Saved,,Single,,and Still Waiting On God? / A Woman's Perspective

I was shopping a few weeks ago in one of my favorite stores.  I shop there often enough for this particular sales person to recognize me when I enter the store. During the course of our conversation, she asked how my day was going. I answered by saying that I had just taken myself to a very nice lunch, and was now finishing my special day with a quick purchase for myself.

She surprised me by stating how much she would love to have the nerve to go to a restaurant alone to have a meal. I knew from an earlier conversation that this attractive, well dressed woman was my age. As I looked closer, I realized that she felt pretty strongly about this topic. She went on to say that she had been divorced over 20 years and she felt there was a stigma attached to a woman dining alone.

In the short time available, I encouraged her to start with breakfast, and slowly work her way up to dinner in a fine restaurant,,alone.

On the drive home, I flashed back to the first time I put on one of my favorite outfits; including sexy shoes,, and accessories, and took myself to dinner. On my way, I stopped by the bookstore and purchased a new book. I did not open the book, but I did take out my always present pad and pen to jot down a few story ideas.
Any looks that came my way, I assumed were because I looked, well,,,lovely.
The evening was very enjoyable.

The period of time that a woman is single can be one of the most meaningful times in her life.
A woman can choose just how she wants to spend this time.

She must first accept that she is at this point in her life,, for a reason....not as punishment.
She will have to trust God enough to seek contentment,,, where she is.
 It is not easy to be alone,,,there,, I said it again, and it is not a dirty word.
It is not a word that should bring feelings of disappointment and grief.

Real sadness is to be married,,and alone.

A time of singleness is a time to focus on the person you are, or perhaps the person you want to be.
Use this time to fully accept and understand that you are a whole person....just as you are.
Strive to make that person better,,,for God's purpose.

Again, it is not easy living in a society where being a real woman, means being a part of a couple.
A woman will often find herself feeling the need to justify why she is not married or in a committed relationship.
*Relationships and marriage demand hard work. Other women will sometimes try to build themselves up by constantly telling other women how great their marriage is.
 Remember,,,women who do have great marriages rarely feel the need to,,,,brag about it. It is what it is.


Even a confident, well established, successful woman can feel societal pressure that will threaten the core of who she is.

Take all of your feelings straight to God.
He understands and knows,,all there is to know about you

Use this time to fine tune your passions.
It is through your passions that you will find your purpose.(s)

Take the time to study God's word, in order to learn more about Him, and what He expects from you.

Fall deeply and unconditionally in love with yourself..
Only then will you recognize genuine love,,,when He finds you.

God will only provide the very best for his children..
Put away your calendar and wait patiently for Him to do just that.

Ask God for the desires of your heart..
Trust the fact that He loves you enough to always answer your prayers..
At just the right time..
In just the right way..
All,,according to His will.

Waiting On God / A Woman's Perspective

I have always been a patient person. The sad truth is that since I had little expectations from people, being patient was easy.
On March 9, 2000, I dedicated myself to God,,, as an adult.
Oh, I was baptized at the age of 12 on Mother's Day, because that is what I was expected to do.
In my mid 30's during challenging financial times, I once again turned to God. Since I always thought of myself as a very nice and decent person, I honestly did not feel that I needed much changing in my life. I had always willingly helped others and tried to treat people in a manner in which I wanted to be treated. The only guilt I sometimes felt was the fact that I was not active in a church. At that time, the behavior of most church folks did not make me feel as if I was missing much. When I visited different churches, I left feeling as if I would never have enough money to become a member.

On that dreary March day in 2000, everything was different.
I felt as if every part of me had died. I turned to God because I literally had no where else to turn.
He lifted me up out of a pit of despair and gave me a new life.
My life has been filled with miracles and the wonder of God's grace. It took a little time, just a little,,for me to realize that God loves me just as I am. It took much longer for me to learn how to love myself.

Unlike my life before, I asked God for His guidance. I knew that God had always been present in my 'other' life, but this time I placed Him in His rightful place,,,,FIRST.

The years have passed quickly. Some days have been quite a challenge, but most have been much like an adventure.
All have been filled with the assurance of God's amazing unconditional love,,for me.

For the first time, I discovered the joy of allowing myself to dream.
It takes a lot of faith to dream at the age of 50.
But,,,God told me that my heart did not have to troubled, and I did not have to be afraid because the best is yet to come..
The year I turned 55 was exceptionally hard. My health took a nose dive and I felt that I would never live my dreams. For an entire year, I struggled with where my life was, or at least appeared to be.
But,,,I made it; stronger in my faith than ever before.

* I do not believe that God will give His children anything that is not best for them; even if we ask. We do have the free will to go off on our own to get something that might not be in our best interest.
Free will has life altering power,,,use wisely.
We must strive to gain enough faith to understand that God will provide us with what we need and desire at just the right time,,,if it is His will.
It is not His will; we do not need it, and He will not provide it.
He is our Father,,,He knows what is best for His children.

I learned early into this journey that in order for me to give my feelings to God, I had to recognize and acknowledge what those feelings are. There are none too heavy, or too small. Of course, He already knows, but it feels good to 'talk to my Father' because I know without any doubt that He hears me.

Thankfully, I now realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life.
God has filled my life with people who genuinely love and accept me for who I am.
I now realize that today,,,,right now,,,this is the best,,,for me.

I now wait with anticipation, expectation, and hope,,,for whatever God might still have for me.
Look at how long He waited on me.
Because,,
God's love is forever.

The Flip Side of Holiday Cheer / A Woman's Perspective

Throughout much of the world, this day is celebrated with joy and thanks. The birth of Jesus is reason enough to be joyful and filled with thanks,,everyday.

Unfortunately, for many people, the fact that the celebration of Christmas has been taken over by material trappings has made this a day of sadness. The takeover did not happen over night. It has been moving swiftly along for quite a few years.

The focus on living large and well, is now deeply rooted in the holiday season. From the best decorations for the home, and the most elaborately decorated tree to the most expensive and perhaps most coveted gifts for the entire family.

Each person has the right to celebrate in the manner of their choice.

But,,, what about the people who are unable to provide even the smallest of gifts for their children.
Sure, the child might receive something from an agency or a kind hearted person, but how does the parent feel deep inside?

What about the person who has no family or close friends to share this day that is almost designed for families?

What about that person who has no home?
They will stand in a long line to receive a hot meal.
But, what about tomorrow?

What about the people who have family, but their family has no interest in their well being?
Perhaps they have outlived their spouse and peers, and now sit quietly in a facility simply waiting to die.
Their family members are "uncomfortable around old people, because they don't have anything important to say" or " because they smell bad!"
Perhaps if you drop by for a visit, you could take a nice scented body wash. Everyone appreciates feeling clean and fresh.

What about the aunt or uncle that used to buy you gifts and make you laugh, but since your mother, his sister,, has passed away, you just don't think about visiting any of the old people any more; you are much too busy."
I mean, after all, you regularly visit the church sponsored retirement home with the Mission Society.

Roughly twenty years ago, an older woman came to live with her son who lived two houses down from mine. She was a tall, sweet, soft spoken woman who was also a retired nurse. She was there during the time my Momma lived with me. She was not even close to Momma's age but she would come to my house and they would talk about the Bible.
I soon noticed that she was walking to the Catholic church in the neighborhood everyday for noon mass. We lived in the back of the subdivision, and the church was located at the entrance. She declined my offer to drive her.
Soon after, she shared her story with me. She had been married over 20 years to the father of her son and daughter. They were deep and active in the Baptist church. Her husband abruptly left her for a fellow church member. She felt betrayed by both the man and the church. She made the decision to join the Catholic church.  She did not tell me that she had a mental breakdown.

A few months later, at the beginning of the holiday season, she apparently had a relapse. The neighbor on the other side of their house found her standing outside in the rain. She had been standing outside for several hours before anyone saw her. Her daughter told the neighbor that the holiday season was a very bad time for her mother.
It was a very sad situation.

A few years later, I saw her at the clinic where I worked. She seemed glad to see me. I know that I was genuinely glad to see her. She was living with her daughter, and she looked quite well.
Sadly, a couple of months later, the person over the group she was a part of, came to my office and told me she had passed away.
It was not during the holidays, and I prayed that she was in a peaceful place.

Recognizing and being thankful for our blessings is what God expects us to do.
Good things in life are blessings that are not always guaranteed for life...
God also expects us to pray for and help those who are less fortunate....
At all times.

