The Fragments of Love.....Chapter 10 ~~'The Pain of Confession'~~/ A Story by Sammye Kaye

VANESSA CALUMET
~~the wife~~

9:30 p.m.

The evening has been surreal. From the moment Marcus walked through the door, I have felt as if I am in the midst of an out of body experience. He looked painfully handsome, and I just wanted to run to him and feel his arms pull me close. I was instantly reminded how safe and secure I have always felt while in his arms.
As I looked into his eyes, I can also see the presence of sadness. This stark reality takes my breath away.

All three of the' little' babies ran to meet their Pop-Pop. The grown-up babies are close behind their children. Mama Tia and I waited until the noise level slightly return to normal.
Marcus walked over to his mother and hugged her before he reached for me
.
God, his arms felt so good!

As his arms tightened, so did my heart. I had to pull away, before I fell apart; literally.
In my heart, I knew that I might never feel his arms around me in quite the same way.

MARCUS CALUMET
~~the husband~~

9:30 p.m.

Dakota and the twins drove my mother home. By the time they returned, Kelly, Bethanny, and Gia were ready to leave. I walked outside and watched my children drive away.

I take a deep breath before I go back inside to face the huge elephant that has been patiently waiting in the middle of the room.

I stand in the doorway of the kitchen and watch my wife wipe a counter that is already clean..

Marcus: " Need any help?"

Vanessa: ( slightly startled, and without turning around) " No! No, thank you. I'm almost done."

Marcus: ( silently watches as her body visibly tightens with tension) "Okay. I'm going to take my shower."

Vanessa: "Okay, I'll be up soon."

I turn and slowly walk up the stairs.
When I enter our suite, I am surprised that it doesn't feel, somehow different. It should feel different because nothing is the same.
Nothing.
My wife is unable to look into my eyes. She is nervous; almost afraid. And yes, her entire body seems to be filled with deep sadness. Very much, I would say, like my own.
 I take a long, hot soothing shower. I am drying off when I notice the prescription pill bottle sitting on the counter.
I pick up the almost empty bottle and note the date. The type of medication does not ring a bell, but an unexpected cold chill runs up and down my back.

I asked God to please help me to handle both myself and this situation according to His will.
Please Lord..

I put on the robe that is rarely used, but is always hanging behind the door and walked over to the desk in the sitting area.
My mind went into protect mode after the words 'most commonly used for the treatment of chlamydia' leaped into my vision.
Oh, I finished reading most of the information.
I even forced myself to look at the disturbing pictures.
I was now,,, numb.

I don't remember shutting down the computer, or getting dressed. But, that is exactly what I did.
The suite is large enough to have a tiny kitchenette as well as a comfortable sitting area equipped with a large television and sound system.
I made a cup of instant coffee, sat at the small table and waited for my wife to come upstairs.
I looked at the bedside clock and realized almost 90 minutes had passed.
Seemed more like a lifetime..

VANESSA CALUMET
~~the wife~~

11:30 p.m.

I had made myself a cup of strong black coffee. I sat down and tried to calm my nerves. I have no choice bet to tell Marcus tonight.
He will expect to make love, and that is simply not possible.
I would rather die than expose him to this, this disease.
I can feel the tears start to fall when something stops them.
For the first time, I feel the compelling need to pray. I put the coffee on the kitchen table and get down on my knees right there on the cold kitchen floor.

When I finally pulled myself up from the floor and looked at the clock, it was 11:30.
I rinsed out my cup, turned out the lights, checked the alarm and headed for the stairs.

When I entered the room, I was surprised not to see Marcus already in bed. When I walked into the kitchen area and saw him sitting at the table, fully dressed and holding the pill bottle, I took a deep breath and slowly sat down in the other chair.

When Marcus is angry, he has the ability to put up a visible hood, or barrier over his eyes. In all of our years together, I have only seen this happen twice, and neither were connected to me; until now. He shut me out, so I could not see his pain, but when love is deep enough, you can feel the pain of the person you love.
His pain surrounded him like a shroud.

As hard as it was, I force myself to look into his eyes. He deserves nothing less.

Marcus: " Apparently, we need to talk."

