The Complexity of Friendship Between Women~II~

The heart of a woman is the compass used to navigate her life. Even a woman who can clearly see the logic in a situation knows better than to ignore the inner voice that so often defies logic. I honestly believe this trait provides us with clarity that allows us to more accurately discern both people and situations. How else could a woman so effectively nurture the spirit of her family and others who need her??  This is in addition to a 9-5 job and a mountain of other responsibilities.
I believe that God blesses us by placing people outside of our family in our lives to give us a special type of love and support. This is love that is given freely; not because we share the same blood. This is acceptance and respect for the woman she is. True friends fall into this category. These are the friends who will remain your friend through good times and bad times. They will laugh with you, and encourage you to laugh at yourself. They will cry with you and then go home and cry as they pray for you. During lean times, you will both go through your pantries and split the food to make it stretch until payday. There is no shame; just understanding. There is genuine joy when the friend reaches her goals and lives her dreams. There is no envy; just an enormous feeling of pride. When she makes a choice that you feel is not in her best interest, or is in a relationship that is obviously bad for her, you will respect that ultimately, the choice is hers. You will not judge your friend, you will simply be there for her, for as long as she needs you. You will keep her covered in prayer as she finds her way out of one of life's many valleys; just as she has done for you.
It takes a while for me to allow a person close enough to become a friend. Building a solid friendship is important enough for me to take time to get to know the person. To date, I have made one mistake; lesson learned.
 There are five women in my life who I love as sisters. I have known them from five years to over thirty years. They range in age from mid 40's to mid 60's.  They have not all met each other, and it is unlikely they would be close friends. Their personalities are different, but they share core values. Each of these women have lifelong friends who are a part of their lives. I have been blessed to have met three of their mothers. Apples really don't fall far from the tree.
These women are beautiful, intelligent, kind, giving, compassionate, loyal, confident, creative and funny. Are they complex? Of course; they are grown women!
They are my friends, and they are indeed priceless!!

The Complexity of Friendship Between Women

For the most part, men are more loyal to other men than women are to each other. I find this interesting since men seem to be reluctant to form strong bonds with other men. Perhaps what I view as reluctance is merely caution. Men seem to form lasting friendships between childhood friends or someone who has shared a common interest or experience.
Women are more open to bonding with women who they simply find interesting. If they can relate to each other beyond just being women, well,,, all the better. Women are not afraid to build friendships with someone who has completely different life experiences.
Men will seldom even make a negative comment about another man, whether he is a friend or stranger; right or wrong. It is easier for them to stay 'neutral'. Men are pretty much free from accountability from their peers. Women are often guilty of rushing to judge almost anything regarding other women. The fact that we are so vocal has left men with the belief that we are constantly at odds. Is this true?? Food for thought...
Does this attitude affect our friendships? Probably. We have the natural instinct to want the best for those we love.  We also tend to believe that we happen to know what that 'best' is. Of course, this simply is not true. As with any adult relationship, the words " You need to...." is a bad choice to use when discussing most serious topics. Yes, even if they ask you. If you really know your friend, you will know how to talk to her. Most grown women will ultimately follow their own heart. Often the best support is simply to listen; no matter hard that might be. The words listen and silent share the same letters.  I deeply regret the times when I have not followed my own rule. Prayer is always okay for any situation..
Friendships can be much like seasons; they begin, stay long enough to learn/teach life lessons, and then they end.  This is a part of the 'growing' process. In order to grow, there must be change.
It seems to be quite challenging for some women to recognize when a friendship becomes toxic.   Ending a friendship can be a traumatic experience. It has been said that people always tell/show you who they really are; believe them. If they have no loyalty to their other 'friends', take the time to figure out if she has any real loyalty to you. Friends can be controlling, negative and jealous of your friendship with other women. A friend who cares nothing about saying or doing something to hurt your feelings is not your friend. Negative attitudes will drain your spirit with vampire-like speed..,
A friendship provides different things to each person; often at different times If there comes a time when you question whether the experience is worth the effort because it has become too much work, it is time to take inventory and conduct an audit. What is your definition of a friend?. Don't forget to look at yourself during this process.
The value of true friendship never wavers.....it will always remain priceless.

The Rewards of Freedom

  For me, the celebration of June 19 and July 4 are of equal importance. The blood shed and lives lost on American soil and off has (is) been a high price to pay for the freedom so many people take for granted. The simple fact that I can openly share my personal view here, today,,is just one of example of that freedom. No matter how we got here,,we are here. This is my home and there is no other place in the world I would rather be. We have the freedom to love this country and accept it as  it is; or we have the freedom to love this country enough to make changes to make it even better. The huge socio-economic gaps within our country will always be a source of discontent for many. The liberal and conservative views will always clash; the ongoing strife makes money for both sides. When someone finally figures out that most people simply want to have a decent life, perhaps the real dialogue will begin and productive action will be taken. Perhaps. Every person should exercise their right to vote. That right is one of those freedoms where blood was shed,,on American soil. People are often hostile toward people who have chosen not to vote. Why?  It is quite possible that they would have voted against the person you voted for. Besides, it really is their choice; which is also a freedom. Instead of giving the impression that you believe you have superior intellect and social consciousness, talk to the person. Share your views and ask them to share theirs.  Maybe both of you will learn something. It is also important that we invest time and care into our communities. Positive input encourages positive change. What can you do to make a real difference in the lives of others?  You have the freedom to make it happen.....