Memories of Christmas Morning / A Woman's Perspective

It is impossible for me to think of Christmas morning without a stroll down memory lane. As I get older, my strolls provide a surprising sense of ,,comfort.

Honestly, I do not have what I view as a 'holiday mindset'. I am convinced that my childhood memories are so filled with being the only person washing the mound of dishes resulting from the huge family gatherings is the real reason.
I will admit that the 'experience of family' was almost worth the hours of work. Almost..

Our house was the designated gathering place. . I now understand how much work goes into a successful family function of any kind.The fact that Momma was the matriarch of our family was never in question. Being the youngest of her siblings gave her an interesting level of power. Her loyalty to her family; deserved or undeserved, helped hold the small group together.

 Time passed, and people passed away.
.
The gatherings ended, but a few of us still cherish the times we spent together.
Younger generations went about the business of forming their own traditions.

I did not truly appreciate the joy that comes from meaningful giving during Christmas until my children were born.
I waited with as much anticipation for the Sears Wish Book as they did. It was so much fun to watch them turn each page with bubbling excitement.

My children were complete opposites when it came to an appreciation for toys. My son had an active imagination that was highlighted by toys. His first word was 'car'. He loved Hot Wheel cars, any other type of car, race tracks, and all things related to an 'emergency' theme. From the  age of two, he wanted to be a fireman. He used the fence in the backyard to conduct rescue missions and fight fires. He would spend hours playing by himself. He also loved action figures and Star Wars,,,anything. It was easy to buy toys that he would enjoy.

Buying toys for my daughter was a challenge. Keeping the myth of Santa alive was an even greater challenge; she always looked at us with,, well, disbelief.
She liked paper, tablets, pens, pencils, shoes, and purses. I loved buying her different types of dolls. She had a doll representing all ethnicities. Her only interest in the dolls was to make them the students in her classroom. The only exception was her Big Bird. She also enjoyed her play kitchen. She would pretend to cook all day. She kept her Easy Bake Oven on a shelf in her closet until she became an adult. Her most fun was when she had the undivided attention of her big brother. At the age of four she declared that she would go to college, become a teacher, and have a maid to clean her house. She was serious.
Both of my children loved to read until they figured out that in some circles, reading was not always cool.
Interestingly, my son is into collecting First Editions and books of his favorite authors, and my daughter is a Fourth grade teacher who specializes in reading.

The joy I have received from my children has always been priceless. The look on their faces, even my little skeptic, made the giving side of Christmas a heart warming experience.
The same is true today. When they talk about their Christmas memories, a warm smile adds a sparkle to the light in their eyes.
This warms my heart..

They are forming their own traditions for their families, while including some from their childhood.

Mission accomplished..

Our memories are a part of the life garden we have sown.
Nurture your garden with love, understanding and forgiveness.
This will provide strength that the positive memories will need to reign over the negative.

The Silence Of An Angel's Tears / A Story by Sammye Kaye

It is difficult to describe the light shining through the windows in the small room. All of the windows are shaped like portals usually found in large ships. Amazingly, the light appears to meet at various points, sending gentle shimmers throughout the sparsely furnished space.

Micah has never shared with anyone his fascination with ships and water. He did not plan the layout of his room. When he arrived and opened the door to his quarters, the room was perfect for him.
Of course it would be nothing less. He is as thankful today, as he was so many years ago.

There is a gentle knock at the door..

Micah: " Come in Sarah."
He turns and looks closely at the tiny woman who slowly enters his room. Her beauty is as obvious as the thick silver gray braid that falls solidly past her waist. She often moves so quickly, it appears as if the braid will cause her to lose her footing.
This morning, her small body seems to be taken over by a blanket of,, sadness.

Sarah:  "Micah. Please forgive me for not declaring this a good morning. And before you chastise me for my total disgust for many of the actions of man, I must assure you that I accept the fact that I do not have to understand why such things are allowed to happen.!"

Micah: " Sarah, you have been told many times how difficult your job would be. It is not because we feel you are challenged in your ability to learn how to do your work, it is to try and prepare you for the basic trials and tribulations of your child's life. This is a part of the human experience. As you know, no matter how old your child becomes, he or she will always be a child in your heart. You enter the world with them, and you leave with them. You are their guardian angel".
"Why would you be chastised for feeling genuine love and compassion for one of God's children He has placed in your care?"

Micah: " Your job is not to change the course of their life. From birth, as babies, they can see and hear you. As they get older and begin to make life choices, although they can no longer see you, they will still sense your presence,,, if they can remain focused and on the right path. Your job is to remind them that are never totally alone."

They remain silent as they reflect on one of their most basic purposes....

Micah:  "This tragedy did not happen in your part of the world, did you assist in bringing the babies home?"

Sarah:  " Yes I did. Their angels could not protect them from the attack, but they were able to provide comfort for their spirits. The silent tears of angels flowed freely yesterday."
"It saddens me to say, that in my part of the universe, atrocities against children have almost become common place in far too many cultures. How horrible it has to be for a mother to live in an environment so dangerous, she does not expect all, if any, of her children to reach adulthood."

Micah: " It is indeed heart wrenching. I have spent years in every part of this beautiful world that God has created for His children to enjoy. One of the worst pains in the world of man, is the loss of a child. To lose a child to vile and evil acts is a pain that only God can truly comfort."

"God understands the magnitude of such pain because He watched His only begotten son die a slow and painful death .Because God knows the hearts of man, He knew how much pain and destruction man is capable of doing. He sacrificed the life of His son, to give man a chance to be saved from total destruction."

" I have seen man do unspeakable harm to each other; time and time again. I have seen man treat animals better than other human beings. I have seen them treat innocent children worse than the trash discarded from their homes."

"Sarah, even from this vantage point, even seeing God and His love everyday, even knowing that God's will must be done,,because He is God, I am still saddened beyond words by the acts of God's children. And yes, Sarah, we must never forget that they are all His children."

Sarah: (with a deep sigh) " I know Micah. I cried my tears before I came back. I cried along with those parents who got their children up, got them dressed, fed and dropped off at school. I cried along with the family members of the adults who went to work that morning probably thinking about how they would keep the children focused with the upcoming holiday looming ahead, or how much Christmas shopping they still had to finish. They probably thought about decorated houses and trees and gifts tucked away in various hiding places. Unlike the people in other parts of the world, they had no reason to fear the safety of their loved ones."

Sarah: " My crying is done; theirs is just beginning."

Micah:  " God's love is forever, Sarah. He will never give His children a heavier load than they can carry. If they seek Him, they will find Him standing right beside them. He will guide them along the path of comfort and healing, or He will carry them. He will never leave them, and if they live their lives according to His will, they will see their babies again."

Micah: " I looked in on the children when they first arrived. Are they still resting?"

Sarah: " Some of the older ones are up and about, excited about meeting new friends."
           " Oh, Micah, I wanted so much to try and assure the parents that the children would be fine.."

Micah: (smiling) " Only God can slowly and lovingly make them believe and understand that truth Sarah. They will greatly miss the warm hugs, laughter, and yes, even the occasional tears of their babies. It will take time to even think about how wonderful God will make their lives here in heaven. There will be no possibility for more fear, pain, confusion, or sickness. Just a forever love that will shower them with joy, peace, and God's grace."

Micah:  "God has lovingly welcomed His beautiful babies home."

On-Line Dating Over The Age of 50 / A Woman's Perspective

When my best friend first approached me with the idea of on-line dating, I was appalled. My first response was "Oh no! I am not that desperate!"  The fact that she is my best friend, finally made me listen to what she had to say.
The facts were pretty simple. I had been married for over 35 years to someone I met when I was 14 years old. I had now been divorced well over a year. Everyone in my world were aware that my knowledge of men could be placed inside a child's thimble.
So, why not??

I was also completely unaware of just how men saw me. By that time, although my confidence was growing, I was still feeling somewhat less than a desirable woman.

After a few months, I agreed to join a dating site without a picture. I was surprised by the response I received sight unseen. I was also surprised by how much I enjoyed reading the profiles of the men. I found them to be both interesting and entertaining.

After much not so gentle prodding, I allowed my friend to take pictures that could be added to the profile. I hate taking pictures. Those closest to me know that when I agree or choose to take pictures, something serious is going on inside my head.
I was bombarded with messages within ten minutes of posting the pictures. To say my confidence was given a boost would be an understatement.