Vanessa:  (sighing deeply) " I need to talk. You haven't done anything wrong. Marcus, you are the best husband that,,

Marcus: (holding up one hand) "Vanessa! Stop! Obviously, this conversation is going to be difficult for both of us. There will be cause and time for a wide range of gut wrenching emotions.
 But, please, spare me the bullshit!"

Vanessa: "I contracted chlamydia on the cruise."

For Marcus, actually hearing her say the words, cut deep into the core of his heart.
Marcus: " I have one question before you go any further. Did you take this person with you on your cruise?"

Vanessa: (surprised) " No! Why on earth would you ever think that?"

Marcus:( quietly) "Why would I not? You plan a cruise that you purposely did not tell me about. A cruise that you knew I would not want to go on, even if my work schedule permitted. You did not want me to accompany you on your cruise. Please do not add more insult to the situation by denying the basic facts."

Vanessa: "Marcus, I did not plan to lie. Now, I have to admit to myself that I did want to go alone. I did not go on the cruise expecting to do anything except spend some time by myself. I don't know why Marcus! (tears are streaming down her face)  The last year has been hell for me. Not because of anything you have done. I have felt as if I have been watching my life from a distance. I have felt completely disconnected from myself and everyone else.!"

He silently watches as her body trembles from her crying.

Vanessa: sighing) " I spent the entire first week of the cruise sleeping. I didn't even dress for dinner. I had convinced myself that you had abandoned me and,,,

Marcus: "Abandoned!? I was alone in a tiny motel room, eating take-out, sleeping less than six hours at night. My days were spent dealing with death and fear!"  "How in,,

Vanessa: " My rational mind understands that Marcus! I was delusional, okay? I know now that I was being crazy! Marcus, you know I have always supported you in your work! I don't know what was wrong with me! "I'm sorry, but I just don't know!"

Again, he silently waits while she calms down.

Vanessa:" By the second week, I was rested enough to leave the cabin. I had missed most of the shore time, but I didn't really mind. The last couple of nights were highlighted with special performances in the club."
"One night, this man bought me a drink. I thought it would be okay to sit and talk. Apparently, one drink turned into enough to get me drunk. I don't remember much after that except him walking me back to the cabin."( She would never be able to tell him the details of how much she remembered.)

Marcus: ( softly) "Much."  "You don't remember much."

Vanessa: " I woke up with a blinding headache and,,,"

Marcus: ( looking at her closely) " And, 'what' Vanessa?"

Vanessa: ( crying softly) " When I managed to get into the bath tub, I felt a burning sensation. That is when the reality of what I had done hit me. When I looked, I saw tiny bite marks around my groin area."

The room is silent for a full minute.

Marcus: (deadly softness) " So, he branded you."

Vanessa: " That is the term my doctor used. The symptoms from the chlamydia began a few days after I returned from the trip. I have two more days before the treatment is complete".

Vanessa: (looking directly into his veiled eyes) " Marcus, I would rather die than hurt you. There is absolutely no excuse for what I did. I know that if the tables were turned, I would want to kill you for hurting me this way. I don't have the words to tell you how sorry I am. But please, even if you now hate me, please Marcus, please believe that I am deeply sorry. I would give anything to have the chance to go back in time."

Marcus: " Well, now see Vanessa, killing you would perhaps be easier at this point in time, but that is not be an option for me. I don't hate you for the same reason. You see, I love you. The choice that you made, for whatever reason, does not negate my love.
My love is stronger than your choice".

"It is your love Vanessa,  that is in question. You knew that something heavy was going on within your spirit. You ignored any suggestions that anything was wrong and that you might need help. You neither loved yourself, or those of us who love you to find a solution to what was becoming a real problem in  your overall behavior".

"Before I came home, I asked God to help me handle whatever is fragmenting our lives; our love.
He is answering my prayer. Something has died inside of me Vanessa, but it is not my love.
Honestly, I feel like breaking everything in this house, except you.
You have managed to do a pretty good job of that yourself.
Right now, I don't have the strength nor the desire to help you deal with that".

Marcus gets up and walks into the sleeping area and picks up his keys.

Marcus: " I am going to the ranch. I will check on you tomorrow."

He looks at her intently for a moment before he leaves the room.

