care, down to the house we purchased for our family.
To say that the next few years were challenging would be a huge understatement. I had a 9 year old daughter, 14 year old son, a very needy husband, and a 90 year old mother. Honestly, I was so busy during those years, it is almost a blur.
The greatest challenge was attempting to make my mother understand that she was now at home and not a guest. We made changes in the home to make everyone as comfortable as possible. I completely understood how painful it was to leave her home.
I included her in everything the family participated in. She would often attend my son's high school football games. It took her a while to accept that he was not going to get hurt. She spent way too much time telling my daughter scary stories,,,true stories?? that had frightened me to death as a child.
She kept me busy, made me look at Jim Baker, made me laugh, and quite often hurt my feelings. She also gave my children an opportunity to experience the day to day life of an elderly person who happened to be their Gran.
It is by no means easy to care for the person who cared for you. But that fact alone should make it easier.
Always safeguard their dignity. It is not easy to allow someone else to give you a bath.
Take time to revisit their past; it is important to them. Imagine how difficult it is to outlive most if not all of your close family and friends.
Never allow yourself to think of their care as a sacrificial act. They are old; they are not stupid.
Have candid discussions with your spouse regarding both of your parents before the need arises.
Teach your children that growing old is not something to be feared and shunned.
Welcome your elders into your world.
Give them the love and care they provided for you.
They deserve nothing less.
I also had a biological mother and father, and a step father and step mother. Yes,,I know.
I was in the presence of sickness and death for most of my life. I was taught the importance of family members supporting and caring for each other. I knew that I was loved, and I also knew that I would one day be responsible for the care of my parents. It would not be a sacrifice, simply a chapter in my life story.
Growing up surrounded by your elders forces you to grow up quickly. Their generation did not believe in any 'foolishness', but they did believe in the need to teach a child how to survive in this world. I did not learn how to easily laugh, but I could take care of a household by the age of twelve.
Daddy died from unexpected complications from prostate surgery. I was not prepared for the death of the big, strong, yet gentle man who made me feel safe. He was the daddy who carried me into the house when I pretended to be asleep after a road trip. I well remember my childhood worries regarding the safety of my daddy. Growing up during the 50"s made my fears reality.
I barely made it to the hospital in time to tell him that I loved him; something I was afraid I had never done. He managed to slightly smile and whisper the words " I know you do baby. And I love you."
I once again told Momma that whenever she felt that living alone was too difficult, to please let me know. I understood how important her home and independence was to her, so I wanted her to be comfortable with the decision. Over the next several years, she would be sick enough for me to spend a couple of weeks with her, or I would bring her home with me until she got well enough to go back home.
My marriage did not end on a good note, but the person I was married to was a blessing regarding the changes in our lives when I finally brought Momma to live with us. Even as young as we were when we got married, we had discussed the inevitability of providing for my parents care, down to the house we purchased for our family.
To say that the next few years were challenging would be a huge understatement. I had a 9 year old daughter, 14 year old son, a very needy husband, and a 90 year old mother. Honestly, I was so busy during those years, it is almost a blur.
The greatest challenge was attempting to make my mother understand that she was now at home and not a guest. We made changes in the home to make everyone as comfortable as possible. I completely understood how painful it was to leave her home.
I included her in everything the family participated in. She would often attend my son's high school football games. It took her a while to accept that he was not going to get hurt. She spent way too much time telling my daughter scary stories,,,true stories?? that had frightened me to death as a child.
She kept me busy, made me look at Jim Baker, made me laugh, and quite often hurt my feelings. She also gave my children an opportunity to experience the day to day life of an elderly person who happened to be their Gran.
It is by no means easy to care for the person who cared for you. But that fact alone should make it easier.
Always safeguard their dignity. It is not easy to allow someone else to give you a bath.
Take time to revisit their past; it is important to them. Imagine how difficult it is to outlive most if not all of your close family and friends.
Never allow yourself to think of their care as a sacrificial act. They are old; they are not stupid.
Have candid discussions with your spouse regarding both of your parents before the need arises.
Teach your children that growing old is not something to be feared and shunned.
Welcome your elders into your world.
Give them the love and care they provided for you.
They deserve nothing less.
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