On-line dating gave me the opportunity to take my time deciding who and when I wanted to meet someone. This was a perfect way for me to ease into the transition from married woman to unexpectedly single woman. Was I considered divorced or single? Were they one and the same?

On average, I would go out on a date every 4-5 months. Since I was up front about the fact that I did not believe in casual sex, I seldom dated anyone more than twice.
It is no surprise that men would balk at Steve Harvey's recommendation that women practice a 90 day rule for sex, when most men feel that after three dates, they should be,,justly rewarded??

I was fortunate enough to have serious dialogue with men willing to share their experiences in life; without ever meeting.
My profile included my interest in motorcycles. I was also interested in developing a story about a man who loved bikes, but lived a somewhat 'normal' professional life.
I actually met a well established computer programmer, who had been a biker since his Dad bought him his first Harley at 15. He was extremely handsome, surprisingly soft spoken, but he also a distinct edge that would have kept me from dating him. He had also been recently diagnosed with congestive heart failure. A few days before our interview, his daughter had been diagnosed with cancer.

Real people,,,real feelings,,real stories.

I also received a message from a man who stated that he would love to meet me, and perhaps he could buy me a motorcycle?/. Yes,,, well I smiled, and shared the message with a couple of friends and hit 'delete'.

Before someone raises an eyebrow and smugly thinks,,,"well of course, on-line weirdo's". I must say that the most bizarre encounters I have ever had has been with people I met off-line.
And yes,,, that includes church.
Just because a man can quote the Bible does not mean he lives accordingly.
Men are fully aware that church is a great place to meet women who just might be lonely enough to ignore normal red flags regarding their behavior.
Christian dating sites have the same issues as any other site.
Crazy people are everywhere.
 At least on-line, you can at least talk to or email the person until you feel comfortable enough to meet the person face to face.



Even with the clear understanding that probably 50% of what men state in their profiles is pure fabrication, there can still be a lot to learn from both their choice of words and choice of pictures.
You will see pictures that range from the man standing in front of an unfinished 'mansion', or a man who is 'single' standing in front of a dresser with a pair of woman's slippers clearly in view, to a man sitting in front of a kitchen counter piled high with trash, dirty dishes and a  large open can of Raid roach spray..

There are what I refer to as serial daters. Serial daters view dating sites much like 'meat markets'. There are enough available women on line to move on the next woman rather quickly if they don't 'get lucky' on the first or second date. They often have a steady woman in their lives who are patiently waiting on a shelf, while the man regularly dates on-line. Since he will have a user name, it would be unlikely his woman would thnk about checking, unless of course, she met him on-line.

I must be fair and point out that there are also female serial daters in the mix. They could be trolling for sex or perhaps a nice free meal(s).

While it is true that many men are looking for a quick sexual fix, there are also just as many men who are seeking a genuine relationship.
Men are just as afraid of rejection as women are, and will use the least painful path to finding a possible companion.

Older women entering the world of on-line dating should use the same common sense and caution she would use if she met a man in the grocery store.
You should talk on the phone often enough to establish an opinion of the person.
Ask enough questions to learn a little someting about his mindset.
Never meet anyone without letting a close friend know who you are with and where you are going.
Meet them in a well populated area. The same rule should be applied when choosing a parking space.
Allow your instinct and wisdom free and total access to the entire experience.

Recognize the fact that most of the men in your age group are interested in younger women; don't take it personally.
 It is their right, their issue, and likely their loss.

You will most likely be pursued by younger men; sometimes much younger.
Examine your feelings before you are faced with the attention of an intelligent, mature, fine,, younger man. It will happen.
Are they simply on the prowl, looking for an attractive older woman?   Maybe, maybe not.
Perhaps they are just looking for someone who has a different type of conversation.
Think about it.

On-line dating is not for everyone. It is no more an act of desperation than the hope that most single women have when they step out of their door,,,, that the 'right' man will find them attractive and interesting enough to approach them.
If you decide to try on-line dating, do not be ashamed of your decision.
It is your life,,your decision.
You would be surprised by just how many women and men date almost exclusively on-line.
They keep their business where it belongs.
If it is not for you, try not to judge those who choose to do so.

I have formed genuine friendships and learned valued life lessons from a select group of  people I have met on-line.
Since I firmly believe that God allows everything to happen for a reason, I consider these people to be blessings in my life.

It has been almost 4 years since I met someone on-line.
 Thankfully, I am blessed to be content where I am today.
However, I do not regret my on-line experience.

Are Electronics Tempting Honest People To Steal?/ A Woman's Perspective

I was fortunate enough to attend a Roberta Flack concert last weekend. This amazing woman is still as talented as she was 40 years ago. My son surprised me with VIP tickets that provided my friend and I with an almost 'touch the stage' view. Both the band and vocalists were excellent. Since this was only the second concert I have ever attended,,in my life, the entire experience is something I can cross off my growing 'bucket list' with a huge gold star.

I was a little surprised when our purses were inspected by security. The young man was apparently looking for cameras and recording devices.
I expected an announcement to turn off cell phones before the performance. Instead, it was a strong request that no flash pictures(?) or recordings of the performance would be allowed
.
Much to my surprise, the ushers were kept quite busy during the entire performance asking people to stop taking pictures and recording. There efforts were a complete waste of time. The very pleasant woman sitting directly in front of me with her mother and possibly her sister, had a very impressive piece of technology to record the entire concert. Excellent color and crisp clarity. Her video will be quite enjoyable to watch on her television. She was told three times by an usher that recordings were not allowed;  to no avail.
The theatre was filled with like-minded people.
Even if these people were making the recordings for their own personal use, they should have respected the artist enough to refrain from doing so.

Is the unauthorized use of a person's 'work' a form of stealing?

I feel very strongly that the answer is a resounding,,,yes! 
I am amazed by the number of people who firmly condemn stealing, but have a shelf filled with 'bootleg' movies. They have convinced themselves that since they are not the 'pirates',,,their hands are clean.

Generally speaking, I am not a fan of movies. People who are, can usually afford the price of a ticket. A true fan of a particular artist will support them by actually going to the movie(s) to see them practice their craft.

This is their livelihood.

Do they deserve to have any of it stolen from them; especially when the thief is benefiting from their work?

Buying stolen goods in any form is aiding a thief in their chosen path.
There is always the chance that one day you might have something they would like to have.

Do we want our children to think this behavior is clever and acceptable??

The attempt to wrap our bad choices,,, even the seemingly small ones,, up in a nice sweet package will not effect any resulting consequences we may have to face later in life.

Should Parents Respect Their Children?/ A Woman's Perspective

One of my granddaughter's reminded me of something I had not seriously thought of since I was child. She stated that she did not think parents give children enough respect. I was instantly taken back to my childhood. I personally did not feel that any adult gave children enough respect; if any at all.

Once again, I promised my unborn children that I would always treat them with respect. I know that I tried to always take their feelings into consideration, but I am just as sure that I often failed.

* The fact that my granddaughter was confident enough to share her thoughts about parents in general, lets me know that my children are raising their children with even more insight than their parents. I have since asked seven children and five adults and all shared her view. Yes, even the adults. Even with the amount of freedom they were given, neither of my children would have had the confidence to be as open.
It is not easy to balance all that needs to be balanced when raising children, and I am thankful
.that my baby reminded me of the importance of what should be such a simple act.

So, should parents try harder to give their children respect during the 'raising' process?

For me, the answer would be YES.  I grew up during a time when children had no opinion that was important enough for parents to hear, or consider. Children were to be seen and not heard.
I always seemed to ask questions that made the adults in my world very uncomfortable.

I did manage to listen to my children and allow them to express themselves,,in a respectful manner.
The phrase "Because I said so!" always seemed to be a sign that there really was not a good reason for whatever their decision happened to be. And yes, after too many 'but whys??' I admit to saying those words a few times. But, I did try to keep the slip to a minimum.

How can parents do a better job of treating our children with more respect?

Being a parent is both the most meaningful and most difficult job I have ever been blessed to have. Just trying to provide our children with their daily needs is a full time job.
 Preparing them for a productive future is an additional full time job.
Our responsibility to do our best to raise secure and confident children mandates that we teach them how to be humble and respectful. 
The best way to teach life lessons is by setting a solid example for our children to see. We can do this by treating our children with the type of respect we would have appreciated as children. And the type of respect we expect them to give to others.