Tears have been steadily flowing from Vanessa's eyes. She doesn't begin to sob loudly until she hears the muted sound of the alarm being reset.
She suddenly realizes that she did not tell him how much she loves him.
Lord, please help me!

Before he drives away, Marcus picks up the phone and dials a number.

Lena: " Well, hi stranger! I hope you are not calling to tell me you did not like my food!"

Marcus: (quietly) " Of course not, you know your food is always delicious. I need you to do me big favor. Vanessa needs you. I would appreciate it if you could come out here and stay with her tonight."

Lena is silent; but quickly recovers and speaks..
Lena:  " Okay. I'm on my way. Marcus, are you okay?"

Marcus: " I've been better. Thank you Lena."

12:45 a.m.

As he hangs up the phone, he looks at the clock.
One hour, sixty minutes, and his life has changed forever.
By the time he reaches the expressway, his tears have started to flow.


Chapter 11.....The Aftermath

The Fragments of Love.....Chapter 9~~The Homecoming~~ / A Story by Sammye Kaye

VANESSA CALUMET
~~the wife~~

10:00 a.m.
Last night I woke up every hour on the hour. This has been 'my normal' for the last few weeks. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. I am also fully aware that I look like hell. Which of course, should not be surprising, since I have been residing in my own personal hell now for several weeks.

My husband will be home today.

The fact that our lives will never be the same weighs heavy on my heart and soul.

I returned to my doctor last week for a follow-up. I will not be 'clean' for two more days. Lord, how horrible and nasty that sounds! I actually have two doses of medication left to complete the treatment of the chlamydia.
The bite marks have almost completely faded, but there are tiny scars that almost form a pattern.
My husband has always loved to look at my body. He knows my body well enough to notice even the slightest change. My scars are not slight; he will know.

I have been simply going through the motions of living. I went to the hair salon yesterday. And not surprisingly, my stylist asked if I had been sick. I answered her truthfully by replying that yes, I had not been feeling well. I even took the time to get my nails done.

I have only barely managed to avoid most of my family. I have pretended to be involved in a new project. Who am I kidding? I did not pretend; I blatantly lied. Just as I lied to Marcus when he noticed a difference in my voice and suggested that I see my doctor to make sure I am okay. I told him that I was still tired from the trip, and after calling my doctor, she had prescribed extra vitamins.
It is true that once you start lying, the process becomes easier. I even added unnecessary embellishments.

Who have I become?

I have started hormone treatments, and I can already feel the difference. I no longer feel as if I am locked in a cage with no way out.
I am also faced with the cold, shameful facts of exactly what I have done.

My love for Marcus has almost become a physical pain. I miss him so much I want to just,,scream.
I am reaping what I have sown, and he doesn't even know what I have done yet.

But, he will know; because I must tell him.

I asked the kids to come over tonight because I need time to gather my courage. If they are here when he arrives, I can postpone what could well be the end of my marriage.

I was going to prepare most of his favorite dishes, but I don't want to blemish what are loving memories for both of us. We love to cook together and for each other.
Lena, who is an executive chef, will bring over food for the dinner.

5:00 p.m.

My babies have arrived, and the noise level is loud and comforting. The twins are playing with the toys they keep in their rooms upstairs as if it is Christmas. I had forgotten I had added a few new ones. Gia is walking around the family room talking on her phone, and the adults are catching up on the past few days of events.
I look around the room with a heart that is filled with gratitude.
How could I have made a choice that could disrupt the security and closeness of my beloved family?

My phone rings. Marcus will be home in 30 minutes.

MARCUS CALUMET
~~the husband~~

5:25 p.m.

I am a little surprised to see my kids cars in the driveway. Actually, more than a little surprised. Usually, if I am gone over 24 hours, Vanessa and I will spend at least five of the next 24 hours in bed , or somewhere, making love.
If I am honest with myself, I have not exactly been in a state of heavy desire. Our phone conversations have been foreign and strained, which suggests that she feels the same.

Okay...
 It is always a joy to see my children, so that will be my focus at the moment.

As I get out of the car, I look at the house that our love has turned into a place overflowing with comfort and peace. A place of rest and repair as we face the challenges of our lives.