Identifying and Preserving the Legacy of Black Women

I love being a Black woman. It is an honor to be all that this represents. Our love for our families, our loyalty and our intense need to protect our own can be seen and felt throughout the gene pools of most black families. Our people's ability to hold onto our dignity while enduring unspeakable hardships was a direct gift from God that was much like armor that aided in our survival. Fast forward to the present. It is still not easy to be either a Black man or Black woman. It is not necessary to pull 'out a race card'. It simply is what it is. Much progress has been made; but some mindsets are so deeply rooted, they will never change; from either side. Again, it is what it is. One of the anchors of these mindsets are the stereotypes that have been in place for so long.The painful fact that we are guilty of providing unlimited fodder to strengthen those views of who we are as a people is frightening. As women, we are often judged by the behavior of other women who look like us. Is it fair?? Of course not; but then, life has never been fair. .
The media provides us with information and entertainment. So, if it is not entertainment, should we assume it is considered information?? What genre does the' Housewives of ,,anything fit'?? As 'Reality', does that mean truth??  I started watching them a few years ago before there were any shows focusing on women of color. I was a little excited when they announced the new arrivals. I am always supportive of our people being given the opportunity to do well. I admit that I found the relationships between the privileged white women to be interesting. I will go so far as to say  somewhat enlightening. Reality, right?? However, I am left speechless and ashamed by the antics of the beautiful Black women on' their' shows. They can have complete ownership because no matter how great they think they look, dress, or live; it means nothing if their behavior drops to this level. So, I wll not watch another episode. But what about young impressionable women who yearn to be like these women??   What about the people who use the media to learn about who we 'really' are??  ( Yes, I have questioned myself as to why I was interested in any of the shows. What was I really looking for?) We must be careful of the choices we make. We must respect and appreciate the sacrifices made by those before us. We must fully embrace the gifts of dignity and survival that God gave our people. We must honor and preserve our legacy of being Black women by,,doing better.                                                     

Identifying and Preserving the Legacy of Black Women

I love being a Black woman. I could make the statement more dramatic, but there is no need. I honestly could never imagine being anyone else. I am honored by everything that defines me as such. In all of my years, I have only met one woman who said she wished she had been born white. The year was 1973; during a time when it was 'okay' to be Black, and I was appalled by her statement. I grew up in a community filled with women who carried themselves with pride and dignity. This attitude was so prevelant, it did not actually have to be taught; it just,,was. It did not matter if a woman left her house each morning to go and raise someone else's children, cook their meals, and clean their houses, she carried presented herself as a 'lady'. It did not matter if the people she worked for shared her view or not. I believe that God blessed our people by making it possible for them to hold onto their dignity and become stronger even in the midst of slavery. This attitude was an invisible piece of armor that aided in ultimate survival. Black women

The Importance of Personal Style at Any Age

In a society where your worth as a person is often determined by your choice of clothing or hairstyle, being true to your personal style is not an easy task. Finding a way to make that happen is certainly worth the effort. Most women know what they like and what looks good on them. The key is having the confidence to stay true to who you are. I have never understood why anyone would strive so hard to look like everyone else. My experience with style was confusing at best. I did not have the confidence to even explore what my style might be. When I was a young married woman, my choice of clothing was not always my own, so it was often a nightmare. I covered up assets that I did not realize I had. I was almost 50 years old before I enjoyed the experience of shopping for myself. I am not in any way concerned about what others think of my choices. Most women are comfortable sharing their thoughts regarding clothing choices of women who are plus size like myself. Ironically, when I was young, and quite 'fine', I missed the chance to enjoy what that means. Now, I have the confidence to accept and fully appreciate myself as a 61 year old plus size woman. When I was a teenager I loved The Patty Duke Show; mainly because of the clothes. Money was certainly always an issue, but Harris's on Main Street carried a line of clothing that was styled similar to Bobbie Brooks, only cheaper. I have always loved penny loafers ( high shine of course!) and they were always affordable. Add a couple of pleated skirts and cute sweaters and all was well. My present style leans toward dressy casual with a little bit of edge. It works quite well for me.  A woman can feel and look sexy at any age and still be age appropriate....whatever that means to you. I am a firm believer that the real issue is being tastefully dressed in an outfit of your choice. Rules and guiidelines are silly. Period. Why should I be afraid to wear white after September 1.??  If someone is offended, well,,,turn away and keep moving. Or, someone happens to think I am too dark to wear red??  Right..  I happen to love shoes, and I am convinced that there is a genetic connection because my baby cares nothing about clothes, but is addicted to shoes. I love it!!. So ladies, find items that make you smile. Embrace pieces that makes you feel good about,,you!