Children deserve to be heard, and it is our job to listen.
If we fail to 'hear' them, they will find someone else who will. We can not afford the possible risk that person may be to that child.
As parents, we must keep an open line of communication with our children; male or female.
We must respect their opinions, even when we disagree.
It is possible to teach life lessons in a respectful manner.
Being respectful does not diminish your power as a parent

Respect for adult children is also important...


*The role of a parent is forever. Parents of adult children owe them respect as adults who are also their children; which should make the process quite easy.
* A parent should always be honest with their children. Honesty is a necessary component of security. Even adult children need the security of their parent's loving honesty.
* If a child cannot trust their parents, the pain runs deep,,,,at any age.
* A parent should respect themselves and their children enough to carry themselves in a way that guarantees respect from both sides.

Many are quick to quote God's word regarding children being respectful and obedient to parents.
There are also many references throughout the Bible regarding how God feels about children.
Our children are blessings from God..
It is our responsibility to love, teach, and discipline our children..
We must remember to add respect to the list...
They deserve nothing less.

The power of a parent should always be handled with prayer.
   

Who Decides What Style Is Age Appropriate / A Woman's Perspective

I find it interesting that we live during a time when individuals have fought and continue to fight for basic human rights for all people. Yet, women will seek the approval and permission of a group of self appointed experts usually referred to as ' they say or people say',,to dictate what is proper for them to wear at specific times in their lives.

I am amazed when intelligent, mature women question whether they should purchase an item they really want, because it might not be age appropriate. Yes, on occasion, I have even questioned myself. I have even gone as far as asking the opinion of someone I trust to validate my choice.

I mean really, why would we give that power to a select group of society?

If a woman has good taste, she will rarely stray from what is acceptable,,for her. Mature women have had years to figure out through trial and error what styles are best for them.

Personally, I have no desire to go back in time. I have rocked hot pants, mini skirts and hip-hugging bell bottoms. However, I will under no circumstance, wear mom jeans, or more to the point,,loose fitting jeans. The fabrics of today make wearing a nice fitting pair of jeans a joyful experience.
I am 61 years old and my favorite outfit for this time of year is a nice pair of jeans with a comfortable tank, and a black leather jacket that stops at the hips. Finish this look with a nice pair of black high heeled boots, and all is well. I have chosen to lower the height of the heels, but I can live with that.

I will never wear what I refer to as 'traditional church lady attire'. I will never be dressed in the same bright multi-colors from head to toe.  If I have to choose a pants suit to avoid pantyhose,,,I will. Granted, there are still some occasions where pantyhose are required, but I wear them under duress.
I prefer separates instead of suits, but when I purchase a suit, there must be a tasteful edge.

None of my peers attempt to dress in the same styles as their daughters, but a few dress a tad bit more matronly than I do.
We understand that we have the right to dress as we please.
At our age, we do not need the approval or critique of each other,,,or anyone.
We can affirm the beauty of each other without liking the outfit the person is wearing.

If an older woman has great legs and decides to wear a short dress,,more power to her. They are her legs,,,her dress,,,her rightful decision.

When a woman dances to the beat of her own drum,,, the music is always beautiful,,at any age.
And so is she.

The Absence Of A Mother's Love / A Woman's Perspective

Giving birth is not a guarantee that the mother will love her child. Thankfully, most people are unable to relate to this sad fact. Those of us who can relate, are usually left with a void that only the love of God can truly fill.

In my culture, the arms of an extended family reaches beyond the normal range. I was raised by a great aunt and uncle. By the time I was born, they had long given up the possibility of having children. At the age of three months, my mother and grandfather gave me to them. As the story goes, I was also wanted by my paternal grandparents, and a cousin of my father's. While growing up, I would often imagine how my life would have been with the other two choices.
I tried to soften the facts by telling myself that at least,,all of these people really wanted me.

The fact still remained that my birth mother,,gave me away.

By the age of six, I knew that I was in the right place. Knowing this allowed me to accept my life as it was. Yes, even at that young age. I honestly have no memory of thinking with the innocence and freedom of a child. I was on intimate terms with my vivid imagination. I expected nothing from anyone. I had to learn how to sort out grown-up situations and choices with the mind-set of a child.

My acceptance of my life,,,with truth,,,gave me the freedom to love my mother unconditionally.
That same truth allowed me to accept that my mother's love for me was,,limited,,,at best.

How does a child live without the love of their mother??

The answer can be complicated. I knew that Momma and Daddy loved me. They also constantly reminded me how thankful I should always be that they took me. I was the perfect example of an obedient child. I simply had no choice. I was no longer the three month old baby who had two other families anxious to shower me with love. If I messed up, where would I go??
As I matured I understood that they were loving me in the best way they knew how. They had no idea how painful their words were for me. They accepted and loved me. I loved and accepted them.

My biological mother was not a part of my life until I turned 12. She and her husband along with my two younger brothers moved on the street where I lived. I was thrilled.. My stepfather has always been good to me and my brothers were adorable. I will just say that being myself was a huge disappointment to my mother. I accepted this along will all of the other facts of my life.

Although I was disappointed that being around my mother did not remotely come close to the scenes in my imagination, I still thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.
Most people still did not know I was her daughter,,,but I no longer cared.
I knew that I was her daughter, and that was enough for me.

The fact that my mother gave me away will always be a tender spot in my heart. But, God did put me in the best place to be loved and raised.
The most difficult challenge has been accepting that I was never a priority in my mother's life. She was simply not capable of loving me in the same manner she loved my siblings.
Forgiving her opened the door for God's comfort and healing of my spirit.
During the last few years of her life, she would sometimes call and say that she loved me. The words were nice to hear. But honestly, no matter how much I wanted to believe her,,,I could not.
That still did not change my love for her.

When she passed away a couple of years ago, my pain was deep and complex. I also realized how completely God had filled the void where I felt her love should have been.

She was my mother.
She loved me the best that she could.
Who am I to question,,her best??

My peace comes from the fact that I loved her,, unconditionally.
Because..
She was my mother.

Life is seldom how we want it to be.
We all fall short in some way.
God will always remain my refuge and my source of strength.
He loved me even before I loved Him.,,
Unconditionally.

Reality of Celibacy / This Woman's Perspective

It is not an easy decision to make a personal commitment to practice celibacy. We live in a world that is obsessed with sex. Anywhere you go,,everywhere you look, sex is a factor.  Anything relating to sex is an almost guaranteed money maker,,,no pun intended. Add that to the fact that God made us sexual beings, increases the challenges that are inevitable,,at least for me.

All of the events surrounding my divorce along with the emotional challenge of my Lupus, sent me running to God's loving embrace. My head, heart and spirit were a complete mess. The rejection of a spouse by way of infidelity destroys a woman's sense of ,,being a woman. I strongly believed that I was unattractive and undesirable and unlovable.
Thankfully, when God taught me how to love myself, I understood just how wrong I was.

During my time of healing, I made the decision to practice celibacy. I was of course trying to live my life according to God's will, but honestly, I knew how fragile and inexperienced I was regarding the world of sex, unless I was married to that person.
After entering the world of dating for the first time at the age of 50, I quickly realized just how clueless I really was. When I realized that men generally expect sex after a couple of dinners, I decided to step back from the process.

I have always believed that the sexual experience HAS to be better when there is an emotional connection between the two people. Not just physical chemistry, but a kinship that goes beneath the surface. I suspect that most women feel the same, but since men seem to be the total opposite in their view of sex, women often feel they have no choice but to comply with the needs of the man. Plus,,there is also the fact that God made the sexual experience one that is generally one of pleasure.
I am also convinced that women are much more sexual than men because of our ability to own our feelings.

As with most decisions that require focus and discipline, there are often moments of weakness when your body might engage in an all out war with your convictions and truth. If that happens, and you step across a line you have given yourself, seek God's forgiveness, forgive yourself and,,,continue your journey; stronger from the experience. 

There are also times when you debate with yourself about the relevancy of your commitment. This usually comes up if a man who seriously peaks your interest, crosses your path. You are once again face to face with,,your free will.
When you look around and everyone around you is living a life that is filled with physical intimacy, it is not easy to be true to your personal beliefs. It is not easy to be alone in a world that often seems to be designed for couples.

I have met many people over the last 12 years that honestly believe that it is impossible for a person to be celibate and content at the same time.

Each person must dance to the beat of their own drum.
We will never have the option to judge the choices of another person.

