I woke up in a cold sweat. Again. I threw the covers back in frustration. I feel as if I have been riding the waves in a turbulent sea.
Maybe the cold air against my damp body would help to bring me back to the present.
It was just a dream..
I went to the kitchen and brewed a pot of tea.
Four years ago, on my way to work, I was struck by a drunk driver. The female driver was returning from her 20th birthday party. She ran a red light, and the large pick-up she was driving 15 miles over the speed limit,,, slammed into my brand new sporty red compact.
I was smiling as I listened to the expensive sound system that I reluctantly splurged on..
.
I woke up to the sound of crunching metal and the smell of something burning. Both the sound and odor were coming from the machinery used to remove the roof of my car.
Pain smothered my body much like the heavy handmade quilts that my grandmother kept on all of her beds. Except,,, the quilts were comforting; this heaviness literally took away by breath..
The loud, grating noise from the saw was almost a whisper compared to the burning pain pulsating throughout my body.
I was in the hospital for three weeks, and in therapy for a year. I had multiple breaks in my left leg and arm, and injury to my back. I also had a concussion that left me with recurring headaches. I hardly remember the discomfort from the many cuts and abrasions, but I do remember the glass in my hair..
By far, my back injury has been the most challenging. The diagnosis has always been sketchy; at least for me. By this time, I just wanted relief from the ever present pain.
My doctors seemed unable to agree on exactly why the pain is so severe.
As is the norm, for women, I was sent to a psychiatrist to rule out the possibility that my pain was a figment of my active imagination or,,hormones,,,,,or an attempt to receive extra attention.
I deeply resented the fact that I had to both remind and convince these people that I was a 23 year old single woman who has always loved my life. I think maybe I am predisposed to be happy.
That life had suddenly been taken over by pain.
*The young lady who hit my car walked away with a few scratches. It would have been nice if she had at least told me she was sorry about the accident. It would have changed nothing, but it still would have been nice to,,know.
Two years ago, my doctor sent me to a pain specialist. After hours of testing, I was given an injection, two prescriptions for pain, and a well known muscle relaxant.
By the time I left the clinic, I felt as if I had just experienced a miracle, just from the injection.
My life returned to the level of normalcy that I had been praying for.
I can only get the injections every 4 months, which is fine, because the prescription pain killers work very well.
Too well...
I am now addicted to prescription drugs.
My body became dependent very quickly.
I have always been careful to take any medication exactly as prescribed.
I was so thankful to be pain free, I failed to notice how euphoric I was feeling overall...all of the time. One of the drugs could be taken as needed. My body apparently decided it was needed more than was safe for me to take.
I listened to my body.
When I began to lose time during the day, I was concerned, but not alarmed. I live alone, so it took quite a while before I took the time to check myself. I soon realized that I was taking the meds for any discomfort, and sleeping whenever I got the chance.
One weekend, in the midst of a severe headache, I glanced in the bathroom mirror, and noticed I had a,, 'zombie' look. When I swallowed, I noticed that my tongue felt thick and stiff. If I had to speak to someone, it would have been difficult; perhaps even impossible.
I felt somewhat normal?,,,but looked quite the opposite.
Living alone helped me to hide the truth from myself.
How did I let this happen??
.
I decided to test myself by not taking the medication for a couple of days. I didn't even last 24 hours.
The back pain came back worse than before,,, along with shakiness, leg cramps, insomnia and a monster headache.
When I could no longer take it, I grabbed that pill bottle with an urgency that was frightening.
I made an appointment with my doctor and we discussed my options.
Such as they were..
I had three choices.
Live with the pain,,minus drugs.
Live pain free,,,being dependent on the drugs
.
I knew that it is never wise to abruptly stop taking medication without consulting your physician.
But, I did not want to be dependent on anything. However, I knew that the chronic pain would change my life forever. I didn't want to live in a fog of pain.
My doctor and I decided to slowly reduce the number of pain killers I would take each day.
I now take a non-addictive muscle relaxant. The withdrawal from the original drug was a huge challenge, and the process took an entire week.
This means that I will have no choice except to learn how to live my life,,,with some pain and discomfort.
My pain is real.
My doctor has helped erase my guilt by assuring me that we can manage the medication safely and effectively. He has also insisted on monitoring my progress.
So far, there has been no damage to my body.
* Honestly, I was as ashamed as I was afraid.
Being drug dependent was not something I could handle alone.
I had to be honest with myself and my doctor.
My life is far from easy, but I know that I am blessed to even be alive.
When I shift my focus from myself to others, the days are easier.
I have the power to choose the quality of life I want to live..because
God is my strength.
I have been left with an interesting,,side effect.
At least once a week, I have the 'accident dream'.
It is usually on a day when the waves of pain have been strong and unforgiving..
But, that's okay,
It is not a dream, but the waves are becoming easier to ride.
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