My job has made me understand how much of a blessing it is to be able to come home. The last few weeks of seeing first hand how many people left home going about their daily routine, never again having the opportunity to return home, will stay with me forever.

 Once again I thank God for this blessing that so many people take for granted.
I also ask Him for the strength to deal with the changes that are glaringly present in my world.

The Fragments of Love.....Chapter 8~~"Are We Not a Part of This Family?!" Bethanny Speaks~~/ A Story by Sammye Kaye

BETHANNY CALUMET
~~the daughter~~

It is not always easy being the youngest child in the family, even if there are only two children. Oh, I love being the 'baby',, the problem arises when I am often the last person to know what is going on. Okay, that is probably stretching the facts a little, but I am extremely frustrated. The fact that my 'always has the answer' big brother is avoiding my calls, is adding fear to the mix.

To say that my family is close would be a huge understatement. To say that my parents are in love would only be a preface.
They are deeply in love.
They adore each other.
They are rarely apart except for work and emergencies.

So, why does it feel as if our world is about to change,,forever??

My mother is more hyper than usual; which is sorta scary. This cruise was a total surprise to me, and my mother plans everything months in advance.I received exactly two calls from her while she was on her trip. My mother normally calls me five out of every seven days. The first week was almost a vacation from her never ending questions and suggestions regarding how I should live my life.

I talked to my daddy three times during the first week he was gone, but he sounded so tired, well,,almost sad, I ended up calling him every night. I could not ignore the fact that we discussed every topic except,,my mother.
And yes, I am without any doubt, my daddy's baby girl.

Something is very, very wrong.

I am the single parent of an amazing thirteen year old daughter. Gia is the light of my life. My experience as a single mother has never been the struggle it can be for most women.
 I am truly blessed.
While my daughter's father was a huge disappointment, and my heart and spirit were damaged, my baby was worth every challenge that God brought us through.

My entire family surrounded me with unconditional love. However, my parents and my brother were so protective, it was a combination of scary and amusing.
I told my daddy, my brother, and my mother; in that order. By the time I talked to my mother, I was a complete wreck. Not because my daddy or my brother were not understanding, they were so loving and compassionate, I felt even more guilty for letting them down. I found out later just how much anger they directed toward my daughter's father. My daddy has learned to tolerate him, and my brother ignores him. My brother named my daughter and has always been her champion, so she doesn't seem to mind. My brother has always been my hero and I have always been his protector.
Yes, I did say protector..
I remember telling my mother how sorry I was for disappointing her. She smiled and pulled me into her arms and said that she was not disappointed in me, but she was disappointed for me.
She wanted my life to be perfect.
After we cried together, she told me that she was going to run me a bubble bath, and afterwards, we would sit down and form a plan for the next three years.
We stuck to the plan.

I had gotten pregnant during my sophomore year of college. With the support of my family, I graduated with my class. My graduation gifts were a total surprise. My parents bought me two three bedroom townhouses in  a brand new development. One for our home, and one for rental property.
Dakota and I had to work and save our money while we were growing up. Some of the money was used to buy investment property for our future. We had to participate in all aspects of ownership, to learn the basic levels of responsibility, from general upkeep, to paying the taxes.
I had received a substantial number of academic scholarships for college. That amount of money was placed in my savings.
My gift from my brother was a new SUV of my choice. He was amused when I picked a Honda Pilot.
I still own the yellow 65 Mustang my daddy 'sold' me when I was in the 10th grade. Gia was getting a little cramped, but I love my car. Gia believes she is getting my car for her 16th birthday. She is in for a big surprise. She has been 'working' on the ranch for the last two summers. Perhaps her Pop-Pop will 'sell' her one...

Upon graduation, I immediately entered Grad school. Education has always been my passion. I am now an Instructional Specialist-Reading Ed.S.  I could never have made my dreams into reality without the love and support of my family.
I also own a Non-Profit Org. that specializes in Reading. It is called 'Magic Carpet'. We offer free reading workshops in communities where test scores are lowest.

Building and sustaining a family is difficult at best. It takes God, prayer, and fortitude to hold the family unit together.
It is easy to forget just how easy it is to take the blessing of family for granted.

Never again.
I don't know exactly what is wrong, but the threat is real.
I can feel it in my heart....