It is indeed possible to be celibate,,and content at the same time.
As my faith grows, so has my ability to live my truth.
For me, whatever God places on my heart, He also gives me the strength to make happen.

Replacing The Fears of Diversity With Acceptance / A Woman's Perspective

There is a proven shift in the mindset of the majority of American citizens. A shift that I never expected to live long enough to see. Obviously, most of our citizens are insightful enough to understand how important diversity is to the progressive growth of this country.

*This will post not be a focus on politics.
A person's system of belief and their personal politics are areas I feel should be addressed by their invitation only.
Each person must live with their own truth.

Why are so many people reluctant or afraid to accept the differences of other people?

I honestly believe that in most cases, the reluctance stems from a basic lack of knowledge. None of us are born with a preset switch that will automatically dismiss the worth of certain groups of people.
We learn how to accept people and situations during our childhood; primarily from our family.
 Even if the immediate environment is tainted with biased opinions, parents have the power and choice to raise children who will grow up with an open mind, and most importantly,,,an open heart.

*Parents have the responsibility to teach their children that it is wrong to judge an entire race of people based on the actions or choices of some.
*This is important in regards to ALL races and ethnicity's..
It is a sign of maturity to examine the politics of your family. Some lessons learned will be proven to be true; some will often be questioned. Your personal experiences may also cause you to adjust your views. You have the free will to follow your heart,,and your truth.


Most of our opinions are based largely on our experiences. Because we are human, for some, a bad experience can be worse if the other person is of a different race or culture. Although difficult, it is  possible to refrain from projecting your feelings onto an entire race of people.

We are blessed to live in a country that provides us with the freedom of speech. Along with that freedom, there is responsibility that is often ignored.

*For the first time in history, that freedom has given people the opportunity to make shameful, painful, and dangerous statements regarding the President of our country and his family,,,,freely, without fear of punishment. 
*A President that was elected as a result of the Democratic process that is an international badge of freedom.
* The real issue is the respect of the office,,,,not the politics.
As interesting message for other countries....

There are a select group of people who live quite well off the fear(s) of other people. Over the years, they have picked up a huge following.
I have always wondered if they would ever consider inviting any of their followers into their homes for dinner...

How can we make a positive difference?

Most important life lessons begin at home. Children are always tuned into the conversations of their parents. A parents response to everything from a news report, to an incident that happened at school or work is a life lesson for that child.

It the parent uses a broad brush to paint a race or culture, so will their child
.
We must make a real effort to expose our children and ourselves to other cultures.
 It is impossible to understand something that you have no knowledge of.
It should be just as impossible to judge someone that you know absolutely nothing about.

It is unwise to rely on any form of media as an accurate source of truth regarding race or ethnicity.

Imagine if we looked at any of the reality shows and believed their lives were an accurate example of how everyone in their race behaved.

Take the time to really get to know people of different races.
Make the time and effort to sit down and have a respectful open minded conversation. Approach the opportunity with an open mind,,,and open heart.

People from all cultures are usually receptive to a genuine desire to understand  who they are.
Most people are also usually receptive to simple acts of kindness.

Inclusion mandates acceptance, along with a physical and emotional act of reaching out to include others.
Taking into account, the human imperfections that are present in ALL races and cultures, the positives of working together will far outweigh the fears,,real or imagined.

After all is said, and said again,,,and again..
God expects us to accept and love each other.
That is His truth.




























        

The Disappearance of Gender Roles in Relationships / A Woman's Perspective

I was married over half of my life, but being the forever romantic and creative spirit that I am, the dynamics of the relationship between men and women has always been a topic of great interest.
I have the option to create the characters of choice for my stories. They will be whoever I want or need them to be.
Since I firmly believe it is possible for men and women to have loving and meaningful relationships, my characters reflect the positives of both men and women. The relationships are not perfect, but they work through whatever challenges arise. Of course, a good story always has conflict that has to be overcome.
My male characters are caring, responsible, and thoughtful men. As their relationship with the woman grows, so does his need to take care of her. My female characters are capable of being independent in their midset, with the clear understanding that a mature and equally confident man can and will accept his role as provider, and protector. She will support and nurture that part of her man that is often hidden from the outside world. They will work together to build a solid relationship.

I have come to understand that it is quite possible that through my stories, I am living in a fantasy world. So, if someone is laughing, or shaking their head in amused dismay, I understand.

The gender roles of men and women seem to be lost in a sea of grayness. Older men swear that the Women's Movement made women want to be men. That is ridiculous, but sounds fine to anyone who is reaching for an excuse to be less responsible,,,,for anything. Women who hated the idea of being responsible for an entire household and all of it's occupants often use the same excuse. Women and men should receive equal pay for equal work. Period.

Honestly, common sense dictates that if both the man and woman are working outside of the household to provide a lifestyle they BOTH want, they should share the household responsibilities.

If a man goes to work everyday to take care of his family, and the woman is at home all day,,,,he has every right to expect a clean house, a meal, and clean clothes to wear to that job he has that provides for his family. *If by chance he starts to act a little crazy and unappreciative, he will likely have to fend for himself,,sometimes. *If by chance she takes both him and his job for granted,,,he will no doubt find some way,,,or someone to soothe his feelings.  Work the issues out..

Getting back to gender roles during the formation of the relationship.

Am I crazy in thinking that a man in a committed relationship with a woman would assist his woman in any way that was needed??  Without her asking??  Am I???

The male characters in my stories are not rich, but financially secure. Since my stories focus of the lives of people who are over the age of 50, I have decided they deserve to be free of financial stress. They have likely spent enough time facing sleepless nights trying to figure out how to stretch a few dollars. They have paid their dues,,literally.

I understand that in the real world, real financial security is a dream we seek. The average man might not have extra funds to help anyone. But honestly, how can a man be in an intimate relationship with a woman and NOT do the best he can to lighten her load??

Is this not what men are expected to do??

The area falls into murkiness because most older women have been taught to refrain from taking money from a man, because he will instantly become possessive. Women are also taught to learn how to take care of themselves.  The importance of getting an education usually comes up during this conversation.  A man who has no desire to take care of anyone but himself, is delighted to find a woman with this mindset.

The confusion thickens when so many women are quick to take on the job of taking care of the man in her life. Not helping him during rough times; but when the man is perfectly healthy, but unwilling  to lift a finger to do anything unless it directly benefits him..
This mindset has become frighteningly common amongst all generations.


And lastly, there are the women who say if they accepted any help from their man, they would feel like a prostitute. Now, if he placed a wad of cash in her panties immediately after sex, I could possibly understand their feelings. However, a prostitute does not buy sexy lingerie just for him, cook his meals, or wash his clothes. A prostitute does not comfort and support him whenever the needs arises. Does she??

So, if a woman received a huge electric bill, or needed emergency car repairs, why would her man NOT help her with these issues,,,,,without her asking?

*And yes, I know there are women who are guilty of acting like prostitutes by demanding and begging for money whenever they can,,,because they can. But,,this post is not about women who would fall under the heading of 'golddiggers' or men who would be viewed as 'gigolos'.
*
By way of society, many people have chosen to throw out the positive traditions and expectations associated with relationships and families along with those in need of updating; ending up with confusion.
* Our young people are stuck with a web of inconsistencies regarding their basic roles in life.
*Older people, who should,,and do,, know better have jumped on the band wagon because it is less work for them.

For now, I will simply stick with my stories..

Guarding Your Truth__At Any Age / A Woman's Perspective

The fact that each of us are unique in our own right, makes it safe to say that our personal 'truths' are customized just for us. No matter what our truth happens to be, we must always be mindful of just how important it is in the purpose of our lives.

The pathway to my truth has been filled with pain, disappointment, and sadness; resulting in growth, joy and peace. I see my truth as being stored in a very nice box, comfortably nestled deep inside the core of my spirit.  The box is filled with my beliefs, my dreams, my moral compass,,,and my natural instinct. My peace has become such a part of who I am, I recently made the mistake of not being careful enough regarding personal choices. A very wise friend told me to always "guard my truth".  I had never thought there would be a need. I consider his words a lesson learned. Hence the name of this post.

As an older woman, I was extremely disappointed in myself. I learned many years ago just how accurate my instincts have always been. I choose to believe that our instinct is a special gift that God has given women to better fulfill our purpose for Him.

Since God does not make mistakes, the fact that men and women are so different in so many ways is certainly no accident. It does take effort and a serious spirit of discernment,,,, and lots of prayer to figure out how to successfully blend together.

