As difficult as it may be for some to comprehend, yes, there are women who are classic abusers. Women are capable of physically and emotionally abusing those who are close to them. The fact that so few men are likely to share this part of their lives with family and friends makes it harder for people to take this type of abuse seriously. Known cases are steadily rising; imagine what the numbers would be if more men would seek help.
Just as a man's sheer physical strength makes it easy for him to become the abuser, that same physical strength will be a source of shame when he is abused by a woman.
Except for the gender and physical strength, how the abuse is rendered is much the same. A female abuser will only attempt to abuse a man that she believes will not physically defend himself. So,,a man who has been taught that under no circumstances should he physically hurt a woman; even in self defense, would no doubt be a perfect victim.
A female abuser will know just what her husband's weaknesses are. She will use her knowledge to bring him up or down,,as she so chooses. She will attack his manhood; whatever he feels that might be. It could be either his brain or his penis. She will know which he holds more dear. She will withhold affection,,because she can.
Some men are attracted to women who appear to be strong and quick to "put people in their place" or " just say what other people are afraid to say" or "tell it like it is!".
Well,,,these people are rude. If they are comfortable living without a verbal filter, why are men so often surprised when this negative attitude is directed at them?
*A nasty negative attitude is not an example of strength. It is a sign that the person has a need to feel superior. In order for them to feel superior, they have to have someone who is beneath them.
If a woman will make spiteful, hurtful and demeaning comments to her husband in public, it is doubtful her behavior is less aggressive in the privacy of their homes.
*If a woman's negative attitude enters the room before she does, it is not an act. People will pretend to be nice,,,few will pretend to be nasty.
People tell and show you who they are. If her husband has a deep look of sadness,,,it is quite possible that he is married to a bully.
Several years ago, while putting together a panel to discuss domestic violence, I met an amazing couple. After several failed attempts at finding a man willing to admit to having been an abuser, I met a large gentle minister and his wife. They were in their mid fifties and their story had a profound impact on the audience and the panel. This was no easy feat since the panel was made of women who had been abused, professional counselors, and a member of a newly formed task force of the police department. The audience was made up of a room full of women and no more than ten men.
The minister told us that he was taught to never put his hands on a woman in an aggressive manner. His mother failed to teach him how to choose a non-aggressive woman. Soon after the wedding, his wife began to physically abuse him. She would hit, scratch, bite whenever she felt he deserved to be punished. It was his wife's mother who came up with a 'solution'. His mother-in-law told him that he would have to beat her daughter to stop her from hurting him. He said that he was shocked and told her that he could never hit her. Well, one night soon after that conversation his wife attacked him,,and he hit her. He said it felt good. This man is well over 6 ft. tall and at that time was probably solidly built. For many years their lives were filled with pain and bruises.
The minister's wife confirmed his story. She said that she grew up in a neighborhood where you were picked on if you did not know how to fight. She joined a 'gang' of sorts and learned the art of senseless aggression. Aggression and respect seemed to go hand in hand in her world. She knew that his world was different, and she did not expect him to ever hit her.
Their honesty made their words of advice to the audience even more meaningful. They both acknowledged their mistakes and their growth.
Abuse is painful and degrading coming from either a man or a woman.
The fact that men far, far, exceed women as abusers does not mean that the abuse of men should be ignored.
Men are expected to lead their households. If a man finds himself in a situation where his spirit is broken, who does he tell?
Society has almost succeeded in programming men to believe that having a spirit is a sign of weakness? Again, who does he tell?
Who does a man tell if his wife is physically hurting him?
Who will believe him?
Who will understand?
If this man is someone you love,,, pray for him and with him.
Help him to understand that God will always understand.,,,always.
There must be a change in mindset regarding domestic abuse in all areas.
Once the attitude of society becomes more compassionate and less judgemental, perhaps more abused people will seek the assistance that is available.
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