Greatest Challenges of Being Over 60 and Single

Generally, it is much easier for women to accept being older and alone than it is for men. Ironically, it seems to be easier for men to find a mate than it is for women. Why? After much dialogue with women between the ages of 55-75 from various backgrounds and socio-economic levels, the general conclusion is the same: men of the same age group are looking for potential mates under the age of 55. Is 55 a magic number? Not exactly, but if people are comfortable thinking 45 is the middle point of life, perhaps 55 is the midpoint before you officially reach the elderly stage.

 Women over the age of 40 are looking for maturity, stability, and security. Men over the age of 55 are looking for someone to make them appear and feel younger. Men do not want to be reminded of the undeniable issues of getting older. The possibility of ending up with a wife who might not be healthy is a constant reminder of the possible burden of her future care, plus the face of their own mortality. This is sad for several reasons but the fact that most women will do whatever they have to do in order to take care of anyone they love, makes it even sadder.

The next challenge is one of our own making. I strongly suspect that although younger women have much to say about how strong they are,,,,,,well, we shall see.

 Collectively, we have given men the freedom to do pretty much whatever they want to do regarding relationships. For each woman who refuses to accept certain behavior from a man, there are five women who will; mainly because she does not want to be alone.
This seems to cover all age groups.
Society has conditioned women to believe that if they are not in a relationship, that woman has to be deficient in some way.
This is both ridiculous and dangerous.

Women who stay in abusive relationships are led to believe they are to blame for the actions of the abuser. The same is true whether he calls you fat and lazy or breaks your arm; it is still abuse. Another topic for another day.

 The physical appearance of a man's woman is as important to some (men) as the mechanics of his penis. This mindset can become quite a burden for older women who are not comfortable in this season of their lives.

To be judged and put down by your male peers makes life harder. Confidence in who you are is almost a survival tool as we face the changes in our bodies. Changes that some men are oblivious to when it comes to themselves.
 Thirty years ago, a friend of mine said that men apparently only look at themselves in hand mirrors. Women are also much more forgiving when it comes to the appearance of men. By the time a woman is 40 she understands that if the man loves her and treats her well, his round tummy is actually pretty sexy. 
The amazing woman who raised me was my maternal grandfathers aunt. She was over 50 when I was born. However, she was concerned about her personal style and how she looked until she died at 95. The same is true for a friend's mother who celebrated her 100th birthday dressed ,,in style and looking quite beautiful. Interestingly, both women were named Mattie, both loved themselves, and both looked at least 25 years younger than their actual age. I personally believe that these women were blessed to have had men in their lives who genuinely loved them,,,just the way they were.
Even after their husbands died, their love for themselves, and their assurance of God's love allowed them to be thankful for each day of their life.,,,,,even in their singleness.

If you are single, whatever your age happens to be, try to understand that this is exactly where you are supposed to be at this time in your life. Embrace all that God has for you,,today.
Use this time to grow in your relationship with God and yourself.
Strive to stay within His will,,,for you.
Never stop growing.
Never stop dreaming...

Over 60 and Single

Being a 61 year old 'forever romantic' who also happens to be single is quite a challenge. Embracing my singleness is an ongoing process.  I am deeply touched even with the idea of loving a man who will return my love. For women over the age of 50, the chances of finding true love is slim; over 60? well, we will just say that the chances are a great deal slimmer. When I read or hear about an older woman who is in a genuine relationship with a man who is not afraid to love them, I am thrilled for both of them. Their level of maturity and wisdom should help them to really 'get it right'. Even seeing a facebook status change to 'in a relationship', warms my romantic heart. I am so very thankful that God did not allow my past hurt and present state of being single bring me any grief when faced with the joy of others. For me, this is nothing short of yet another miracle He has placed in my life. Too often, people want others to be as miserable as they are.  Being rejected is one of the most painful experiences for the human spirit. Another person never has the right or power to define who we are. The experience of God's love and acceptance of me has brought me joy beyond any possible comparison. So, how do I feel about being 'by myself' ( not alone) at this time in my life??  There are times when the simple fact that I am only responsible for myself is greatly appreciated. Then, there are those times when I long for that special intimate caring that should be a natural part of loving someone.(You know, a simple inquiry about how the person is feeling, is a good example). When we are faced with life changing events, having that special person to just hold you is something that most people take for granted. There was a time when simple family gatherings seemed to highlight the fact that I came alone and I would also leave alone. Thankfully, that time has long passed. I am not afraid of being by myself for the remainder of my life; I am also not ashamed to admit that I will continue to pray that God will place the man of His choice firmly in my life.  God has filled the voids in my life with His love, but there are spaces in my heart and spirit that I would love to have occupied. In the meantime, I will continue to embrace the gift of contentment. My contentment gives me the ability and strength to accept whatever God's will happens to be.