Young women are likely to ignore their instincts because of simple lack of experience in regards to just how accurate their instincts are. It can be an amazing experience when you finally figure out how powerful the 'truth' of your inner feelings can be.
When a woman is young, she is so often filled with the confidence of her youth. She feels the surge of her own power and trusts her ability to make the best decisions for her. After all, she has a lifetime to get it right.... Right??

As older women, we are on intimate terms with our inner feelings, but life situations can sometimes cause us to doubt ourselves. It could be either loneliness, boredom or even the fear of over thinking. It is during these times when we choose to ignore the gentle nudges of our inner voice. We ignore the questions we should be asking ourselves and rush to the answers that are almost guaranteed to be disappointing,,,,but not in the least surprising.

People always tell and show you who they are. Always.
We have to own the mistake of ignoring THEIR 'truth'..

So, what next?
For a young woman, the life lesson she learns that can be directly connected to an inner feeling,,, will help her to recognize and embrace her gift of natural instinct. She has the free will to ignore her inner voice, but as she matures, those times will become fewer.

For the older woman, she will of course, pray, forgive herself and move on.

She is fully aware that even the mindset of another person can be a threat to a person's 'truth.
One of the most interesting differences between men and women can be seen in what is often,,not always,,their approach to logic and power.

When a woman cares for a man, and he has 'issues' or what might be viewed as challenges, her nurturing instinct will kick in and she will do her best to help him,,,and at least try to fix the problem. Even if she becomes angry,( even an aggressive woman,) she will seldom use his issues as an emotional weapon.

It is quite likely that a man will take the same issues and challenges of a woman and attempt to use them against her as a show of logical manipulation.  This is especially true when the man feels the need to hone in his point.

 *It is important to take inventory of our truths from time to time.
*We must recognize that our truths are major components of who we are..

*Take the time to remember how challenging our life lessons were to learn, and appreciate their true value..

We cannot afford to ignore a God given gift.
We must always make the effort to hear the gentle voice of our heart.

The Importance of Being Aware / A Woman's Perspective

The definition of 'awareness' is: having realization or consciousness.

The month of October focuses on several issues directly affecting woman. It is almost impossible to miss the constant influx of information regarding Breast Cancer Awareness and the importance of proper and timely screening. The fact that more younger women are being diagnosed is a reminder of the importance of early detection.

The month of October is also Lupus Awareness Month. Although most people have heard of Lupus, this condition  often stays 'under the radar' of the average person. The fact that Lupus is a chronic condition that primarily affects women makes the 'quietness' surrounding the condition surprising. The elusiveness of Lupus makes it difficult to diagnose and challenging to treat. Chances are, someone will cross your path who is living with this condition.
Awareness and basic knowledge regarding Lupus just might help you educate someone else.

I chose to focus mainly on Domestic Abuse Awareness during the month of October because it is often a topic that seems easier to ignore. The denial that many people have in regards to this issue enables the issue and the abusers to remain hidden. The safer the hiding place is for the abuser, the more dangerous life ismay be the victim.
A woman's instincts are usually strong and in an active mode. Our ability to embrace and freely experience the strength and scope of our emotions also places us at risk to ignore our natural instincts.
When a woman believes she is in love, I personally believe she is at her most vulnerable point.

To paraphrase the insight of a very wise man. Women should take the time to ask themselves these two basic questions:
"Is their conflict between the heart and mind?" 
Is there even the slightest bit of doubt regarding the man, or the situation?"

There is nothing 'simple' regarding the serious issue of Domestic Violence, but awareness, education, support, and open dialogue are components of a progressive solution to the problem.

Teens And Domestic Violence / A Woman's Perspective

 Most people are capable of simply ignoring truths that are uncomfortable and unpleasant. Denial is often easier than admitting just how much darkness is in the world we live in.
I am guilty of trying not to focus on the atrocities happening to women and children in foreign countries.
 How can we stay in denial about events that are close to home,,when our communities make up our 'home'.

There is a serious issue regarding teens and domestic abuse. For those who find this impossible to fathom, take a couple of minutes and google the topic in your area. The results will probably surprise you.

We live in a world where 'tweeners' speak quite openly about 'dating' someone. Granted, their definition is different from the adult definition, but they still think of themselves as having a 'boyfriend and a relationship'  This boyfriend is someone the girl, who could be as young as 12, likes (a lot), listens to, and wants to keep happy. A twelve year old female with raging hormones and emotions can become quite attached to a twelve year old male who is confident enough to show her the right amount of attention. All she knows is that the attention feels good (emotionally) and the other girls are impressed. The young man is learning how good he feels (physically) and,,his friends are impressed also. The issue of abuse usually arises when the young man is from a background where aggressive, possessive, and/or dominating behavior is a part of his life. He will likely practice what he has learned from the men in his world.
The occurrences of teenage domestic abuse reaches a peak between the ages of 16 and 20 years of age.
If the young woman finds herself in a 'relationship' with a boy who displays these types of behavior, and it is also a part of her life, it is possible that she will keep quiet because she thinks this is normal behavior.

The signs are similar to abusive behavior in an adult relationship. The boy's insistence on knowing where the girl is at all times, by constantly calling. The anger displayed when she does not answer the phone. Bullying the girl into doing something she does not want to do, such as 'sexting', or defying her parents. And yes, physical abuse is quite often present.

* Monitor phone and computer use.
**Know your children's friends.
**Meet the parents of their friends whenever possible.

If you have family members,,,children, grandchildren, younger sisters, or friends, it is worth your time to find out what the red flags of teen abuse are.

* Always keep the line of communication open and active with your children; both girls and boys.
* Introduce different scenarios to your children as a way to discuss topics that might be uncomfortable for both of you.
* There should NEVER be a topic too embarrassing or uncomfortable for you to talk to your child about.
*Educate yourself before you attempt to address any issue.
* Approach your child with the confidence of a parent. They will immediately pick up on any nervousness or fear.
* Remember that you are not a police interrogator and your child is not the suspect of a crime.
* No matter how hard it might be, take the time to listen to your child; that means stay silent.

As much as we would like to, parents are unable to protect our children from every possible danger.
The best parents can do is stay aware, involved, and observant.
And above all else,,,keep your children covered in prayer.

How Words Impact The Lives of Children / A Mother's Perspective

The most important and fulfilling accomplishment of my life has been the opportunity to raise my children. At times, it was also the most frustrating. The frustration was the result of the fear that I would make mistakes that would negatively impact their lives forever. The simple truth is that being human guarantees that all parents will make mistakes. Even if babies were born with a detailed instruction manual attached to the umbilical cord, we would no doubt still make mistakes. Most of us, even knowing that we are seriously imperfect, would attempt to put our own spin on the process.

I was a sensitive child who took the words spoken to me literally. Honestly, the same is often true today. My family and friends don't waste their time telling me a joke.
As a child I promised my unborn children that I would never raise my voice or be guilty of 'fussing'. I promised to always speak gently and listen to whatever they had to say. Well, of course, I lied. Or, at the very least, I broke my promises.

The active raising of a child (children) is probably one of the most stress filled periods in our lives. A true blessing, but the overwhelming responsibility of the total care of your child is a 24/7 job. Their well being, combined with the challenges of ,,,living,,,can make a mother (parent?) want to grab their keys and purse and simply drive away. Thankfully, the majority of us only think about doing it.

Most parents have the ability to stay in control when faced with the real challenges of parenting. Generally, a major growth spurt in patience saves our sanity. Hopefully, any physical discipline will be within healthy, safe,,and sane guidelines.

The often overlooked example of loss of control is the onslaught of words that can break a child's spirit. A child is affected by everything they are exposed to during their childhood; both the positive and adverse experiences. How many of you can remember more of the mean words spoken to you( by anyone) than the nice words?
 Every parent understands how difficult it can be to sometimes 'get' the attention of a child. After telling them five times in the last hour to clean their room, yelling and telling them how' lazy and sorry' they are might seem the right thing to say. The real problem comes if they hear these words or worse everyday. The best way to handle something that will become part of their household responsibilities, is to teach the importance of cleaning their room when they are young enough to be excited about doing it. If that didn't work, at least they understand they have no choice in the matter.
If a child hears something, anything,, often enough, they will believe it to be true. Repetition is a basic teaching tool.

A child is supposed to get their confidence and self-esteem from the people who loves and accepts them as they are. This is just as important in your child's life as their mandated education. If they are ridiculed by their parents, how will they understand even their basic worth??

There are parents who refer to their children as anything from dumb, simple, stupid, ignorant, to nasty, crazy and ugly. From the viewpoint of a child, why would they not believe their parents?
There are also the parents who add 'flavor' to their harsh words by adding a few choice expletives to the mix.
Have you ever seen a parent speak to a child in such a way that causes the child to 'shrink' before your eyes; spirit broken?  Slumped shoulders, eyes damp and cast down? Or worse, a blank stare?
 
Several years ago while interviewing a client, a little boy around three years old, asked his mother why there were no pictures of him in his mother's wallet; only pictures of his baby sister. His mother told him she did not have pictures of him because he was ' bad and ugly' which was why she was taking him to his grandparents house as soon as they left the office..The child's face crumbled. He  immediately stood behind her chair and started kicking the legs. If nothing changes in his life, imagine how destructive his behavior could become? I referred her to an agency that would provide parenting skills.  If that happened today, it would be viewed as possible abuse and reported to a supervisor who would decide if CPS should be informed,,by law.  Even a stranger in a waiting room can report possible abuse if they have enough information about the parent.

Even good parents sometimes say things to their children they wish they could take back. But there is no changing the fact that,,,once the words are spoken, they are forever said.

Children are priceless blessings from God.
Every child deserves to go to bed knowing they are loved.
Their heads should never be filled with words that hurt their hearts.

When Society Defines A Child / A Woman's Perspective

Do you know what the term 'outside child' means? For me, that phrase along with 'illegitimate child' and 'bastard' all share the same meaning. They are all intended to negatively set children apart from mainstream society.
I saw my birth certificate for the first time when I entered first grade. Since my parents were not married, the word 'illegitimate' was typed boldly in the designated space. I was already confused by the blank space where my father's name was indicated. Why was his name not where it was supposed to be?
A few days later, the first day of school arrived. To say I began the day terrified would be a huge understatement. It would soon become much worse.

My teacher's name was Mrs. Simpson. To me she was a scary, stern faced woman who would likely make me cry. As I watched her stop before each desk with paper and pen, I prayed she would pass me by. Needless to say, my prayers were not answered.
.
Thankfully she asked me questions that I could answer. Simple questions, such as my name and birthday. I quickly asked her which name did she want. She looked confused and asked if I was being 'smart'. Before I could gather the courage to answer her question, she asked me the name of my parents, I breathed a sigh of relief as I asked her which parents name did she want. She sharply asked just how many parents did I have. I answered that I had two mothers and two fathers. The look on her face made me believe she was about to hit me. Apparently, the look of terror on my face caused her to look closer. I will assume that she could see that the timid child sitting before her, was giving her a serious answer. I had to repeat the names several times right there in the classroom while all the children listened quietly. I said nothing when she dramatically stated that my biological mother had been one of her students, and she did not know anything about my birth!!.
Well,,,, just how was a six year old expected to respond to her loud declaration??

She said that she needed to speak to the principal. To my horror, she took me with her, where I had to repeat the names of my parents. I remember feeling as if I had done something terribly wrong. Even after all these years, I also remember the sense of shame that I felt as they gave me looks of pity? There were several "poor child" references made by Mrs. Simpson, the even scarier Mr. Butler, and his secretary with the enormous hips.

When Mama picked me up from school, she and I were ushered into the principals office where in order to save me later embarrassment, it was decided that  I would use the last name of Mama and Daddy,,which was of course,,illegal. This act of compassion came back to haunt me when I decided to retire. I had to once again explain why I had so many names. I had to produce a physical paper trail to prove who I was.

When I was old enough to fully understand the meaning of the word 'illegitimate' I of course was taken back to that day. When I was twelve, one of my paternal uncle's new wife referred to me as the 'outside child'. Only the loving response of my father's sister could take away the sting of the words.

Exactly who has the right to define the worth of a child?
Does the marriage of a child's parents make that child more worthy of,,anything .. than the child of a single parent(s)?
Does the label of 'illegitimacy' mean the child is not a legitimate human being?

Growing up in the 50's with any type of label made life more challenging. This is especially true when an additional negative label is given to a Black female.

Even today, there are many people who feel their children who happened to be born within the confines of marriage ( no matter how much a farce the marriage might be) are somehow better than the children who are born to unwed parents.
I attribute this mindset to ignorance and self- righteousness.
**
If a man and woman are sexually active outside of the marriage bed, it is not their moral option to judge the sexual choices of the unmarried couple. The only difference is that one woman got pregnant and had a child, while the other woman was either responsible enough of lucky enough not to get pregnant.

Society does not have the right to force a child to pay any price resulting from the choice of their parents....
The origin of a child should never determine their worth as a person...

Only God can determine the worth of His children.

Have You Ever Danced With Your Father?/ A Woman's Perspective

My father and I shared the same name. Our resemblance to each other was uncanny. I learned more about him during his eulogy than I knew during his lifetime. As I sat in the front pew of the tiny chapel on the Fort Sill Army Base, my tears freely flowed because now there would never be a chance to experience the many joys of being his daughter that my heart had always yearned for.

He entered the Army the same year I was born. Perfect timing huh? And yes, I did ask him the obvious question. He was actually in Korea at the time of my birth. He decided to make the military his career. He spent most of his service time in Germany.
When he returned to the states and came home to visit his parents, he would visit me also. I never knew when he would show up. It was not uncommon for him to come to my school and I would be called to the office where he would be waiting. I was an extremely shy child, so he never knew how excited I was to see him. My excitement would last for weeks. Unfortunately, years separated his visits. We never said much, but our personalities were so similar, they were 'comfortable' silences between us. He was always neat and well dressed. He always had on a watch and the first gift he ever gave me was a watch sent from Germany. I was eight years old, and yes,,I love watches. He liked Volkswagen's and Buick's. The first car I owned (with my then husband) was a 1971 red Super Beetle. My father owned a 1961 grey Bug he bought while in Germany.

Somewhere between the age of 10 and 11 my relationship with my father changed. This particular night, I had just told Mama that I wanted a pineapple malt from Dairy Queen. Five minutes later, there was a knock at the door. It was my father. I was of course glad to see him, but when he asked if I wanted to go and get something to eat, I vehemently said,,,No!  Mama, ( my aunt who raised me) who was surprisingly fond of my father, quickly told him that I had just said that I wanted a malt. He surprised all of us by almost grabbing me by both my arms and declaring that,," You did not have to afraid of me because I am your Daddy!"  All of my shyness and the fear that I did not know I had, simply went away,,never to return. We went to Dairy Queen and I enjoyed the best pineapple malt I ever had.

The year I turned 12, one of my father's friends came to my house to tell me that my father had gotten married. His friend said the he was afraid to tell me. I have never understood why. Perhaps he knew how sad I would be. Because, I was extremely sad. I felt as if I had just found him and now he would have a real family possibly with children,,,and once again I would be simply an option in his life; not a priority.

You see, even as a child, I knew that my parents did not have the emotional responsibility of my care. I was not a priority for either of them. By age six, I had accepted this fact, and was able to understand that I was right where I was supposed to be.
Knowing this, did not change the fact that I loved my father. I was fascinated by the mystique that seemed to surround him.
Soon after his marriage, he and his wife had a daughter.
Of course I was praying for a boy..

He remained a distant part of my life. My children were his only grandchildren, but the time they spent together was not enough to form a real relationship. They did seem to enjoy the time they had.
The year (several months) before he died, I woke up one morning needing to talk to him. I called and we talked long enough to sorta catch up. During the conversation he told me he had a doctor's appointment the following day. I fussed at him about his smoking, and he told me had stopped. He was taken directly from the doctor's appointment to the hospital. He had become critically ill.

By the time I reached Oklahoma, he was in a semi-conscious state. For the first time, I looked at this man who was my father. I could finally see how much we looked alike. As I gently rubbed his head, I could feel his hair texture that was the same as mine. I always wondered why my hands were so different. As I held his hand, I found the answer. I was able to talk to him and tell him just who he had always been to me. I can only pray that he heard me.

A month or so later, on the return trip home from his funeral, I heard Luther's song 'Dance With My Father' for the first time.
Once again my tears flowed freely as I was faced with one more experience I would never have..

I would never have the opportunity to dance with my father.
What a joy that would have been.

Do 'Mean Girls' Grow Up To Become 'Mean Women'?/ A Woman's Perspective

Imagine how surprised middle school girls or 'tweeners' as they are now called, would be if they realized there are many grown women who act just like them. Of course, chances are, they personally know one or two. Their behavior, whether displayed by a child trapped in the chaos of puberty or an adult who has chosen to simply fine tune her bad attitude forever, is difficult to miss.

I love everything associated with being a woman. I am also often taken aback by how mean spirited women can be toward other women. Sure, there are often genuine reasons why women are bitter and destructive toward each other. Low self-esteem first comes to mind. Unresolved pain and disappointment could also be factors. While these may be valid reasons, there is never a good enough excuse to cause the grief of another person, simply because you can. I view this behavior as feeding on the assumed weaknesses of another human being. Even worse, this person is usually someone who considers the aggressive woman her friend.

The similarities between the mindset of a 'mean girl' and that of a 'mean woman' would be almost amusing if their behavior did not create such havoc in the lives of those in their chosen circle of 'friends'.
Mean girls usually travel in groups or packs. There is always a leader who usually chooses a group of females who she feels will look up to her. There will likely be a pecking order that is of course chosen by the leader. The members of the group will be expected to be unquestionably loyal to their leader.

So, who is the 'mean girl'?
She will have something that she feels will set her apart from the group. For girls, it could her popularity, her perceived beauty, her clothes, the professions of her parents, and maybe her grades.
This young lady will often surround herself with other young ladies who she feels could never be viewed as beautiful as she is. She will program everything from their choice of clothing and hairstyle to the boys they are attracted to. If anyone happens to make a decision that will outshine her, she will know just what to say to make the person doubt her choice. Being a 'mean girl' guarantees that whatever she says will not be tinged with compassion.  She will remain the center of attention,,,by any means necessary.
Her world revolves around,,,her.

 Female athletes tend to have their own groups and seldom seem to fall into the 'mean girl' syndrome.

Friendship between women can be as important as their relationships with family members. Many women are closer to their friends than they are to family. This could possibly be one reason why a woman will allow a 'friend' to stay in their life, even when the person's behavior is toxic.

Who is the 'mean woman'?

She will seldom have enough true friends to actually form a group. The more friends she has, the more likely it is that one of these 'grown' women would put her in her place. She will likely have a 'following' of women she has groomed to look up to her.
She will have one 'friend' who cares enough about her to allow her to cross decency boundaries from time to time. This true friend knows her well enough to have compassion for her unspoken issues. It might take years, but since most people have a limit on how much abuse they will take, the depth of the friendship will likely change. The real friend will either end the relationship or pull far, far, away. As well she should.
The 'mean woman' mindset can be both jealous and envious.They always seem to want more of anything that surpasses someone else. It can be career, clothes, furniture, size and location of house, type of car she drives, to the choice of a husband. Like her young counterpart, if her friend(s) make a choice that will result in outshining her, she will also quickly tear it down; usually with harsh criticism or even a childish, but hurtful tantrum.. Yes, grown women really do have tantrums.

Her main focus in life is,,,herself.
She makes herself miserable, and does a pretty good job of disrupting the peace of those who love her.  She is a seasoned manipulator who uses words to control those who give her the slightest opportunity.
She has a selective verbal filter. She is usually successful in her life, but often fails to acknowledge her many blessings. She is usually too busy keeping up with the blessings of others.
She will expect her friends to accommodate her in every way. Since she keeps a detailed record of what she does for everyone, she will be quick to remind her friend why she expects her to be at her beck and call.

So, are 'mean girls and 'mean women' bad people?

No, but they make choices that are often totally selfish. They fail to think about how their words and actions will affect those in their world. Thankfully, the few women I know who haven't grown up, seem to have good hearts.  However, they treat strangers much better than they treat the women who have always been their support system. This is what saddens me the most.

We are women.
We carry babies inside of us for almost an entire year.
We build a nurturing foundation strong enough to support a family during both good and bad times.
We have the ability to be logical and stay connected to our emotions through those same times,,,simultaneously.

For most young girls, being a 'mean girl' is simply a short phase in their life when their hormones were running amok . Usually before adulthood they have learned a better way of coping with the challenges and rewards of healthy relationships.
They have learned that the world simply does not revolve around them. Period.

Most women who become 'mean women' probably have issues and baggage that has yet to be acknowledged and addressed.
If only they would realize how much more meaningful their lives would be without the bitterness that most are not even aware they have.

What does her friends do?

Love them; even if that has to be from a distance.
Pray for them..pray for peace where there is none.

We need to always be present for each other.
God has given us the tools to make this become our reality.
This is what we do..
After all is said and done..
We are women.

Your Church and Domestic Abuse/A Woman's Perspective

 Today countless women have spent at least a few moments deciding what they will wear to church tomorrow.  Many will have also chosen an outfit for their spouse. A sizable number of these women will attend church services with a spouse that regularly abuses them.
It is safe to say that no matter what the name of the religion or denomination happens to be, the majority of the congregations will be made up of women. A disturbing number of these women will be victims of domestic abuse. This number will include both single and married women.

A person's spiritual journey is the most important journey of their life. The system of belief they choose will help them to navigate the ups and downs of life. It could be the same as their parents, or their choice as an adult.
I am a Christian, so I will speak from this perspective. God is my source of love, faith and hope. His grace and mercy are essential blessings in my life. He lives in me and I do my best to live according to His will.

Sunday morning will find many people sitting in the sanctuary of their church. The word 'sanctuary' simply means: 'a safe haven'. People attend church to meet with people who share their beliefs and at least some of their mindsets. The members are seeking anything from guidance, comfort, love, acceptance, and forgiveness to an extra bounce of strength to help them face the upcoming week.
Granted, all that they seek can be obtained directly from God. But, the physical church is a place where we expect to go and sit, listen, learn and actually interact with people God has chosen to help us to,,,get it right. It is wrong to expect these leaders to be perfect, but it is fair to expect them to seek God's guidance regarding the needs of the people who have placed their trust in,,,their faith.

When there is a topic that a Pastor wants or needs to address, he will prepare a sermon that he prays will be received by his congregation. Maybe not by all, but hopefully, by the ones who might be most in need.
It seems that church leaders are often reluctant to address issues that may be offensive to some members. Or if not offensive, perhaps uncomfortable.
How could a church leader look at the news even once a week and not realize that domestic abuse is an issue that should be discussed?. Even if the Pastor has not been told of any incidents of abuse within his church, he should seriously consider the shame and fear that would prevent a woman from coming forward and seeking his help. The question then becomes, will he know how to help her??
It will not be easy for a woman to admit to her Pastor that she is being abused. He must understand that it is difficult to share her shame with anyone.
If a woman is not ready to send her husband to jail, but is desperately seeking help from a person she respects and trusts not to judge her,,,her Pastor,,,,the Pastor should be prepared to help her.

How can your church help fight domestic abuse?

Church leaders must first ACCEPT the often deadly REALITY of domestic abuse.

*Bring the issue to the pulpit!
* Do not assess blame on the victim; you do not have that right.
*Do not attempt to find and show the victim a viable biblical excuse for a husband abusing his wife; it simply is not there.  The victim will never again seek your help,,regarding anything.
*Take the time to become educated on ALL aspects of domestic abuse.
*Leaders should collectively find ways the church can help the families.
*Offer workshops several times a year. Not just included in the annual Women's Conference or during the month of October.
*Schedule Men's Conference's focusing only on domestic abuse.
*Teach the male members of your church how to recognize dangerous behavior regarding themselves and possibly those within their inner circle. Perhaps they can help someone along the way.
* Encourage your church leaders to make your church a beacon of understanding for victims and their families.
*Seek God's guidance in learning how to help the abuser without further endangering the victim..
*Form a prayer and counseling group within your church to assist the victims of the community you serve. The scope of your church should reach beyond the doors of your building. 
* Think of this issue as missionary work, including the provision of resources and education. One more example of showing God's love..
*Understand the importance of trust and privacy. This is especially true when choosing others to work with the victims. If kind, sweet Sister Whitman is a gossip; she should not be in a position to know the intimate details of a victim's life.

*Remember that only God has the right to judge. If you have a difficult time understanding why women stay in abusive situations and are tempted to blame them for their circumstances, talk to a professional who will help you to understand..

**Knowledge is power.
*Understanding provides the wisdom to use the power wisely.


Above all else, present your genuine desire to help directly to God,,,He will provide you with the guidance, knowledge, and strength to make a meaningful difference.